Lie down on the grass and I'll cover you up with a patchwork quilt of pink and purple phlox

by the year 2036 we will have 14 factor authentication

baby, wanna mingle our breeding juices in this pond?

my favorite of the Jellicle cats was always Tickletaint, the crime scene secretor cat

new LinkedIn profile option lets potential business connections know that you're a secretor

one time i was swimming in the ocean when suddenly a group of dolphins appeared & started swimming all around me, so i swam with my new friends & we played & played & played but what i didn’t realize was they were trying to warn me that my student loans were overdue.

What if there is statistically an ur-take, the grandfather irrelevant bad take from which all others descend. What if each irrelevant bad take is but a facet of a deeper, even more irrelevant and worse take.

when your child asks you to turn the music down at morning drop off bc it’s embarrassing them what they really mean is, roll down all the windows and crank that shit

You took down your flags and signs, but everyone remembers what you did. Your front door has been marked with a Cool S. You won't notice it, but Grimace will. On the next new moon, when he wanders the earth seeking purple tribute, he will visit you while you slumber and accept your offering.

Mighty generous of the pigeons, letting us live and flourish in their elaborate, carefully constructed toilets.

Adding a hungry jungle cat to a light jog can really add motivation to the workout.

Radioactive slag is not just a British insult.

I've used m-dashes in my work for years and years. I've also liberally used metaphors and similes. And I will continue to do so. I'm not going to let AI decide what I write, any more than I would ask a drunk squirrel what to say. And that would probably provide a more interesting opinion to be fair.

I'm not purring because you're near it's an uncontrollable self-soothing reaction to a dark cloud above you, it looks like a jackhammer. Oh I'm not purring at all we are vibing to the center of the earth

Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself in your dog voice

what do you know about worms, worm farmers, and the underground?

I can't believe my brother is refusing to wear his conference t-shirt

This is where my mom thinks I work

I shared this in a bunch of other places already, but my best friend Michelle's husband Ben was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago. They both work in film and have to cut way back on work so he can get treatment. Maybe you can donate, too. www.gofundme.com/f/bucket-ben...

*modestly* I invented the word "depressimist" [flirting]

don't these evangelicals know that armegeddon isn't cool? The only thing it does it bring about the return of Rumpus Cat

Ladies love when you refer to your computer as "my rig"

Dear Liza, there's a hole in the bucket. Dear Henry, you leave that be. Walk away. Put it from your mind. You do not want to know.

There's a right and left vagina and also a secret vagina. That is why a big box of tampons has ones labeled R,L, and S.

distressed jeans worried shorts anxious tank top panicked girdle

They should make sparkling Pepto

*losing temper* grass is green everywhere and all places have pretty girls, I am NOT taking you down to paradise city

Reaching to point out your third eye, getting closer and closer until it opens and surprised to find that it is not just another all seeing ocular orb but rather a second mouth full of sharp teeth. Taking advantage of my astonishment, it chomps my finger. I never point out anything again. I can't.

Feelings, like glands, need to be expressed every now and again, or someday you will find yourself in a crowded carpeted room, dragging your sad across the floor just to experience some kind of relief.

I can't be the only one who involuntarily turns into a robot when forced to speak on the phone to an AI agent. AI lady chatting away, groovin' that vocal fry and I sound like a Speak & Spell

First date idea: open the fuckin’ strait and chill

It's not too late for any single American soldier to lay down their arms and refuse to commit mass murder in a tyrant's name.

you should be doing everying in your power to be nude right now

furiously thumbing through my 4th grade civics book to the "checks and balances" section and muttering to myself "lies. all lies"

Posting in a way that gets a visit from the secret service so I can personally ask them to do what they gotta to prevent a nuclear war

"Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men!" I declare as I use my Herodotus smart toilet. The activation phrase for a pulsating jet is "Force has no place where there is need of skill!"

Hold up, let me sit down in my after 7pm chair

Went to church with my parents this morning and found this title in the hymnal and it made me chuckle.

The unsettling intimacy of reading and being read.

Sometimes I watch the way my chest hair sways to and fro before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw whilst looking out over the moors

The sheer scale of wealth that buffers billionaires is hard to visualize. Their perspective is literally inhuman, their lives totally divorced from the average person's. It's impossible for them to not be absolute monsters.

I can speak a second language, but only the creatures of the marshes and woodland can understand my German. Does that still count?

Times are tough. Tough I’m tellin ya. I heard Baba Yaga had to start running a self storage. A self storage ladies and gentlemen!!!

The volume of your neighbours' music is inversely proportional to its quality

after 40 years DIE EIERMALMASCHINE still goes hard af

yr gurl gave me many fine children an a happy home

English is my only language, but I’m trying to quit.

Spiders are so disrespectful with their lil booty crotchet

Springs are in the air and it's probably a death machine but one item in your cart is on sale, the Slinky Phoenix. If you like those odds just say "I like those odds"