"Hey, did you happen to take any notes of that meeting?" Um, no man, I was too caught up, too present in the meeting.

If you can read this, and are currently an MLB free agent, the Toronto Blue Jays are reportedly "sniffing around you".

It's okay.

The MTG pivot is a good dragnet for identifying the most gullible people in all of mankind. Also, it's cross-political. You can identify the easiest marks left, right, and center here. A very easy, inoffensive, diverse way to identify our society's finest wallet inspector customers

Calling Dracula “Dra-cool” like a celeb calling him Bob DeNiro.

(spending 9 billion dollars to make a robot say "i have always loved you") hard times create strong men

Listen, we all make mistakes. The good news is the Packers still have the chance to make this right by re-hiring Mike McCarthy

If you ever listen to the audiobook version of Stephen King's Insomnia narrated by Eli Wallach but you are worried about any audio mixing issues or inappropriate creative choices by the producers don't worry the Fandom wiki on the book has you covered:

The Papal strut is killing me

*Diamond Dallas Page voice*

i’d be more comfortable with the olivia nuzzi coverage if every story was headlined something like “seduced by a guy who eats roadkill: the story of an extremely stupid lady”

I love how the messy ol’ lump keeps a list of “distraction news releases” and how he’s reaching the bottom of it.

donald trump has been found unresponsive next to a bottle of flintstones chewables

The Newspaper Experts come jumping out every time trying to explain that we all just don't get that this huge package glossy photo 5,000 word profile using up extremely valuable real estate is actually a Carrie-like prank. For some reason.

The more I think about it, the more “There’s no ‘i’ in ‘Teamocil’/at least not where you think…” is one of the funniest lines ever written.

I’ll bet he was.

hot damn

2021: Shohei wins MVP 2022: Judge wins MVP, Shohei runner-up 2023: Ohtani wins MVP 2024: Judge wins MVP, Ohtani wins MVP 2025: Ohtani wins MVP, Judge wins MVP

Raptors taking the Cavs (non-sexually) to Pound Town!

I do like that for every article you see on bad office behaviour there is a perfect accompanying Steve Carrell pic.

My tonsils fell out naturally

always sit in the back. People will think you're cool

Tfw Merv

I would absolutely eat a blue jay.

mentioning the president’s many horrific crimes would only make him sad, a position our country’s enemies would take advantage of…

Did not really expect to wake up to “cows are racist” or “cows know what’s up immigration-wise” on the old timeline, let alone “cows are right to be xenophobic,” let alone “cows are right to be xenophobic because they so treasure their current cushy lifestyles.”

Hannity: When did you notice Biden’s cognitive decline? Miller: I think it was through all of the times that Trump has fallen asleep in public and talked about magnets getting wet.

Did Underage Girls Ruin Politics? Tomorrow in the @nytimes.com

i finally see that jeffery epstein did kill himself, he was getting too many emails.

how aren’t they just run out of town

Dear fellow pedophile, Donald Trump is fully aware of my work in my capacity as a pedophile. Regards, A pedophile

In a message obtained by Congress, the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein wrote that Trump spent hours at his house with one of Epstein’s victims

Bill Kennedy about to announce the result of a review

“Take the damn L!”

Weapons was really good and scary and funny. Ignoring the big plotholes, don’t care.

this is literally never not accurate

This article is hilarious. "Fans face backlash for booing Trump". And the "backlash" is just six tweets from MAGA accounts. What a media apparatus. www.foxnews.com/sports/comma...

Doing great.

I don’t think my heart could stand finding out that Taco Bell and Walmart are just in it for the profit

Well, this is timely! New evidence presented ahead of the 50th anniversary of the disaster prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the SS Edmund Fitzgerald sank in heavy seas because the captain drove it under the water instead of on top. "I guess he was trying something new," say researchers.

And he’ll tell you - for a price.

Have not ever met anyone irl with a last name close to “Orsulak”

Raptors-76ers game is horrid. Just horrid basketball.

Cool photo I took a few seconds after waking up when Joe Camel hit me with his car

The chorus of Benson Boone’s Beautiful Things is just the “Hey/Wait/Ive Got a New Complaint” from Heart Shaped Box. I can’t unheard it now.

You get those platinum glove awards sent out yet? Sure did boss, buried late on a Friday night just like you asked What