I don't celebrate Halloween since the night dad was climbing down the chimney dressed as a sexy chimney sweep and slipped & broke his neck.

Why aren’t we doing something practical with dryer lint?

Happy No Kings Day!

“No Kings” demonstration, Ocean Beach, San Francisco

Stay classy, San Diego. #NoKings

Donald Trump does NOT want you to share this footage of his pathetically tiny birthday parade crowd.

I hope the war doesn't affect the military parade.

Three more pension cheques and I'll have my student loan paid off.

I'm nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

“OMG Dad, just Google it.”

All I'm saying is that the package for anti-diarrhea medicine should be easier to open.

I don't think it's a coincidence that cops started acting extra out of hand once we let them wear military gear. Make them wear clown outfits for several years to restore humility to the job

Hair stylist found a fucking tick in my hair today. 🤮 at least its not lice. 🤷🏼‍♀️

“At least it’s not lice.” My go-to response of silver-lining-sympathy for nearly every unfortunate situation.

There should be a universal sign for when you exit a public bathroom that says, "It was like this before I got here"

cats when you give them a bath

WIth everything else you kind of forget that the president of the united states is a crypto scammer

🎵HEAD LIKE A HOLE, BLACK AS YOUR SOUL🎵

These "Australians" almost have me believing the place is real.

:)

I'm only here to promote the absolute truth that JD Vance killed the Pope

Jesus - 1 / Pope - 0 #HeisRizzin

Every time I see a cybertruck in the wild it's like sorry I don't believe a real person bought one of these with their own money. These are paid actors

trump playing The Sims and smashing his keyboard because the game won't let your character kiss his own daughter

gross. tell me more and dont skimp on the details.

One of my favorite Bible quotes is "Jesus, that's a lot of mayonnaise."

I went to a Waffle House in Ohio and an 8 year old burnt me with his cigarette

In Portugal we are ordering Canadiano coffees and servers know exactly what we mean. 🇨🇦 ☕

fucked up that we can’t even afford to emotionally eat our way through this

no way i’m falling for this a third time

Almost done. ✌️ #crossstitch

I got laid off today, with the rest of 18F. 18F was an elite federal software shop. We made gov't websites work better, more efficiently for the American people. We saved taxpayers from getting screwed over by contractors. And were fired for it. We made this website to tell our story: 18f.org

If you worked for 18F and got fired, Group together to start a consulting company. It’s just a matter of time before DOGE needs you to fix the mess they inevitably create. They will have to hire your company as a contractor to fix it. But on your terms. I’m happy to invest and/or help

STEVE HARVEY: We asked 100 degenerates this horrific question

Happy Caturday ♥️🐾 **personal vendetta with charge cords 🤷🏼‍♀️

To figure out the size of a lie, measure the length of the explanation by the width of the excuse.

customer: your darkest roast please barista: whoever created man wasted a good asshole when they put teeth in your mouth

Cats will act as social workers for their own adoption cases. One day they just show up on your doorstep and are like, “You got a cat? No? OK, well you do now. What’s for lunch?”

🤦🏼‍♀️ Is this for real? Like, what fucking planet did I wake up on? This orange idiot is trying to turn the country into Divergent & Handmaid’s Tale!! #goldcard #lunatic #classes #richvspoor

*uses echolocation to find the clit*

Me: if I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving too much Judge: and indecent exposure Me: well yeah

What she said.

“I’ll have the number three Body of Christ with cheese, no onions, an order of Loaves and Fishes, and a Last Supper Unhappy Meal, please. Also, three medium Holy Waters, no ice.”

Greeneville Zoo magic begins in the parking lot with our World Class Pigeon Sanctuary.

If all that McDonalds and Ketamine could hurry it up a little bit, we'd be forever grateful.

DOGE is like if Fyre Festival was a government agency.