the stars are air holes

I'm too old to be a skeptic now. The alien mummies are real. Bigfoot is real. The cosmic serpent is real. But the chupacabra? 100% fake.

Unbothered. Moisturized. Happy. In My Lane. Focused. Flourishing

People think octopuses love October because they both begin with "octo" but the truth is that octopuses spend the whole month getting excited for Halloween because they are capable of giving out candy extremely quickly & efficiently.

Me and the homie looking at you right after you suggest we steal the Declaration of Independence.

My home’s hallways are lined with oil portraits of my ancestors in hand carved frames composed entirely of Arby’s beef sandwiches.

Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that‘s called foreshadowing

The waiter said my steak was rare but it turns out there are literally thousands of steaks.

laughing out longingly

You ever pirate a movie? Give it 3.14 stars every time.

We need to return to the days when the only "bit coin" was an old pirate nibbling a doubloon to make sure the gold was real.

Asked my coworker when they were getting into the office today. They said “15 to 20 minutes Max.” Seven years working together and they never remember that my name is Jesse.

If I die in a tragedy, you're allowed to make fun of it. What am I gonna do, complain?

Nice pillow sham you got there. Would be a shame if you added an e to the end.

doctor mario

see a post from a moot? go ahead and fave it. there's no reason not to. it's free

You can unlock any door by being emotionally vulnerable with it. Communication is key.

When you repost your own posts

They raised the price of the gas station air pump by 25 cents. That’s the cost of inflation.

Hot Dads in Your Area Want to Know Who Messed With the Thermostat

The thing about spells is that you always have to look them up in some rare old book. You want to reverse a spell? Another old book, or maybe an obscure scroll or an ancient amulet. Nobody’s inventing new spells or magical objects anymore. Where is the innovation in the witchcraft industry?

the best thing about an amish flash mob is the free barn

There is a steakhouse with a 20 ft tall ceiling from which the choicest cuts of meat dangle. If you can grab one, you eat for free. No one has ever achieved this. The steaks are too high.

Every day is a gift, but lots of them are cheap promotional gifts, like cup holders

Laying on a heated rock and waiting for crickets to crawl into my mouth

Lord of the Rings is awesome because someone can shout “Crebain from Dunland!” and all the characters understand perfectly but you, the observer, are never told what a crebain is or learn where Dunland is. It rules.

For sale: clown shoes, your size.

When the beans are garbanzo

Because the journey of 500 hours begins with a single step

Why did the chicken cross the road?

By 2025 the internet will be completely unusable. You could Google how to treat a rattlesnake bite and they’d make you watch a crypto ad before showing you an article written by AI that tells you to order a snickers from grubhub

*trying to connect with my mutuals* wow i sure love being Thirty Six years old!!

making a terrible point in the mushroom discourse, call that a shiitake

no producer has ever made a beat that goes as hard as the washing machine

And they’re saying we delved too greedily, they’re saying—do we like delving, folks? Do we love it. Mo-ri-a. We dug a thousand perfect mines, okay, but the elves, they don’t want you to know, and they’ve been very nasty to me

everyone is kung-fu fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind

Creating a vegan alternative to communion wafers called I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!

The existential dread here is more comforting.

Not a cellphone in sight, just people living in the moment