Watching The Handmaid's Tale for the first time. I just want to know what to expect in America the next couple years.

Still haunted by the donut hole I dropped, rolled under my car seat & got away.

I just added a new item to my Shop! ko-fi.com/s/5762f76603 I completely blanked and forgot to add a BUNDLED option. You can now head over and get ALL NINE of these Halloween themed bath bombs at a discounted bundled discount. Get 15% off when you purchase TOGETHER!

When I shuffle in like this I’m bout to raid your kitchen and eat all of your snacks

Want to know what will be the most common phrase going forward? “We didn’t think they’d do that”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Welcome to your 50's, here's a starter pack.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and a good friend who provides an alibi when I snap.

I can tell a lot about a woman by her ankles. If they’re on my shoulders I think she likes me.

I think someone blocked me bc I post a lot of puns. Toucan play that game.

I’m going to skeet-skeet all over this place tonight

Family vacations were just us standing in a parking lot eating ketchup packets. ‘Imagine it’s France,’ Dad mumbled, crying into a napkin.

Gnags - a band from my childhood. But this is the oldest album I have heard so far (from '78). The sound is very different compared to the stuff I remember from the mid to late 80's. The band formed in '66, and is still active :)

we need a starter pack but instead of accounts it contains little cakes that you can nibble on while you're reposting

a lane on the freeway only for people who need to pee really bad

Who up too tired to go to sleep

If I make mistakes in my skeets please know it’s because I’ve got this guy just staring at me, unblinking, for hours on end and sometimes I crack under the pressure.

Woke up to no running water and why doesn’t this shit ever happen on like a Tuesday

In 50 years no one will believe the reason there are so many second floor entry doors in MI was the snow would often get 8 feet deep.

Rob Halford at 74 singing Painkiller rather effortlessly after one hour of (great) singing is pretty damn impressive

Welcome to my post! Here are some refreshments!

Guy who’s excited about mcdonalds monopoly

"One lunatic ticket, please... AND IT'S FREE BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

“I fucked up, what can I say…”

The AI bubble is 17 times the size of the dot-com bubble? Pop it, pop it, pop pop pop. Pop it, pop it, pop pop pop! POP IT, POP IT, POP POP POP POP IT, POP IT, POP POP POP!!! ***POPITPOPITPOPPOPPOP***

Hello my lovely friends. 👋🏻☕️🌞 Happy Saturday! I hope you all have a beautiful day! 💛

My firecracker head and heart Danced rhythmically with you Pattern miming shapes that flew A discovery joyful Shining life below life Then I loved like a vore us Spiral v patterned time Rewiring rot into endless eights Stealing slow wave lengths Looting basement bits Cage my mind Stop my spread End.

As a lifelong fan, I am very excited for the Maryland Terrapins american football team to best the devious and amoral opponents they are facing today in my deepest of passions, us college american football

How dare you ignore my banger of a skeet from eight months ago!

🤣😂😂🤣 🤣😂😂🤣 🤣😂😂🤣 🤣😂😂🤣 🤣😂😂🤣 🤣😂😂🤣 👇🤭

Just said ‘good morning’ to someone wearing headphones and that wasn’t looking at me, if you’re wondering who is an early candidate for today’s Darwin Award.

Daisy's song recommendation for the day: Slayer's Raining Blood youtu.be/CkaE237oiwE?...

Putting a folding chair in our bathroom while my wife gets ready for bed is my strip club.

Gumby, reading ‘Lady Chatterly’s Lover’

The monster mash but it’s just sex between two average looking people.

This slippery slope could use some lube

I’d do some sketchy shit for another 8 hours of sleep. *pours second cup of coffee* Morning.

I DARE YOU!!! 🎃👊

New dog out on a walk with my wife the other day. Kid is walking it. She goes “hi, who is this?” very cutely. And the kid dead ass said “this is my new dog”

i mixed up PSL and YSL. got the Mrs a pumpkin saint laurent and a yves spice latte

List 10 horror movies so we can get to know you better. (In no order) 1. High Tension/Haute Tension 2. Halloween 3. Rosemary's Baby 4. Near Dark 5. The Thing 6. Alien 8. Mandy 9. Talk to Me 10. Get Out

I love the whole Reanimator series. Even the last one was just *chefs kiss*

List 10 horror movies so we can get to know you better 💀👻🎃 IN ORDER!!! 1. Evil Dead 2 2. The Thing 3. Return Of The Living Dead 4. Reanimator 5. The Devil's Rejects 6. The Shining 7. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 8. 28 Days Later 9. Terrifier 2 10. Halloween

When your boss takes you to HR & tells you that you're fired

What’s the difference between me and eggs? Eggs get laid.

Ah yes... fall. That special time of the year when the leaves start to turn colors, the weather starts to get a little cooler & the air a little dryer causing the eczema on my balls to start itching like crazy. 😫

Basically my shift starts like 30 minutes ago but I’m at the store looking at Halloween decorations

I got kicked out of the mall for reciting my favorite Bluesky shitposts