they should put very small traces of radiation in dollar bills so that it's harmless up to 1 million dollars, after that your flesh starts falling off

Sharpening my guillotine, HBU?

AI has truly ushered in an age of wonders. mainly, i wonder why none of these people ever took a humanities course.

ONE NIL TO THE ARSENAL!!! (Sorry, I’ve had very little to be happy about for the last few years, today actually had my lips curling up for a change. I almost forgot what that meant.)

Without downloading anything new, where are you mentally?

If I ever meet Aaron Boone in person, I’m taking hair. I will absolutely scalp the stupidest manager in baseball. I hate this MFer so much. His autobiography must be titled “How To Make The wrongest Decisions in Baseball.”

Going crazy is when you realize the little voice telling you to calm down is also screaming.

personally think that we need to start thinking about what kind of planet we’re leaving for Keith Richards and Willie Nelson

I’m rewatching The Stand, from 2020, and oh my goodness does it absolutely catch the essence of the MAGA movement. The kind of pricks who would follow Randall Flagg would absolutely be the people who follow Donald Trump.

Rewatching the Indiana Jones movies, and I just realized that Indy is canonically a sex offender, and the movies are all super racist. Fuck the past and all who idealize it.

Feelings, like glands, need to be expressed every now and again, or someday you will find yourself in a crowded carpeted room, dragging your sad across the floor just to experience some kind of relief.

People everywhere are like "He's bluffing!" Motherfuckers we shouldn't have to assume and hope a PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES is bluffing about nuclear Armageddon. This shit should not even be on the table. What the fuck is wrong with you?

John Hinckley is free now, ya know. Couldn’t Jodie Foster give a little encouragement, ya know what I mean?

Welcome to the future We don't have flying cars or clean energy but we do have a useless app for every fuckin thing in your home and landfills full of iPhone 4s

So I just learned that both of my ex wives will be at a friend’s birthday party next weekend, and I’m totally not throwing up from anxiety about that, at all.

The art of shitting the entire world's bed

Look, all I’m saying is that while I enjoy and appreciate The Onion, I don’t want to live inside of it.

whatever it is i don’t think i have it in me anymore

I wanna punch Pete Kegsbreath in the temple until he shits himself. Is that controversial?

3d printing a new blood brain barrier because mine won't quit letting the news in

We, the people ratified the 25th amendment for a fucking reason; okay, you sycophants in the Cabinet? Pitter-patter, let’s get at ‘er!

The world is a better place when the Red Sox and Yankees hate each other’s guts

you can make fun of rich people as much as you want with no karmic impact because they ain’t got souls

Charlie Brown got a pillowcase full of rocks and a long memory

Thou shalt not cry over gas prices if you voted for this.

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

Maybe we need to destroy the Large Hadron Collider- maybe that will reconnect us with a non-enshittified timeline. Else we need to destroy capitalism.

Considering what happened to Cricket for being impossible to train, Donald let Kristie Noem off lightly.

It’s been a long, long time, but I’m about to get back on the dating apps.

MAGA hates protesters way more than they hate pedophiles.

jean-paul sartre: hell is other people me: hell is figuring out what to fix for dinner every single night

Our capitalists don’t envision automation as a bridge to human prosperity, otherwise they’d advocate for the types of fundamental societal changes that would make that possible such as UBI or investment in infrastructure through taxing their income. Their vision for automation is a robot with a whip

If they won’t accept me at my worst, that’s wise. I can be a dick sometimes

Anne Frank died of typhus at Bergen-Belsen

Replacing Greg Bovino with Tom Homan is like shitting your pants and changing your shirt.

i bet a chant of “tiny baby coming through” would really get bovino’s goat, feel free to take that one, minnesotans

Anyone who approves of ICE is broken or evil or both. No exceptions

Forgive? No honey you have an enemy forever

How big is Greenland? Its so big it covers up 99% of the Epstein files.

There is a non-zero chance of this being a real thing. 😟

This novel about year 600 of the Third Reich, written in 1937 (before Austria was annexed! Before Kristallnacht! Before WWII started!) is a brilliant, terrifying study on masculinity & fascism & it reminded me of the Trump administration when I read it in December, 2023. All the more so, now.

every day, our president looks more and more what happens if a dog ate a traffic cone and then pooped it out

I think it’s important to point out: ICE does NOT have the same authority as a police officer. They do NOT have the power to enforce laws, only to engage in their specific tasks. IE: they don’t do traffic, etc. impeding traffic is not a penalty ICE can enforce against

This

I found this useful.

Opening old wounds to release some of this sewage water roiling through my veins.