‎DATE: i think we should take this slow ME: *emptying the cash register* but they might catch us

when bluesky doesn’t like my posts

mamas don't let ur babies grow up to fuck robots

Hey beasties, I know some of y’all write poetry and @donkee.bsky.social has convinced me to co-host a weekly poetry call with him. He needs poets AND judges, and there will be cash money prizes/charitable donations for the winners! You got until Saturday morning to write something or get judgey.

Hollerin when you ain't been hit just means you been doin somethin worth gettin snatched up over

Gonna spend the day at the dump watching the seagulls try to fuck the raccoons.

how dare it be morning

as a lover of mother nature i refuse to use ai

60 days to go! youtube.com/shorts/S82pC...

I’m about 87% sure I could have gotten the number of that cute blond on the train on Saturday night.

Sunday morning #CoffeeAndVinyl. “A Trip the the Moon” Ghost Funk Orchestra

*me meeting a dairy cow* "I'm a big fan of your work."

They say the worst thing you can be is cruel, but I think the worst thing you can be is sticky

hey. hey you.

Ol’ Mr. ESPN must be rolling over in his grave to see the network that bears his name covering WWE as though it’s a real sport.

Pinocchio frantically putting his strings back on after seeing how much it costs to be a real boy.

Washington, D.C. I am in you.

RIP Sisyphus you would have loved Chumbawamba

Baby’s First™️ unprovoked online threat of violence from an unhinged anonymous MAGA.

Ran into an old friend from grade school last week.

There was a wonderful interlude of about six months in which I had completely forgotten that this walking, talking second-hand embarrassment machine existed.

Heck yeah I like UFOs U nlimited F rench O nion s oup

If you load up the proper carbohydrates, lipids, hydrocarbons, ethanol, and simple sugars; the brain will enter a sort of stasis for 6-8 hours. And it’s pretty nice, if I’m honest.

Live, Laugh, Lift my curse

Work was dumb but only moldy so. Gonna take a nap anyway.

Looking for love in all the wrong places. (Construction site portapotties)

Sunday morning #CoffeeAndVinyl. “I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy (part 2)” -Teddy Swims #VinylSkies #NowSpinning #NowPlaying

On a first date: “I’m going to recite my wedding vows in the same voice I use to talk to my dog.”

Happy May Day, comrades

Everything is so stupid and it makes me a little furious Thank you for your attention to this matter

Frederick Trump… immigrant Elizabeth Trump… immigrant Fred Trump … anchor baby Mary Anne Trump… immigrant Donald Trump… anchor baby Ivana Trump… immigrant Donald Trump Jr…. anchor baby Eric Trump… anchor baby Ivanka Trump… anchor baby Melania Trump…immigrant Baron Trump… anchor baby

I get you, Internet service. I’m slow and unreliable today as well.

Because of course he did. Trump is a folk hero to the dipshits of America because he is a living retribution against a world they deem unfair for not rewarding their laziness and willful mediocrity. They need an excuse for not succeeding in life, but in lieu of that, they'll accept mockery.

This is coming from a place of warmth and acceptance… -It’s ‘sleight of hand’ -It’s ‘bated breath’ -It’s ‘lo and behold’ -It’s ‘one fell swoop’ -It’s ‘brass tacks’ -It’s ‘free rein’

ever since i was a child i knew i just needed five more minutes

if you pee in the matrix, you pee in real life

If this gets 100 likes I’ll eat the entire pint of ice cream.

if gooses are geese gregs are grog

thinking of getting into Korean skincare (taking good care of your skin while throwing your corrupt president in jail)

Many thought it would be desirable to live in a fairy tale world. But I for one really don’t enjoy this ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ and ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’ mashup.

Sunday morning #CoffeeAndVinyl. “I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy (part 1)” -Teddy Swims #NowSpinning #NowPlaying #VinylSkies

The 4-5 day period it’s going to take to get my sleep schedule back to “normal human” is going to be ROUGH!

I put my pants on like everyone else…with deep regret accompanied by sad trombone

I sculpted my pile of mashed potatoes into a very realistic representation of your nude body please respond

Ready for a womanifesto.

I’ll never remember all that. Just text it to me.