People are focusing on the fact that he’s becoming a Miyazaki villain with his face being held together by a fading magic spell, and that’s fine. But have you also considered the wettest ear you’ve ever seen?

People on here will tweet anything. 'Rob Manfred has an army of murderous goons.' No he doesn't. That isn’t true.

Lot of people posting about the television show Patriot on my timeline, and it's the first I'm hearing about it. That means the blame for it not getting renewed falls squarely on you, the poster. You didn't post hard enough.

i have so many questions, and so little interest in answering a single one of them

which generation let this slip out of regular usage, how dare they

The only good thing about having a president who has never read a book is that he might literally say "let them eat cake" without reservation.

That's right. It's already here. At this time of year. At this time of day. In this part of the country. Localized entirely within their kitchen. Next question?

Giants moves: RHP Mason Black designated for assignment LHP Reiver Sanmartin claimed off waivers from Reds OF Justin Dean claimed off waivers from Dodgers

With that kind of money, he can buy as many pixels as he wants, render himself just how he likes.

𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚘 𝚁𝚘𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚎𝚜 One day, the kings of Rockies Land were upset. They were fed up with all their losing! "We must change our ways," the kings said. "We must learn from the world around us. We must set forth to find a more successful team, and hope they will teach us their ways."

When you think of innovation and legacy of success, you think “Browns.” All across the country, everyone is asking what they have that others don’t. The Rockies just beat everyone there.

Me and @ericstephen.bsky.social are standing in the back, grousing about all the normies and their sandwich puns. This must be what it feels like for the year-round Coachella residents.

This is cannibalism

*man passes out* Onlooker: thank goodness! The person in charge of American healthcare is here! RFK Jr: first of all who here is circumcised?

If his name were Craig Stamwomen, he would have had to manage for 12 years in Triple-A, minimum.

He's been around for long enough that this shouldn't be the first thing I think of, but it's still the first thing I think of.

I am requesting US government support to help me keep up with all these box sets and limited editions and audiophile pressings that record labels coming out with these days, buddy let me tell you.

man, that would be so awesome, riding a camel from the Guggenheim back to the hotel

"I reached out to a White House spokesperson for comment. They said 'the pope doesn't know what he’s talking about.'" is such an incredible fourth panel for a Doonesbury strip

Listening to Dorothy Ashby, and I've decided that if I could insert one magic play-instrument chip into my head, it would be jazz harp. It would annoy teenagers/dogs, which is great, but also I could say things like "I play harp," then lower my sunglasses, and say "JAZZ harp."

I'm hearing that Andrew Cuomo and Dave Portnoy are going to share a one-bedroom, one-bath condo in Pensacola until they "figure something long-term out" and that they're considering splitting the cost of a porta potty in the parking lot for when they both have diarrhea at the same time (5-7x weekly)

They really don't easy to make it for Californians to vote for Mamdani even once, much less five times. Had to wait on hold for a half-hour with the Soros people.

One time I told George Foster that I had a George Foster trash can in my room growing up, and that it said "Up the middle, or just goodbye ..." and he finished "'...another Foster RBI!' Yeah, I remember those" and then we talked more about his trash can and I'm only now realizing how weird it was.

Sandwiches. Sandwiches never change.

Countersue for the value of the sandwich. He just left it there, wrapped? That's a perfectly good sandwich.

Slow Cooker Senate Bean Soup. It's a recipe that satisfies some of the most powerful freaks in the world. It's a recipe that can feed a house filled with college kids who can't afford to do laundry. I'm gonna make some tomorrow. cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1027...

This factlet slaps.

People ask me what I do when there’s no baseball. Well, I’ll tell you.

Man, if Kiké tries just a LITTLE HARDER to catch that ball in the ninth, the Blue Jays win.

Roki Sasaki is going to walk the bases loaded guaranteed. That doesn't mean the Blue Jays are going to score a run. Just telling you to prepare yourselves.

i'll bet there were a lot of Cubs pitchers with eight syllables in their name by the time Harry Caray got to the seventh inning.

I am going to eat Halloween candy continuously until this baseball game ends or Seth dies

[when the Blue Jays load the bases with no outs] The Dodgers have them right where they want them [when the Dodgers get two runners on with one out] The Dodgers have them right where they want them.

i lived an entire lifetime in this reality and it was beautiful, my grandkids were at my side at the end, then i blinked and it was gone, but i have no regrets

Shohei wouldn't have caught that

A wild-eyed Christopher Lloyd explaining that the only way to close the inter-dimensional wormhole from the Cubs winning the World Series is to play another World Series in the "null hour" when clocks are turned back.

we're going 19 this time, fuckos

oh god, mike trout is going to have to pitch to ohtani for the final out, isn't he

Trey Yesavage's standing ovation is bittersweet. He's living a dream in his rookie season, but one day people won't even believe he was in a World Series. "No, you weren't," they'll say. "You didn't play baseball, you are a writer" and "Why do you keep saying this, you're scaring the kids?" Trust me

Ernie Clement thinking about that postgame celebration like

Wow, I can't believe that Max Scherzer got a generous check swing call in a postseason elimination game, oh well

Dodgers pitchers have gotten to warm up so much that they're pitching in Game 8

do you think springer hit that comebacker on purpose

Both benches return to their respective dugouts, slightly annoyed, but no worse for wear. "Hey, where's Shohei?", the manager asks. Nobody responds. Five minutes later, Jack Ryan's phone rings. It's the President. Of Baseball.

DON'T APOLOGIZE, JOHN. DON'T LET THEM WIN.

"Dave, can you look into the camera and say, 'Game 7 on FOX, there's nothing like it!'"?

Me yelling at the umpires that because Ohtani was taken out as a pitcher he has to be taken out as a hitter too

Bo Bichette? Where?