JEAN VICQUEMARE - “God, I don't know...” He thinks. “Six years ago? She was way before my time.” VOLITION - Six years and you haven't gotten over it, what the hell is wrong with you?

Takeout/delivery and cooking your own food are both wrong. Instead you should be extracting atmospheric dust, nutrients, and moisture using specialized microscopic hairs called trichomes.

omg be fucking FOR REAL

The Trump $1.776 billion slush fund is not mere corruption. Trump is giving his brownshirts money for recruiting, logistics, AR-15's and tactical gear. Nobody in the national media seems to be talking about this, or about how the Paycheck Protection Program played a central role in funding Jan 6

*We* are not out of ideas; rich people are. They don’t have to think, so of course they have nothing to contribute. I am thinking all of the time. Do you want to hear my idea for a one-woman show? What about my idea for a summer solstice festival? I’ve got an idea for a spaghetti based short film

it's cool that the president is trying to steal two billion dollars from my taxes to give to his pedophile friends and i'm supposed to like keep doing my job or whatever

me blocking someone

"birth rates are declining" don't care I already got born

Guy with visible stink lines: the birth rate,

As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website

how has hotel TV gotten so much worse

TIL

I’m sorry but basically everyone who wants an edit button is the type of person who follows 15,000 accounts and sucks at posting. You don’t need to edit your posts bro! Nobody is reading them!

forgot to prepare myself for the onslaught of popular country music down here at the lake of the ozarks. it still sounds the same as it did the last time I had to listen to it

i miss school talent shows do u have any idea how hard it is to get people to watch u do karate for four straight minutes as an adult

seeing more and more armadillo road kill in central MO than I've ever seen in my life. is that good?

ᴵ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵈᶦᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᵐᵉᵃⁿ ᶦᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵃʸ ᵃᵗ ᵃˡˡ. ᴵ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ˢᵃᶦᵈ ᴵ ʷᵃˢ ᵃ ᵍᵒᵒᵈ ᶜᵒᵐᵐᵘⁿᶦᶜᵃᵗᵒʳ.

seems like a lot of the "this is just a distraction from the Epstein files" people are fully distracted by other things right now

in a way, isn’t causing men to crash out before she’s even done anything just proof that Lupita is perfect for Helen of Troy

this podcast ad with this white lady talking about her pets named biggie and smalls feels like violence to me

mr. met is like doctor doctor when i make love to mrs. met, it is so short-lived. i don’t give my wife the pleasure she deserves and the doctor is like, the solution is-a very simple. just-a think about baseball. and mr. met is like, but doctor, I am baseball

i think that babies should have to file tax returns under penalty of law. hear more on my daily video series And I Can’t Even! that costs $8,000 to produce per episode and that people have only ever seen by accident

me and 3 dachshunds raising hell around town on this bad boy

gonna print this out and stick it on the fridge for whenever my husband and I even think about having a fight

i’ve had a really productive past couple of days and i think i’ve figured out what the trick is: seeing a lot of losers online and recoiling from doing anything that reminds you of them

its always 2 Michaels telling each other "shhh"

Sad to see ticket sales for the World Cup are struggling. FIFA need to do something drastic to get people excited about it. Let the players pick up the ball

Facebook meme: In the 80s, we wanted The Cure so we got into The Cars and drove to the Culture Club. It was all Talk Talk on the way there 🤪 Every reply: my son is too clothes minded to understand this. he’s even beginning to dislike breads/toast and im starting to become afraid

ken said kid rock was florida coded on jeopardy. pretty good

all the people who didn't leave twitter are missing out on all the fun jf posts. sucks for them

we were robbed of a Disco sequel where Cuno grew up to be a cop

the junebugs got here early again

It’s gotta be exhausting living like this

I have constructed a very simple and badly formatted flowchart so that liberals can understand the position of leftists on the Democratic party

Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game https://theonion.com/masturbating-man-keeping-eye-on-game/

what sex w me is like

Social Media in 2035

a lot of comedians I follow are sharing a video from chelsea handler again. personally when I hear her voice I can only think of her spreading propaganda and how much she supports genocide

We have a guest in the house tonight. Asked if he could “lurk creepily in the dark.” We said ok but regret it now.

the world is a better place with so many milfs in it. that’s just the truth, and I don’t think we should hide from the truth

I don’t think any cruise ships should be allowed back, just in case.

I just started collision and you can hear whoever is in the back telling the commentators what to say next. fascinating