sorry babe can you say that again - i was too busy mentally constructing an opening credits sequence out of the FT's stylised Labour leadership photo montages

I've always loved the relaxed, refreshing vibe of a non-alcoholic late night venue. But last week I found myself wondering - couldn't this be even more awesome, with a beer? That's why I'm launching Third Space - the first alcohol-free bar for people who like to get a litttttle crazy with it 👇

incredible scenes at the Euston urinals - dozens of men holding hands and chanting "Put your phone away and have a proper piss"

Chotiner: I'm going to eat you... Victim: Aaaahhh!! Chotiner: I'm putting you between two big slices of bread.... Victim: Aaagh! Aaagh! Chotiner: And now...I'm covering you with mustard... Victim: No! NO!

(Uruk's first stand-up, 4500 BC) Temple laborers these days huh. "Ohh I miss protein" - what's wrong with a bowl of fermented barley beer? (booing) Come on. You can't tell me *this* guy did badly out of grain cultivation (dodging thrown cuneiform tablet) Tough crowd? I have no frame of reference!

hey man. me and a few of the guys were thinking about attempting the transition from seasonal foraging to early sedentary city-state status later if you're down ?

Epstein's male friends: You have the courage of a lion. You are the truest friend. Our lives are as one. Stand firm Jeffrey. Give them hell. my male friends: Hey man. How's it going?

In this down-at-heel diner in Labour's traditional Levenshulme heartland, the party's erstwhile base is asking questions with no easy answers for the Prime Minister. Questions like; Is the male mullet passé? Is Feeld the new Hinge? How much can a glass of natural orange wine really cost, anyway?

Welcome to my festival of music 😌 (crowd cheers) And of ideas 😏 (crowd screams, blast doors slam shut, Rory Stewart jogs on stage)

Lineup for 'Will This Do?' festival 2026 unveiled, featuring The Fratellis (Chelsea Dagger 17th anniversary tour), Jess Glynne, and Groove Armada (DJ set)

"Flying Ant Day" is the title of my widely panned, rooneyesque debut novel

her: I guess I'm looking for something of a Renaissance Man, you know? me (thinking of Vitruvian Man, slowly shifting my arms and legs to outline a perfect circle): Totally

Keir Starmer has slammed my recent purchase of a £5 bake and oat flat white: "Not in the interests of the British people at this time"

opening the Wikipedia page for the UK Labour party with a pleasant smile, gradually draining away into a mask of unbridled horror as i scroll closer to the present day

Tom Foolery was the first man to act silly - this was so startling to his contemporaries he was hanged by the neck until dead.

John Burn-Murdoch has broken into my apartment and is charting my personal decline across key metrics in red paint over the walls

Experience: I dined across the divide at the pub that changed me

"From here on out, it's Obaa" - OBAA (2025)

disappointingly poor effort from the Office for National Statistics on their In/Out for 2026 post - 21 days late and arguably not even particularly funny ?

nice courtney barnett and waxahatchee song on the radio. if you listen carefully to the production you can hear all the sounds made by mj lenderman attempting to break into the studio to add an extra guitar bit

👱‍♀️: what can i get you, darl 😏: just keep em coming 👱‍♀️: you haven't ordered a drink yet 😥: o..ohh, sorry it's my first time in a bar. um, grandma used to make fresh lemonade where all the ice cubes had little dinosaur toys frozen inside. she called them 'arctic expeditions' - do you have that?

every day the Financial Times asks me questions i am frankly unqualified to answer

With immense regret that it has come to this, I will - effective immediately - be applying a retaliatory 10% reduction in the number of emoji reacts for American members of my group chats

bro did you seriously just confuse the map for the terrain 😬

every month features a headline saying "Boost/Blow to Rachel Reeves as GDP SURGES/COLLAPSES 0.1%" and then you read on and it's entirely dependent on whether Jaguar Land Rover have managed to turn on their computers

Incredible posting

for today's urban professionals, a big scarf is the closest subsitute for a billowing cloak - another loss to so-called modernity

Morgan McSweeney relationship advice column where he tells you to make zero changes so you can focus on constantly reminding them about the reason they're upset

calling everyone I meet wearing a quater-zip fleece "hotshot"

last thing you see as a beloved UK national treasure before you are dragged kicking and screaming to the afterlife

(guy who doesn't really understand what psychogeography means) Yeah this new clothes rack has really changed the psychogeography of my room

👋 a tip for the Bluesky newbies 🐣 my first day on Bluesky i went up to the biggest account on the timeline and reeled off a series of non-sequiturial bits funny only to myself. never had any trouble after that

I don’t think we should have ceded control quite so quickly and without so much as a fight.

if you have a distressing, intense or strangely psychosexual dream you should be allowed to go to A&E in the morning

*Stares in fluent in sarcasm*

"I'm conscious of time" - The Passage of Time Experiencer

they should make a reverse ozempic that increases your desires, appetites, and overall joie de vivre

dentist is putting up prices due to "the current geopolitical environment"

i was the only home whose cable didn’t go out when the sopranos finale aired and it showed tony looking up and seeing two guys walk into the restaurant holding hands. then it cut back to tony shrugging, which you have to understand in 2007 was a very powerful statement

"this site is dying", i mutter, as i again hit refresh on my riff in the Sainsbury's Haricot Beans In Water (400g) review section. still no engagement

heyy gang we have *got* to check out the new Milwaukee-style pizza joint. Insta says it's a UK-first ? they do St Louis-style subs too. everything costs £15. they are serving the famed Pittsburgh Hoagie

fontaines dc jukebox musical but the plot is the same as mamma mia

2026 predictions: - 'Hapsburg summer' sweeps Bushwick, Dalston, south Manchester etc - Dua Lipa irredentist Albanian presidential run narrowly beaten by pro-EU centrist - Uncle-centric dating app launched - 'Liquidity crisis' pipped to Oxford Word of the Year by 'Vizier Mindset'

Readers will no doubt remember 30-50 feral hogs. Well, swap out 30-50 feral hogs for rampaging activist interest groups, and small kids for the change-hungry British electorate. Wouldn't you too reach for the assault rifle of untrammelled executive power?

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

Opener was unfortunately even funnier — pure Partridge

hey man. you know earlier when i asked if you liked my new linen shirt and you gave a non-committal answer and then spent several hours posting jokes about "Uniqlo Boys"? do we need to talk about that ?

guy wearing an open button-up shirt over a second, buttoned up shirt