my dude had a conversation with Walter Johnson and played catch with his great-grandfather before play resumed

I have had just about enough of this Donald Trump guy.

Even Woodrow Wilson is like, dude, dial it back, you can’t be that racist

there is no reason for that last retweet other than i like the way the words read (and sound) together

Nattily dressed guy walking two dachshunds across Fifth Ave: “Alright, boys, here’s your favorite tree!”

google results now come with jump scares

I don't have the time to make a list 50 deep of things that would be more important, but here's just one: Induced demand. Learning that at an early age would help society a lot!

Tough way to end what had been a really good spring training for the Giants. They'll put their heads down and focus on Opening Day this Friday.

You bet there is. He was drafted just after Giants new lefty Ryan Borucki. It gives the broadcast an excuse to keep talking about him (Borucki).

Everyone is complaining about the Giants, but nobody is remember that if this pace keeps up, they'll have over 300 hits by the end of the season.

I will take any excuse to share this gif of Randy Johnson taking a picture of Megadeth.

jazz improv

Jung Hoo Lee's biggest problem in center last season was on balls just like this. (It'll impress you more when it's not a 5-0 game, presumably.)

The Dodgers' magic number has moved to one.

Hitting against Logan Webb is simple. You just have to wait for the meatball down the middle.

yeah, that's kinda how i feel about the country right now, good job

the entire ballpark smells like a piccolo pete, i don't mind it

Judge gets huge boos after he's introduced (because of the arson)

first pitch in just a second, but before that ... The world is a dark place, but that doesn't mean you can't laugh at it: Taxi Driver: The Animated Series, coming to Netflix this May.

lots of different emotions inside the Netflix control room before opening day starts

Hearing the game might not start until I send a Butterfly Effect DVD from 2006 back to Netflix. I haven't heard anything official, and it's possible that the other writers are messing with me, but I'm going to go home and get it just in case, it'll take about an hour, I can't apologize enough.

wayne franklin about to pop out of that box and pitch to steve finley

Giants BP update: They just played Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal." There was no discernible effect in the distance of the batted balls, but that could be a problem with sample size.

this takes the same amount of time as a stir fry, but it's worse, all because taking care of yourself is gendered.

giants won the kris bryant trade

thinkin about baseball

Willy Adames hit 30 home runs, breaking the Barry Bonds home run curse. Heliot Ramos will start another Opening Day in left, breaking the Barry Bonds LF curse. One curse remains: No Giants player has had an on-base percentage over .600 since Bonds in 2004. Is this the year?

Heliot Ramos warming up in the outfield tomorrow

opening night tomorrow

"It was a wooden horse, bigger than anything anyone has ever seen. They're calling it the biggest wooden horse in the world, isn't that right? Somebody said that? They said it was the biggest and most expensive wooden horse in the world, but it's on wheels, so we can move it anywhere."

Curtains for Zoosha? K-smog and Batboy caught flipping a grunt. All this and more on baseball's opening night.

If anyone is looking for Criterion recommendations, allow me to suggest Lone Star and Matewan, two perfect movies.

Hey, I’m trying to eat lunch here.

The Las Vegas Desert Holes

One of my favorite stories to write each year:

orioles really gotta pick new colors, i'm writing a letter

This is all great advice, but I can add something to the part about tangents. Sometimes you get a chance to make a Milt May reference, and you have to take those, regardless of the fit.

love to wake up in my normal reality

i have made an error in my post and closed out the photopea file so i shan't be doing another one. i am quote tweeting myself only out of shame.

NL-only, 8 teams, standard 5x5. Do any teams catch your eye, for better or worse? That snot nose CBS AI summary hated my team, and I'm steaming mad about it.

wow

the jerseys are as beautiful as the opposite-field swing

you're mad. you're mad about the estimates to resod the back lawn. you're mad about immigrants. you're mad your short game has cratered. and you're mad that jack reacher and his sons are zooming around your street. so pop your pink collar into artichoke mode and go ham on him. do something about it.

I’m gonna write a 1996-era indie caper about three stoners who try to get him to ingest horse laxatives the morning before his visit

oh hell yeah i'm the third view, what do i get

“When my time comes That's how I wanna go Stoned and fat and wealthy And sitting on the bowl”