"treat your men as your own beloved sons and they will follow you into the deepest valley" - sun tzu; the art of war "what is this faggot shit?! you're a warfighter, son! hit him! hit him!! drop and give me fifty, fat boy!" - pete hegseth; podcaster

Heywood Jaholdme

This is what I do when I think about the Confederacy's humiliation

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

Sorry I can't make it tonight my body is shutting down

Today has had a weird vibe

This is supposed to be ironic but I saw it and went “Yeah!”

Enchanted Scepters on the Mac had awful graphics but terrifying audio.

Quick and painless way to improve your Bluesky experience, courtesy of @joined-labeler.shatteredsky.net—hide posts from anyone who joined in Nov 2024.

To be clear i absolutely accept bribes stuffed into bags of potato chips

Imagine being this hot

yer mum performed a wellness check on me. she pulled open me drawers to check and said well well well.

i’m expecting to get tons of retweets with this in ten years

ME: well i gotta go guys OPTOMETRIST: see ya STORE OWNER: buy SHOPLIFTER: take it easy PROCRASTINATOR: later PORN STAR: so long

i decide how much i am going to tip by how gently the waitstaff wakes me when they bring my food

telling everyone i talk to that it's just a part of routine investigation

My wife caught me cheating at a 4 Non Blondes concert and when I got home she had a very poignant question for me that she screamed from the top of her lungs

hot dog

consulting the ancient oracles

We’re just normal men

If you’re overstimulated, please report to the Bluesky cooldown tent where we have orange slices and someone who doesn’t understand the concept of jokes waiting for you

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

This is the ideal protestant worship space. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

For every doll you deny me I will push another jet off an aircraft carrier

DENNIS

how it feels logging onto my little spreadsheet email job

i mean it's one five-minute task, michael. how long could it take to get started on it, ten days?

Bluesky needs dysentery, a thread: 1/8: Diarrhea is great!

RFK believes that he is one of the genetic elect and that it is a violation of the natural order to either impose on the genetic elect with public health OR prevent nature from taking its course with those who are predestined to biological damnation.

Does this sound like "Government Efficiency" to you? 🤔🤔

Hoooly shit

It’s one supply chain, Michael. How long could it take to recreate? 2-3 months?

eat shit nerd

i'm a diurnal creature. for the uninitiated, that means i'm likely to die in a urinal

Devil’s Advoc-Hat

i just want to be wealthy enough that i can call out “GUARDS!” and something will happen

humiliation HOF first ballot

Gen X, finally roused from its ideological torpor, gathers outside the White House. the police are called, the fire hoses are turned on them but they start drinking it and only get stronger

uh huh everyone wants a hot crazy girl until she hasn’t slept for 3 days and is rapid-fire texting you incoherent conspiracy theories about how jfk wasn’t shot, his head just did that

I’m going out on a limb and saying this Google AI Overview *might* be wrong. Can anyone confirm? cc: @misscocoperu.bsky.social, @searchliaison.bsky.social, @edzitron.com

49% of Troy was like "they tried to kill us yesterday" but 51 were chanting HORSE! HORSE! really loud

my walk up song is the sound of me falling down and yelling i'm ok

“When it’s over and before I go to bed, I will think of three more ways to work against 47” — me, indignant and shitting myself

Roses are red Our resolve hasn't faltered