*joins Tinder* Oh dear god wtf. *deletes Tinder*

Change one letter ruin a candy Four Warheads

Change one letter. Ruin a candy. Junior Lints

Change one letter. RUin a candy. SARS bar

Change one letter. Ruin a candy. Reese's fieces

If you see this, quote with a robot that isn't from "Star Wars", "Star Trek", "Doctor Who", or "Transformers".

Woke up with no power, it's the universe's way of telling me I never had any because I'm only a mortal being

Woke up with no power, it's the universe's way of telling me I'm broke again. 😩

Saturday!

I don't know you seem nice enough but your face just pisses the fuck out of me.

Cable and wifi are out and I'm going through old vhs tapes to pop in and I found an E! True Hollywood Story I taped in 1995 about Sid and Marty Krofft complete with commercials and holy fuck can we go back to '95 please

This is where I post from

how it started        how it's going

Some of you don't know how to spot a catfish and it shows.

Since the government shut down a month ago I've made $1800 buying beer for teenagers and keeping the change

You better homecheck yourself before you homewreck yourself.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts a brake line

The pancakes just told me I have nice eyes and the eggs asked if I’d lost weight. It was a complimentary breakfast.

We've been together for a quarter century and have two children together, please respond.

The Girl With the Stick-On Tattoo

The problem with this country is the lines to buy a lottery ticket are longer than the lines to vote.

have you soaked in epsom salts about it?

I wish my mind was dishwasher safe.

I'm kind of like if oops wrong hole was a person

One day in the past someone said "I love beer. Oh, but I also really love cheese." And then the greatest invention of all time happened. It's really that easy, kids.

No no..I’ll be okay I have my disappointment cheese

Ooo America you in trouble girl

People don't hack into TV networks and forcibly broadcast the truth as much as I thought they would when I was small

If I wake up at 4 AM and my wife sleeps until 10 AM, that's microdosing divorce.

*lips on mic* me, a Mike: Get your fuckin lips off me.

Now would be a good time to deep dive into the lore canon of Fraggle Rock.

Sorry I had to mute you but I don't like looking at your face nearly as much as you clearly do

I provide a free streaming service with no ads where It's just me making sure all my pee gets into the toilet.

Hey look, it's me and my beautiful bride at a cute low key midwestern farm wedding 😎

There’s absolutely no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time

Another day, another “what the fuck am I doing?”

Life... completely unfulfilling

It’s okay to cry when your cheese slips off the cracker.

Stuff me with your pimento like the queen olive I am.

We’re all just a bunch of broken Doritos at the bottom of the bag.

Yeah that's right. I put on 40 lbs. I'm just getting myself ready for Thanksgiving dinner.... thanks for noticing. 😒

it’s november so me carrying around all of these turkey legs finally doesn’t look weird

bsky already has a dislike feature and that’s them not liking the post or calling us a bitch in our mentions

Everybody thinks they want a weird girl until she starts doing weird girl shit

them: any big plans for tonight? me: I'm reorganizing my VHS collection in chronological order from alphabetical order.

I grew up in such a tiny town you couldn't find it on any map or with GPS.

Your Mom and I do the Tush Push…but it has nothing to do with football.

Can’t spell Halloween without Ho and ween

Just told a joke on a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed. Apparently I’m not remotely funny.

Have your common sense call my common sense