Find friends? Already found em, thank you very much. They're right here. 🫶

must be italian

<holds phone above head, points it toward you> . . "I've never heard this version! It's really nice!" . . <11 seconds in, phone dies>

Just what has Obi-wan got against clumsy and random, anyway?

shoutout to mike for checking in on me today, as a good friend does

Got invited to one of the 2026 World Cup games this weekend, so I'm a football fan now and was also somehow drafted into the Tartan Army? 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Happy Taco Tuesday to all who celebrate.

Pro tip: don't Gchat your co-worker, "What stripper do we use to send booze as a gift?" The word you're looking for is *shipper*.

This might be the most dad thing I’ve ever said

Secret confession: Lego Batman is one of my favorite movies ever. And yes, I know the entire arc of the story is about him growing beyond this. But I'm digging this vibe for 2026. Strong contender.

My beautiful colleagues took pity upon my sleep deprivation and moved *all* of today's meetings. 🥹🙏 [Me mumbling Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime" over and over during the first Zoom call may have influenced this, but it was a gift either way.]

*Brings a first aid kit to a knife fight

*delirium intensifies* *memories turn into fanfic*

when you spot a typo

God: I have given you life, please sleep 30-40% of it.

stayed in a doomed relationship for 21 years too long because she had really nice eyes

you put a smile on this face ~staring at a drumset

Great day, totally spent. Let's go home.

guys, there are waymo self-driving cars than there used to be in the valley . . . <leaving soon, please forgive me>

finally some good news

a haunted house but it’s just a phone call you have to make

Too many good memories to count.

What horrors are we in for today?

charlie puth playing in the complimentary breakfast line and this made-to-order omelette chef won't even grind with me wtf

having a suit made in this pattern for our date

You may not be into Monday morning but Monday morning is so very into you

Crazy that all those renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

trying to do time zone math with calendar schedule plus red-eye flight to predict if the sleep deprivation will have me hallucinating and/or in jail by tuesday night

Maybe it's too soon. But I just don't know a better song that captures how I feel about my DoorDash order.

Let's play a fun game called I Hate Myself Just Enough to Order DoorDash Again.

What is your favorite song about a DJ saving your life

Dating someone who could whistle with their fingers and summon a sentient pickup truck would fix me.

oh, was there a game on today?

the little hole in the face pillow on the massage table is for corndogs

(Everyone is stressed and pissed off) Apple: let’s do an update

Babe, I am totally 100% dependable and you can always count on me.* . . . *to ask for a table inside if they seat us on the patio and there is a bird within 30 ft of me

I'm just wholesome enough to alienate a brand new group of potential followers

The hill I will die on will likely be a pile of bills.

People at the bar last night acted like they’d never heard someone do a sea shanty rap in the style of Eminem.

Who up raising their vibration, manifesting stuff

Sunday morning song from the desert. ☀️

I put the me in lame.

Good morning. music.youtube.com/watch?v=GG77...

Ending each conversation today with “I could eat”.

opening my one notification

robert page jimmy plant (sound quality is atrocious i'm so sorry)

Shoutout to Manny, wicked nice guy who grew up in Mass and over the course of a 1.1 mi ride we're now basically best friends. He insisted on being my private car to the airport when I leave. Also, please remember this information when they call to write the script for the Dateline episode.

giving everyone nice g'bye hugs at the holiday party but mostly hoping i don't get norovirus

Holiday Party solidarity, everyone. We'll be ok.

Going to the “our kids are all friends but I don’t really like anyone here” holiday party tonight (will get shitfaced)