I'm deeply in love with all of your cats. I'm sorry

Frothing at the mouth, the rabid wild latte stalks her prey.

You can't spell SURVIVES THE HOLIDAYS without SSRIs

A boutique hotel where they leave comments on your pillow

Perhaps it is not me you seek, dear colleagues, first thing in the Monday morning chat, but the sweet release of death you unwittingly crave.

When you have to use a public ouija and the beyond before you wasn't great and you don't want the next beyond thinking it was you so you unpiss on every grave

L'eggs coming packaged in a plastic egg make me dream of meeting the mother of pantyhose lying like Echidna under the earth

LITTLE LAMB: do you hear what i hear SHEPHERD BOY: holy shit a talking lamb

Please do not describe things that escape your body in terms of coffee. Do not pollute the atmosphere of my cubicle area and then exclaim that you are brewing a dark roast.

Dev bro at work silently lurking near my cubicle quad. Making an aggressive, fluttery gesture with his left hand. Softly grunting with the effort. No one says anything. Finally: Dev bro: Know what I'm doing? Cubicle bro: Is it knife work? Dev bro: Yeah

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

What if we made a movie where EVERYONE wore a leather duster, not just the lead? Holy shit kid, you're a genius! We never need to write a script again!

Can your environment tell you what it all means. We took it experimental devices further and went under the environment, where the real unreal is. Hello, come get us, listen for broken down science bored of finding love and not a one night math

twilight: neoliberal applejack: conservative rarity: fascist pinkie pie: collaborationist rainbow dash: leninist fluttershy: anarchist

Need a last minute gift? www.sendclown.com

I miss the bots that made me think I was more popular than I am

Watched Home Alone: Kevin's A Little Shit Now watching Home Alone 2: Kevin's Psychopathy Grows

Take your flawless manicures and gtfo. Some of us have to retrieve Barbie's stilettos from the garbage disposal

Babe, your light, it's shining so bright out of all your cracks.

Alexa which toxic male influencer is getting the shit kicked out of him today

Can we have just a teensy-weensy bit of comeuppance for the parasite class this Christmas? It would be so jolly 🎅

The redacting will continue until pterodactyls can freely roam the skies once more!

I believe in karma. I'm not sure I believe in reincarnation. But you would have had to be one hell of a bad person if you were reincarnated as a creature that gets its food by pounding its face against a tree

There were ten dwarfs, but Cranky, Stanky, and Wanky split because Doc was obsessed with reductive nicknames

My car is decorated for Christmas based on all the dashboard lights that are on.

Bringing Rice Krispie treats to the Solstice Blood Sacrifice tomorrow

The one thing I've kept from my time living among the British was 'lovely jubbly'. I say it to myself in a Cilla Black voice as a treat.

It’s so funny that all these people are having to call their memoirs elegies and cantos because a cartoon mouse got to American Tale first

He longed to nip at the silken flesh of her swan-like neck, to tap it with his uvula: .. / .-.. .. -.- . / - ..- .-. - .-.. . ...

The subtle art of looking nonchalant while listening to an intense sex scene from an audio book via earbuds while in public.

VINCE GUARALDI SAYS FUCK YOUR ROOT NOTES

Cross stitch accent pillow for the thoughtfully decorated bed: "they feed off of what seeps out of me"

I'll air quote your "name" in a argument to show I'm winning.

Drink ye from the poaster's cup, the bitter tang of the heart unbooped

solidarity with trans people and death to fascism

Boy, they sure thought long and hard about the name seafood

OrcusMart proud to introduce: Rain Salad Sandwich « All the delish of rain salad, Now in convenient sandwich!! »

Cis people really have no idea how it feels to watch a regime hold a press conference to admit, on camera, the pogrom against trans people they've been waging for 11 months is not only real, but they're going to double down on genocide and try to wipe out all the children first.

Carbs didn't have a complex until people gave them one

Hey! These bones need to be bone-dry. These bones are WET. These bones are soaked to the bone. My bones can feel it in their bones.

Shrouding myself in the commonplace, uploading the pdf of instructions, being asked if I'm having a mystery

Asking you to help find my lost patience, luring you down to my kill shack by the river.

The original pre-deuce lyrics: Blinded by the light of a pale thigh / Split into rainbows by passion's dispersive prism"

Vermont news be like, "This locally owned hardware store is awesome."

That one uncle you know only attends christmas dinner to try to locate and equip nannas lost amulet of power

where in the world is carmen’s sandy ego

How The Grinch Filled a Dedicated Water Cup with Sprite

i’m doing a piss-rich job because i stay hydrated

The world's heaviest parrot is also the world's most weighingest parrot

The HARDEST thing that nobody tells you about being a parent is the diabolical rhyme schemes: 🎶If you have to go potty / stop and go right away / Flush and wash / and be on your way 🎶 Rhyming 'away' with 'way'? In front of children? Pure depravity.