It's my Friday today.

My favorite Dunkin is closed today. Please respect my privacy during the difficult 5 minutes until I can drive to another one.

So, the gub'ment is gonna pay cranberry farmers not to farm in Mass. <immediately starts cranberry farm> This is genius.

"That's just a little rubbin', lady... and rubbin' is racin'," he says, as he pushes the frail old woman aside for free Costco samples.

pronouncing "reese's pieces" like "feces" because that's the way we've done it since about 1980

Builds a time machine. Calls Information (411) to ask what time it is.

You see this, post a concert pic you took

<nudges over the last meatball on the plate with my nose; gazes into her eyes> "So tell me your thoughts on the impact and historical legacy of Dwight Eisenhower......"

Me: <waiting for rapture pickup> Lord, texting: brt 15 min

autism is not something that needs to be eradicated. in many cases it deserves to be celebrated. just a few historical figures that exhibited signs of autism: Isaac Newton Ludwig van Beethoven Nikola Tesla Albert Einstein judging greatness by how someone mingles at a party is deeply ignorant.

omg so raptured

Calendar settings fucked up my Rapture appointment. ugh

Can’t. All of my fucks are about to be raptured

I'll be at Costco tomorrow for the rapture because once everyone else is gone, it'll be naked sample day for me.

I miss the days when Disney still knew how to make a decent erotic thriller.

"I want something with mayonnaise..", the white man craved.

My week of inexplicable diarrhea is mostly over. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

calling them the toronto maple 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙨 as god intended

Nobody wants to sigh when midnight cries anymore, and that's sad.

Nobody wants to rock a rhyme thats right on time anymore, and that's just sad.

It was over when we stopped pushing back on the people who can't figure out your/you're.

When is Canada going to cut the bs and reveal its plan for the coming wave of American immigrants?

<clears throat at the hipster coffee shop, trying to stay relevant> "More like Nate Pewter, amirite?"

Fridays are for naked cartwheels in the town square and then pretending you're being chased by a swarm of angry bees to avoid getting arrested.

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy. Not a selfie

NSFW a band Vulfpecker

Not to be uncouth, but there's this one mom at parent pickup....

I have twice as much ass as I do butt

Sometimes I fight with chat bots just to feel something

Swinger party at your mom’s house and everyone is coming

This spam call could’ve been a spam email

<last line of speech to graduates at my alma mater> "And finally, please remember: A tit-for-tat that does not end in tits is no worthy melee at all." <random claps from drunk graduates; gown immediately removed and honorary degree revoked; escorted from premises> "Do you guys validate parking?"

man the temps haven't dipped below freezing yet but the snowflakes are just everywhere

Heard the old Emergency Alert System siren, thought of you.

goddamn wayback machine keeps dropping me off in september 2025

Yes, Paul: There *are* 50 ways to leave your lover, but texting is easiest.

*pulls tuesday aside to ask why it can’t be more like friday*

Calm down draft demanders and realize that would remove our one good excuse for typos

All my Saved posts are about the desperate need for a Drafts folder.

Pumpkin Spice Lobotomy

Do you even know where the left foot goes in step 3, bro? Waltzoff!

[______] won't change a thing because [______] is still a [______].

Summer's almost over and I haven't shredded any gnarly waves. Total slacker.

It's that time of year when people pretend that they like football

Fun fact: Three tiny families from Appalachia live in Jason Kelce's beard.

Sometimes I'm like, "Hey! Who put these socks in my front pockets?" And then I'm like, oh those are just my fat thighs.

Ask them to tell you about their favorite true crime podcast, then yawn in the middle of their nerdfest and walk away.

"Have you done the research for putting a tiny house on a pontoon boat, bro? Because I have." - Guy You Don't Pick a Fight With

Just hearing about this "spooping" trend, which is pooping while screaming, and Gwyneth Paltrow wrote an entire gut-health book on it?