the suspiciously birdlike homie: talk shit about dinosaurs one more time.

At literally no point in this headline was it possible to predict the next word, 10/10 work

Well, that's disappointing! It doesn't taste sweet at all! Don't bother eating this so-called "frosted" glass.

Just hanging out at the back of the used bookstore reading aloud from a Partridge Family novelization in the style of William S. Burroughs.

I feel like maybe I could grow quills to ward off strangers if I wished hard enough.

New hire meet 'n' greet with the boss. Going around the room, gotta name your fav band. The 3 guys in front of me say Backstreet Boys It's my turn. HR gives me a pleading look and mouths the word 'don't' NSYNC, I say, and the boss is instantly in my face, screaming. "Am I sexual??" He dies of rage

Once the two nations lived in harmony

THIS COLD DARK RECTANGLE OF SAD AND GLASS IS NOT GIVING ME THE SUPPORT AND COMFORT I REQUIRE.

sit down heir of the chipotle fortune

crazy loop hole, did y’all know in every single state animals don’t need a permit to carry a gun??

if the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie you may be entitled to compensation

honestly drafts is too little too late. ive already evolved to post on here with no regard for post subject matter or quality

Do you read every single word of every skeet or are you like me, a power user who only reads every ninth vowel to save time so I can repost up to 250k times every day save time save energy save the world god bless and we can do this together we are just as good as machines my mom says I'm strong

Once again thinking about columbo villains dot com, the only website where you can buy throw pillows and t-shirt dresses with the pictures and last words of the villain from every episode of Columbo

How does all that oil get up to Santa so he can make plastic

The garbage has elected a new pope and it's Kid Rock!

For the rest of the day I will reply with jazz hands because words aren't helping and who doesn't like jazz hands?

famously uncut fries

When I go to the dentist I show them a picture of a radio announcer calling a baseball game from the 1930’s and say I want teeth just like that

Do you have a favorite Disney line or lyric that you use in your daily life? For example, I like to say 'bibbidi-bobbidi-boo' upon the successful insertion of my diva cup

smdh (shaking my damn heiney)

Dogs talk about you behind your back

fuck off. you’re not my real dad!!!

Unconditional love is the regret of every peanut abandoned on the honkey-tonk floor

Winnipeg, The Home of Milk!

Wind chimes like awkward singing for the gathering of pendulums, which is called a murder of the earth's rotation the musical

(Woody Allen eating a Da Bomb wing on Hot Ones) WOODY: Boy, that's like dating your first Gentile girl, there's a real sting to it. Wowee, that's hotter than a New York cab in August. Havin' flop sweat like after the Curse of the Jade Scorpion premiere. SEAN: Was it weird marrying your daughter?

saying 'hotspot' in a French accent is one of the sexiest things u can do

Turns out D&D mini golf is incredibly soothing. The equivalent of two Klonopin or a hug from one spellcaster. Our DM was amazing and wore a bath/wizard robe gifted to him by M. Night Shyamalan. 10/10. If you're in Providence, go! www.thedustyplanet.com

I accidentally crushed the entire smurf village. In my defense, I wasn't looking where I was going.

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

Why don’t any of the figure skaters use Herbie Hancock tunes? Break free from your paradigm, my sisters and brothers

Kohl's hard cash

If I am elected we will destigmatize eating a really good-smelling chapstick

I think my dog’s a math wiz. I asked her what ten minus ten is and she said nothing.

fun fact: bill gates named microsoft after his dick

can’t even take your shirt off on your way to the shitter anymore without getting called into some bullshit hr meeting

Well ain't you the end cap of a pet food aisle? Snausages all the way up! (complimentary)

Louisville Hugger

I tried out a coworker's claude acount and it's just an apocalypse praise machine that tells you you're mommy's handsomest boy

I was supposed to grow up to be a ninja turtle

Fix-a-flat but it's just me trying to fill this void.

When I was a kid, we played REAL GAMES like BONE BEAM where you put rocks inside mud balls and threw them at eacother's heads. Winner drew FIRST BLOOD

My skeets are mostly b-sides.

Reading Peter Pan never gets old.

there were two wolves inside of me and now they’re outside of me and they won’t stop asking for snacks

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

Every action movie has an equal and opposite reaction movie

Excuse me I was told when I wake I shall have all the pretty little horses and I presently have zero horses