[at strip club] Can we we sing happy birthday to my mom after this song? DJ: No problem, she’s up next.

How do I make eating Cheetos on webcam sound professional on my LinkedIn?

S&M Foods “I beat myself up.” - eggs “Tie me up.” - rib roast “I whip myself.” - cream “I crack open.” - nuts “Tenderize me.” - steak “I love battering.” - pancakes “I bruise easily.” peaches

Four bottles of red wine broke open and spilled all over the white carpet. Your spouse will return to the living room in ten minutes. Solve for X.

There is no dignified way to explain that I spread peanut butter on glazed donuts for breakfast.

Just over here existing, dreaming on a life.

Finger bang me out in the alley and make the raccoons jealous

canadian prostitutes are called mounties

What fresh hell is this? I prefer my hell dry aged for 30 days.

him: love is in the air me: that’s bleach

Do I also get a midlife crisis or does this full life crisis take precedence

i’m considering using profanity but in spanish. sounds sexier and unforgettable.

Came for the wine moms, stayed for the butthole skeets.

This is now a butthole skeets appreciation account.

I'd like to be alone now please sign out.

guidance counselor: so what do you want to do with your life me: i guess post online and stuff guidance counselor: (putting on glasses and taking out notepad) do you know how to make money doing that

"Please be careful. These are my favorite dress pants" I caution the dry cleaner. "Yeah, sure thing, $10.50" he says as he crumples them into a ball and throws them into a bag with god knows whos other pants.

(God creating a werewolf) God: once a month he’ll transition from human to murderous hound, terrorize villages, gut livestock & kill young lovers in the full moonlight. His howl will chill the flesh of even the bravest soul Angel: the rest of the time? God: just like, the nicest guy u can imagine

Charlie Brown's Six Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance 6. Good

Amazon Fulfillment Center: How can we help? Me: I need fulfillment AFC: Fulfillment is something you work for. It doesn't come overnight. Me: I'M A PRIME MEMBER

Tim: This is Tim from accounting Me: Hi Tim from accounting Tim: Just say Tim Me. Tim Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim

"seasoned butthole" You guys do that one yet?

Thank fuck January is over.

Good morning to everyone who survived January.

stung by how do you sleep at night a how do you live with yourself well I don't and I'm not doing that so well either but maybe people who should sleep with the fishes sleep very well despite doing terrible horrible no good very bad things to a sleeping child maybe a kid needs to sleep beyond a moat

feel me smooth in hand think of it when I'm callous and know in the woods when happiest I cry for those who can't be but could a wasp charmer never know their sting so alas, poor Yorick *holding a human heart* frailty is my middle name should we jest infinitely or point to our softest places

what if we thought of things in terms of spacetime allowing for the stretch and squeeze in the midst of violent cosmic events and how the matter we interact with affects communication over long distance maybe do you think you'd realize I didn't really leave you on read exactly intentionally at all

Hedge-fund is short for hedgehog fund.

It feels embarrassing, if I'm being honest, this everything.

ME: There’s a hole in my bucket HIM: Then fix it ME: With what shall I fix it? HIM: This is gonna be a whole thing, isn’t it?

TOM SELLECK: do you know what a reverse mortgage is ME: egagtrom TOM SELLECK: thank you

Note to self: check to see if laptop camera is OFF before launching into air guitar solo on last Teams meeting of the week

'Tainted Love' is probably my favorite song about gonorrhea

[flirting] you wanna get drunk and get matching He-Man haircuts

The pervs are really perving today.

Another day, another pervert.

*wakes up on February 1st* Me: Thank fuck January is done.

January was longer than a pair of tits on Twitter.

More boobs, less politics.

Hot wine moms on Bluesky are posting butthole skeets.

*aggressively flirts with you*

Not to brag, but the cougars are all over me at this Jo-Ann Fabrics.

Children seek attention. Adults demands respect. And legends? They just don't give a fuck. *being legends

I have my mom's eyes. She left them to me in her will.

I found it quite sobering when my kids said that any pet I get at this point in my life may well outlive me. Especially as I was only talking about getting a fucking goldfish.

You be the narcissist, I’ll be the arsonist.