i’m not going to be lectured about political violence by people whose politics is violence

i really thought i’d be spending a lot more time out on the moors by now

If I was an artist and someone offered to pay me to create something for them I would say 'Your commish is my command' and I would lose so many jobs you guys omg why am I like this

They should make a long sleeve shirt that transforms into a short sleeve shirt, I think to myself. Moments away from inventing wearing a sweater

✅ Stumbled out of bed Anyone got a a cup of ambition? Todays gonna require that.

Sure, Salad is a choice, but have you met Cheesy Garlic Bread?

If your parents had a pontoon boat when you were little, I hate to break it to you but they had many coke fueled orgies on that thing while you were busy coloring with grandma in your PJs

asking if every piece of graffiti is Banksy

I have only myself to blame that's why I blame you.

I just blessed a dude who sneezed and I had absolutely zero authority to do so. He thinks he’s blessed. He’s not.

It’s only a shortcut if you know where the fuck you’re going

Everything is so bad, the hummingbirds are waiting for the sugar water in the feeder to ferment before they'll drink it.

I enjoy a bar burger with the same fervent brand of enthusiasm as I exhibit when engaging in cunnilingus

nice tires bitch (flirting)

a murder of crows aka caw & order

More than half the people in the U.S. don't want to have better lives- they just want the other team to suffer.

sorry, but my erotic macaroni art is for serious collectors only

Jump scared in the bath with a big brown thing on my chest and thought for sure it was a spider. Nope, it was a crumb flake from the cheesy garlic bread I had been eating while soaking in the bubbles. At first I was ashamed, but then I was…well, still ashamed.

i can be self-destructive and also self-aware its called range

You're telling me this street is made of sesames?

*rolls out of bed and keeps rolling until she finds a cliff to roll off*

every argument on blue sky should be settled with a home run derby

Just asked Siri what day it is. I'm doing GREAT.

if the flytraps are any indication we should stay the hell away from Venus

getting burned by coffee is the ultimate betrayal

Some of my posts include more than one joke AT NO EXTRA COST TO THE READER

star wars themed strip club called jar jar kinks

RBF makes it sound like I actually have time to rest…

i like to think of my skeets as little toy boats made from leaves and twigs that i float out there in the bsky river good luck, buddy

it's time to have the drug talk with my son and i'm really nervous because i still haven't paid him for the last ounce

The most annoying thing about visiting Boston is all that janitors solving complex math equations instead of cleaning.

Just found an Egg McMuffin Wrapper under my pillow if anyone’s curious about my level of idgaf…

This is the best day ever to be in a group chat with people who aren’t online. They react to every piece of breaking news about the beef like you’re Paul Revere.

I'm just glad one of these men has the nuclear codes and the other has all our personal data.

Everyone rn

I just dusted a bathroom shelf with my underwear from the hamper. Follow me for more cleaning hacks.

Cut to split-screen montage of each of them looking out a rain swept window, listening to “Hello,” by Lionel Richie.

So, like, my only question is, is the country old enough to choose where we go in the custody battle?

Why am I here? Because NO one is going to try and control me. Like, dude, I don’t even have SELF Control. Therapist: No…like, just, that’s not… *sigh*.

Might eat starbursts for dinner

I just want the confidence of a 1920’s ice delivery man

my kink is watching people with Main Character Syndrome discover they are in fact just a side character at best, just like the rest of us

why is there no corn dog man? we need corn dog man

pigeon: coo homing pigeon: we should get more throw pillows

[First day of helicopter school] (Me, zipping fly back up): I believe I have made a mistake

Can you explain this gap in your resume? I was eating 150 grams of protein a day

How many commas would an Oxford comma comma if an Oxford comma could comma?

leftovers? you mean refrigerator poop?

Decided to spend the day cleaning and organizing our nine year old’s room. Going forward, I have decided that I, obviously, should not be in charge of making decisions.

Please, let the wolves rest. The wolves are very tired.