One of my all-time favourite tweets

“I’m trying to find a monastery where all the monks are over six foot five” “That’s a tall order”

AUGH ERRAUGHHER??? BWERRGHGH www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1Rd...

*the faint sound of saxophone begins to play in the distance*

My car gives me an overheat warning. Swiftly I eject the warp core, the smouldering battery sliding and skipping across the street, straight into the storefront of a nearby cafe and starting what would later be called The Great Fire of 2034.

anyone need their horse rotated?

Hey, I'm your streaming app. Did you want to continue watching all these shows with 11 seconds remaining on the episode? Don't you want to know who dubbed them in Svensk?

The Day Today was so good it managed to parody 2025 back in 1996

Tylenol was always one of those American things you didn't know what it was. Like Twinkies and Pottery Barn and Ted Koppel and whatever the hell a caucus is.

They should make a Settlers of Catan movie where the villain plots to take over the world by acquiring 3 wheat

Dan Deacon Teaches Typing

This may seem cute but if you do this too much the cyclists may become reliant on cars feeding them, disrupting the delicate roadway ecosystem

Important: hereditary peer James Bethell is DJing at a healthtech conference/festival at Harwell Campus

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

if you have infinite monkeys typing on infinite typewriters one of them will eventually produce the entire works of shakespeare. but you don't have that kind of start up capital. start with 10 monkeys writing steven king's Christine. soon you'll be turning a profit and can start scaling your monkeys

‘average person squashes 30000 blueberries ayear’ factoid actualy just statistical error. average person squashes 0 blueberries per year. Father Georg, who lives with a baby and squashes over 100 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

no man you need to talk to the bread department. i only work the circus side

[me, a journalist who spends all day every day on a social media app where the discovery algorithm is personally controlled by its owner, captain birdseye] you know, a lot of people are talking about fish fingers, we should probably cover that

It's Baby Safety Month.

I told someone last night that they really needed to commit to watching a particular show in its context in order to get to know the characters and appreciate it for what it was, but I can’t remember if I was talking about The Wire or Taskmaster

No idea where my colleague’s lunch is going or at what speed

boys with the time machine: wow. so this is kowloon walled city

[at dinner with Tony the Tiger] "Tony, can you say grace?" "Yes, but it takes me a bit longer than everyone else".

Do you think unbending Clippy until he was a long piece of metal would be painful for him. Or do you think it would cause him to feel a great sense of relief

Thanks to budget cuts at the BBC, the programme is now just Jo and Gran

yes i would like push notifications (notifications that I am about to be pushed off a cliff)

lmao i saw a meme about thresher sharks and i thought "they can't possibly look that panicked" but they DO

YVAN EHT BLAHAJ

one morning, when gregor samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a very hungry caterpillar

ME, IN TEARS: you can't just say every single part of a computer system is a file UNIX, POINTING AT THE MOUSE: file

Babe, new candidate for "most unfathomable spatial comparison" just dropped.

rip edgar allan poe, you would have loved That's So Raven

It's seven years since we posted on Twitter about how kids kept coming into the library asking if we had any books about FORTNITE. We didn't back then, and we'd never heard of it so we tried asking what it was.

Guy who regularly confuses poptimism with papism

The start of every 80s movie:

She said no.

how did I only just realise the name Sugababes is a really obvious response pun to the Spice Girls

keyless ignition is one of the all time worst technological trade-offs ever

thanks for that ft

Freed from desire, mind and senses purified Freed from desire, mind and senses purified Freed from desire, mind and senses purified Freed from desire...

ME: *writing in my journal with the sole aim of pissing off future historians and archaeologists* I returned to my home - which is built in the usual style - by the normal way, and prepared and ate dinner in the way I often but not always do

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

half man half biscoff

‘… social historian David Kynaston, told The Observer he suspects “a serious scandal is unfolding” John Wyver, Ian Greaves, Erica Wagner and others on the growing battle to prevent damaging changes to the BBC’s priceless behind-the-scenes archives:

JASON⁵⁰⁰⁰. It is only 10am. Close the door. I'm afraid I can't do that Dave.