George and Mandy's first Grogu

Telling another cowboy to stand down:

Person named "jrue" pronounced like "drew" or "true'

Me to 3yo: What do you want for your birthday party theme? 3yo: “Poopoo & peepee theme! We can get apple juice for the pee, so a skeleton pees and you drink the skeleton pee but it’s okay because it’s juice” Me: ..K I was thinking like “dinosaurs” but let’s put a pin in “piss fountain of the dead”

Ferengi gym bro all about them gains

Pusch: I'm tired of your bullshit. Nguyen: What are you gonna do? That ad is gold! Pusch: You think you're better than me? I don't even like that ad. Wynne: Hi my name is Wynne am I early? Has he left? N: You're stealing my ad pitch?! P: No, we're making our own ad, his name is unrelated.

ME: the opposite of antibiotic is unclebiotic PHARMACIST: the opposite of probiotic is amateurbiotic *we kiss*

If this is it, I just wish I did more with it. And by it, well, I mean my peanitz

in the jungle, the alpha jungle, the lion's sleepmogging tonight

Raisins don't have souls, grapes do

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

when i become mayor your penis will not dissappear inside of your balls whenever you sit down . That will not happen anymore

THIS POST IS MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. UNDER NO CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES MAY YOU READ THIS POST. READING THIS POST MAY RESULT IN FINES OR CRIMINAL CHARGES. DO NOT COPY, SHARE, OR TRANSMIT THIS POST.

I don't want to be Apollo to this Artemis but my gift of prophecy tells me something's going to go wrong

I can’t get mad about a Super Mario movie like I can’t get mad at the restaurant that has a kids menu where the kids can write on the piece of paper with crayons. It’s for them to enjoy

My April Fools jokes have been, and remain, various legally actionable threats against individuals. Hahaha

Good morning. "Jerry Chen Seeking Verification" was a 32-month sociological experiment studying the effects of excessive nagging on social media and its effects on users, conducted by Quinnipiac University. We are now complete with our study; thank you for your time.

hey is it okay if I pronounce microscopic like my cross co-pick

@edzitron.com Have you considered that "The Big Short 2" might suck? The Enron movie is lower mid at best, you are aware of this now. One two skip a few, you should give me exclusive interviews. No other aspiring director will blow as much VFX budget on "za worldo" as your hopes demand

"What if iFunny gave you the dark thoughts?" - Bluesky pitch meeting

If anything what feels like might (might!) save us this time is Globalism, Organizing, Oil dependence, Nuclear deterrence, the Internet, and Nincompoops GOONIN'

kwisatz haderach? i hardly know 'er rack!

Why are so many newspapers like "The <Place> Times/Tribune/Chronicle/whatever" If I had a newspaper I would call it a newspaper. "The Boston Newspaper"

I don't like otters. They may not be ensouled

It is not possible to get out of bed on time. We don't have the technology

sitting in traffic when a smart beautiful woman, w/an amazing personality, walks close by—about 5ft away. i lock my car doors out of respect

weather’s so nice got the timeline like “‪goodbye seasonal affective disorder depression, hello regular ass depression”

when the freaks dm me i usually figure out their Game fairly quickly. But this , to me, is a total mystery. I cannot assess the threat level

sometimes a pet dog will have a second name in addition to its given central name. a name like "mr man" or "stinker boy", or "little peanut", or "angel baby"

-viziermaxxing and deceitmogging my trustoid ruler -who are you texting? -no one my lord

wait, fuck, this is gorillaz

yea i like dune….dune 3 chicks at the same time….yea i guess you could say i like dune…3….dune 3 chicks. yea well i guess you could say 3 dune…dune 3 chicks. Well yea i guess you could say i like dune 3….dune 3 chicks. yea well i guess

Irish-Americans were smart to invent a holiday where you have to kiss them. I'm inventing one for Indian-Americans that's hand stuff.

Imagine watching them slice this guy up at the deli counter

I LOVE THIS TOWN! #boston

It is very easy to read statements like this as a joke. This is not a joke. We have proven with AI, completely by accident, what knowledgeable people have been saying for decades: the environment that rich people live in gives them a very specific personality disorder.

I keep rewatching the Microsoft co-pilot pizza place ad. What advice did this fictional old man get in Excel that lets him sell $1 slices economically. Furthermore why did they need to make up a guy? If it was actually capable of that sort of thing shouldn't there be an actual story?

I know it's a silly jokey joke, but people REALLY need to stop anthropomorphizing their boyfriends. "My boyfriend told me" your boyfriend didn't "tell" you anything. "My boyfriend thinks..." your boyfriend can't actually think or feel; just output a convincing simulation of it based on probability 🙄

I don’t have time for this right now

*taste-testing blindfolded* ME: This one must be the Diet Coke, because it's cold. The other one must be the coffee. TESTER: Correct.

My employer asks me to complete a survey on AI usage for which this is the first question (required):

Season 3 scene of Dr Abbott describing intimacy with Dr Mohan to a distressed Whittaker (Dr Robby killed himself)

More like gaylight savings time

"the first time you fall in love, it's not always with a girl." (Hard cut to crocodile)

Beaver... much was left to him

But I don't want to give my blood to the blood God!

It's my favorite Star Wars character

Can I say something without everyone getting mad at me?