oh neat, my shower head has a secret setting, i think, as a single beam of ultra-pressurised water passes clean through my skull, killing me instantly

the Financial Times has published a thorough - and in my view uncalled for - data-led analysis of my use of social media, detailing my questionable posting judgement and diminishing engagement

probably felt insanely good to be a 1960s UK businessman at your job managing tobacco distribution from your modernist office block called like Oakview House ?

manchesterism would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

Space station security chief here. If we were mining the asteroid too greedily I’d expect the psychosis to be spreading a leeettle bit further than the lower decks

hey man! i'm so sorry to dip from the party last moment, but i seem to be double booked 😭 don't hate me, but i also poisoned several of your other guests, so you can probably count them out too 😬 hope you have an amazing time though 🥳

the "brat" songstress, the lime green phenomenon - hell, i probably don't even need to say her name. and that kids (misspelling MARKETING in giant font on the chalkboard) is the power of Brand

Charli XCX has weighed in on the Blair essay - and the eponymous Brat is *not* pulling her punches 👇 (1/8)

the closure of the White Hotel is pretty much the personal 9/11 for guys who talk about Lancashire's historic boundaries on dates

MS Outlook: Reaction Daily Digest 😬 Adam reacted to your message: Anyone up for a pint tonight? 🤡 John reacted to your message: Re: Some ideas for systems improvement 👎 Ellen reacted to your message: Anyone up for a pint tonight? 🖕Tim reacted to your message: Help! Locked in meeting room?

MYTH ❌: Kicking ice under the fridge may cause damp and electrical issues FACT ✅: Kicking ice under your fridge allows it a refreshing and cooling snack, which - for household white goods - is especially important in a heatwave

(guy who is unaware of the racial conflict connotations of "long hot summer") So good to finally kick off our very own long hot summer 🙌

the discovery of my dinner party risk mitigation matrix - scoring each friend by their flakiness and their conversational added value - has caused disquiet among my guests

never quite been able to wear a thin t-shirt in the same way after this tweet

struggling to get much momentum behind my pro-parking fine activist journalism short form video account

picture a beautiful, glamorous woman - clipping along at 30 km/h on a heavily modified e-bike surprised? not who you were expecting? (scrawling "UNCOMSCIOUS BIAS" across the whiteboard) Today I'm going to ask you to sit with that feeling,

leading economists have concluded that your favorite childhood memories - the joy of a snow day, the smell of fresh-cut grass, the cool wind of summer dusk - were merely Zero-Interest Rate Period phenomena, and have limited relevance for today's macro environment

trying to move a hen, a frog, a bag of grain, a scorpion, and a wolf across a river with what i can only describe as limited success

(at my absolute political and personal nadir) Ah, a delegation of my most loyal ministers request an audience? Delightful - certainly, they would bring only good news

Well, let's just say I didn't have [checks notes] Catherine West MP bringing down [checks notes] Prime Minister [checks notes] Keir Starmer on my [checks notes] 2026? [checks notes] bingo card??

We need to have the courage to have the hard conversations. To go further in our boldness. And to then embolden our conversations with the voters. That is the change I was elected to deliver.

critics have described my DJ sets as rewarding easy categorisation, burdened by context, and reinforcing boundaries between genre

oh so we actually met on Citymapper? yeah the urban navigation app

Voters are furious. Communities are concerned. Campaigners say changes "don't go far enough". And me? I'm just here in the middle 🤨 Tryna make sense of it all 🤔

your boyfriend has a self-described complex relationship with the New Statesman

(painstakingly assembling an obstacle course of rakes, tripwires and banana skins before stepping on each with perfect accuracy) Is Britain Now Ungovernable?

tried a delicious "coffee" this morning. a type of rich chowder made of beans. similar to japanese miso, with an intriguing flavour of wood

sorry babe can you say that again - i was too busy mentally constructing an opening credits sequence out of the FT's stylised Labour leadership photo montages

practicing urban foraging (picking off a single banana from the bunch in the small Sainsbury's)

scientists now say the best time to have a delicious cup of coffee is late at night, so that the caffeine is fully washed out of your system ahead of your next sleep cycle 🙌

financial journalists post in all caps because they are shouting to be heard above the din of a busy trading floor

wind has blown my hat off my head twice in the last two days. hands to my head, whoopsie expression on my face, the whole deal. undignified

🚨 ANARCHY IN THE UK? Gen Alpha are going on filmed pro-social rampages through local centers. Motivated only by view counts, they are strengthening community ties, revitalizing third spaces, and establishing mass-membership organisations Here's what you need to know about this troubling new trend 👇

A moment that changed me: I saw a big cat on Dartmoor - and no one believed me

Positive masculinity is when a man has a baby strapped to him; the more babies he has strapped, the better the example he sets for today's young men 🙌

"dress for the job you want" - okay but would you say this corduroy shirt is giving 'writer of sprawling book reviews only nominally connected to the book itself' or ??

Any tips for weathering a withering fusillade or am I hooped? It's just that I've been given the choice to be the guy with the drum or the banner and I'm worried I'll be used as a literary device to examine the tragedy of war, as excitement gives way to horror

Mrs. Dalloway took cover to reload her AR-15 mag as the last of her squad went down and said it looked like she'd have to do this shit herself.

You go to the cinema. "Oh hey, I didn't know Alana Haim was in this", you think. You go to the bar. Huh, you didn't know Alana Haim drank here. Now you're at the party. You didn't know Alana Haim knew your friend. It's not an issue particularly. You quite like Alana Haim, after all

the possibly foreseeable catch with retreating to the liberal text-based social media version of KMT-run Taiwan is becoming increasingly baffled by developments on the mainland, including the alleged existence of popular left-wing commentator "Andy Twelves"

every week the small Chinese supermarket seems to stock entirely new varieties of chili oil - i believe they do this solely to delight and surprise me, the protagonist of the city

motorbike mugger thumbing through Morgan McSweeney's phone and throwing it away in disgust seeing it full of Whatsapps from senior Labour figures

bro you are vivacious

he died doing what he loved (attempting to enforce the post-2022 pedestrian right-of-way at junctions)

$200 a barrel is misleading. You're not just paying for the container, but also the valuable crude oil inside of it.

these days, it seems fewer and fewer people have an important meeting with visiting Japanese businessmen in the morning. and less and less acquisitions and mergers are derailed by hilarious cultural misunderstandings, right at the moment of signing. just one more victim of woke ?