TIRED: foreskin WIRED: aftskin

Phantom of the outback steakhouse

Come on down to Grandpa's Wet Sandwich Hut Menu: Wet Sandwich™ - wonder bread, ketchup, salsa, Velveeta. Expertly microwaved for exactly 12 seconds.

It goes like this the 4th not 5th, and Jaws is on, your spirits lift, but you never found that anchor suit now did ya

Hawk tuah spit on that king - George Washington

Loving all the content on here for National Tubed Meat Day

Hello! My two of my ‘00s electro rap group’s albums have mysteriously (I think my bandmate just did it without telling me and I’m fine with that) have appeared on Bandcamp! Check the link if you want to see and hear what I was like in 2006 bigdigits.bandcamp.com/album/smoke-...

If you're not swallowing 250 hotdogs whole today, you're not a real patriot

Your order is important to us. We've branded the details onto the backs of our eyelids so we will never forget them. We will fill this one final order and then we will cease operations. Your name and address will be the last things on our lips before we die. Goodbye my friend, The Customer. Goodbye.

Contract killer also willing to assassinate leases, deeds, wills, and handshake agreements.

Move that spider cake off the table, baby. We shall sup on each other this night.

A boy does not become a man until his sneezes reach a minimum of 140 decibels

I wish we all went to the same school.

And what is this invention?” “This sir is a megaphone, from the Greek for great voice. As you might surmise, its role is to make the voice louder.” “Astonishing. And this?” “This sir is a microphone, from the Greek for tiny voice. Its role is to

Just think, somewhere out there, right now, is a man you haven't yet met, steadily traveling toward you on the road of fate, who thinks wiping is gay

Do Not Go Gentle Into Those Good Vibrations

Brazil, who hurt you?

VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE that my band has a new song about the time that Jimmy Stewart and his wife were convinced to smuggle a suspected Yeti hand out of India, hiding it in his wife's underwear which he figured the customs agents would leave inviolate.

Saw your man burst into a thousand breadcrumbs down by the pond and trigger a feeding frenzy amongst the ducks

The only upside of the EPA being gutted under this administration is you can now bust as many ghosts as you like.

Over in the Wawa Where the slim jims be Lived a tianeptine shot And his dick pills three Dive said the shot We dive said the three And they dove down the gullet Of the cabinet appointee

“Two scoops of raisins” feels like a threat.

Stop holding the lapel mic in your hand. Clip it to your garment like an adult. I beg of you.

(•_•) <) )╯Publique fundinge / \ \(•_•) ( (> for the artes and humanityes / \ (•_•) <) )> doth benefit everyone! / \

Trying to get my house haunted because ghosts are cold and A/C is expensive.

I'll have the Americano bubble tea please: sun-warmed raw milk and frog eggs

Wife: you're doing it wrong Financial adviser: you're spending too much Dentist: you're brushing wrong Fitness app: you're walking too slow ChatGPT: your idea for self-eating pancakes is PURE GENIUS and will change life as we know it for EVER

My grandpa still has my nose

Thirty Days to a Flat Stomacke - Jeffrey Chaucer, 1387

Be the change you want to get back from the world.

Weekends need to be at least 5 days. One day to do nothing, two days for running around having fun and/or errands, one for returning to your supernatural horrific form to wreak havoc on the village, and the 5th day for nothing again.

I smell like death..flirting

A romantic dinner. Candlelight. I get down on one knee. The words "Will you marry me?" are shaved into my back hair.

the shoelace is the necklace of the shoe

1570 swordfighting manual. Step 3: Bust open thine doublet to reveal the shockingly befurred gut of an unholy care bear

Now trending in Health: Raw Elk. Right from a shallow grave in the forest to you.

i dare you to say that shit again, your honor

Join our cult! Our weeks have 8 whole days! Between Wed and Thurs is Wienerday. This is our holy day. Hotdogs all day long! We eat them in public and make very loud yum-yum sounds. Government offices, airport security, the DMV... these are the temples we bless with our munching and moaning!

What do you mean it's not butter? What the fuck are you feeding me?? Is this why I'm like this 😱

writing a screenplay and foreshadowing a character's death by having their posts flop

This is my son, Glans. He would make a fine husband for your daughter. He's a very sensitive man and has smooth, dewy skin.

Do you ever never forever until the next time?

damn dude, you must be a year 2000 florida ballot cuz you're a hung chad

You help a friendly man with a cast on his arm load an armchair into a rusted cargo van. As a reward, he gifts you one of three magical items. Which do you choose? • Business cards that kill on command • A pet black hole loyal to only you • A watch that makes you immune to interruption

Back then it was loud car neighbors who beat the shit outta me, and now it's silent car neighbors shitting the beats outta me so yes, my road trip jam is flinchtronica

Sneak peek of our upcoming second issue! BOG FANCY vol 2 out soon!

Max Ernst Goes to Camp

gas station cashier told me what we do in this life echo for 2 to 3 weeks