President Whitmore’s campaign manager is the best in the business.

We have no confirmation whether President Whitmore has attempted to make communication, though a source tells us that he IS in possession of tortillas.

This is 90% of the way to the annual announcement of Mayor Berry’s visit to Colombia. Just a few shenanigans up on the Cape from really hitting home with this one.

In a statement from the White House press room, President Whitmore debunks former Defense Secretary Al Nimziki’s alleged plans to… *checks notes* …build a nuclear reactor… *checks notes again* …on the moon.

The President can neither confirm nor deny that Marshall transfer WR Randy Moss escaped containment from the alien army two weeks ago.

Only America has ever had any success in operations outside of this atmosphere. And after today, we remain undefeated.

P.S. Apologies to Adam Crowley at 93.7 The Fan in Pittsburgh. Didn’t mean for you to drain the bank account in a panic during the break Wednesday morning. #GoBuccos

It's been a super fun seven years, and it gets better every single time out. Hope we're all together again in 2026. See y'all later! Happy #IndependenceDay! #ID4

Thanks to EVERYONE following and playing along. New followers & the OG’s. This doesn't happen without you, reskeets, comments, word of mouth. The comments and reactions from y’all are what makes this whole thing fun. And worth it. Otherwise, it’s just scripted tweets.

And as the good Reverend would say, "Why we're on this particular mission, we'll never know. But I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again."

As always, pour a few out for the incomparable Robert Loggia and the always underrated James Rebhorn. Masters of their craft. Made everything they touched better. Absolute legends. Those guys weren’t bad. They weren’t too bad at all.

Biggest ups to Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin for the awesome source material. These shenanigans, malarkey, and tomfoolery obviously doesn’t happen without them. The writing, the characters, the whole thing - it’s PERFECT for this medium.

As always, hat tip to @WendyPrater.bsky.social for giving me this concept. She had no idea what she was getting into 17 yrs ago! Hey, go book a cruise vacation with her and ask her about the WHITMORE SPECIAL for discounts on your next deposit!

The guy handling the tweet to tweet content is @mdwdfw.bsky.social and as a North Carolina kid, I take SERIOUS issue with Hiller’s use of the word “barbecue” - the word I’m looking for is “cookout.” It's a cookout, dammit. #GoHeels. Go Canes. #RaiseUp

[play dramatic score] [audience cheers] [fireworks] [ballyhoo] [open sodas] [streamers and kazoos] [toss beers] [crack beers] [drink beers] [pop champagne] [all that stuff] *ROLL CREDITS*

Today, we heed the words of President Thomas Whitmore, and we celebrate.

This is a testament to American ingenuity & the U.S. military, who at only 15% capacity, took out the greatest threat civilization has ever seen in approximately 36 hrs. This is Yorktown, D-Day, Iwo Jima, and Macho Grande all wrapped into one.

Who knows what sort of health risks the future brings? Perhaps the aliens brought a virus strain that will activate in 24 yrs? Or maybe one of the aliens will hang around and mutate into our future Director of Health & Human Services. But what are the odds of any of that?

Millions of people were murdered by this invading ARMADA and countless more were injured and incapacitated. The events of the past two days constitute the greatest mass death event since the Black Plague, which lasted 7-8 years - not 48 hours.

Second is absolutely that this account was able to provide thrilling updates and analysis for a SEVENTH straight yr, complete with a Twitter/Bluesky SIMULCAST! Considering the autopilot went out on the scheduler at 10am today, we had to manually land the plane. Good thing it didn’t happen overnight.

Humanity has been saved! The events of the past 48 hours will be taught, discussed, researched, and celebrated for thousands of years. It is the single greatest achievement in the history of mankind and I'm not sure what's third, because...

We are getting numerous reports across North America of a massive meteor shower all over the sky. The mothership in orbit was obliterated and these are the pieces of the ship colorfully burning up in the Earth's atmosphere. Talk about #IndependenceDay fireworks!

Call em heroes, call em saviors, call em patriots. Whatever you call em, call em badasses. Because these are two Badasses. Capital B, son.

UNBELIEVABLE: The rescue party has found Captain Hiller and David Levinson in the desert, unharmed, having ejected from their spacecraft safely. Each are proudly strutting along the sand smoking cigars.

We understand that Dubrow and Hiller were married last night at Area 51 in a private ceremony. Congratulations to the newlyweds, especially since, ya know, they didn’t get microwaved this morning. Also: keep her name out your mouth.

Also in the party headed to meet Hiller and Levinson is a woman named Jasmine Dubrow. Dubrow, a dancer from Los Angeles, has been credited with saving the lives of at least a half dozen victims in L.A. & was the driver of the truck that found First Lady Whitmore in the LA rubble.

President Whitmore, General Grey, and Communications Director Spano are among the party en route to meet who we presume to be Hiller and Levinson... if they survived re-entry.

President Whitmore and others are presuming that the unidentified crash is the spacecraft flown by Hiller and Levinson. General Grey is gathering a party to drive thru the desert to the site for investigation.

A report from @podkatt.bsky.social says that radar has picked up an unidentified downed aircraft roughly 15 miles away from Hiller and Levinson's designated landing site.

Reunion. Elation. Victory.

We have confirmation of other alien spacecrafts being destroyed over Cairo, Sydney, and other major metro areas across Europe and Asia. What would the world have done without the technological brilliance of the good ol' Red, White, and Blue?? #Merica

Our boys on the ground are good, but we also have a couple of heroes in low orbit, and the Area 51 command center lost contact with Hiller and Levinson over 20 minutes ago.

President Whitmore and other surviving U.S. pilots involved in this morning's battle in the desert have landed safely at Area 51.

President Whitmore and other surviving U.S. pilots involved in this morning's battle in the desert have landed safely at Area 51.

Mr. Casse had told friends that he had been abducted by aliens over ten years ago, but nobody believed him. Today, he is a hero to humanity. Russell Casse is survived by his three children, Miguel, Alicia, and Troy. They can certainly be proud of their father.

A source close to Major Mitchell has informed us that the selfless pilot who flew into the alien spacecraft was Russell Casse, the same man who was arrested two days ago for public intoxication & illegal distribution of literature via his crop duster plane near Imperial Valley.

General Grey has ordered the immediate communication of the American tactical strategy that downed the alien craft. These communications are being conducted via Morse code, bird calls, tin cans & string, and even smoke signals. But not AI. (That’s how the Welcome Wagon failed.)

We are attempting to get confirmation of the identity of the pilot who sacrificed himself to destroy the alien ship.

CONFIRMED: THE ALIEN SPACECRAFT OVER NEVADA HAS BEEN DESTROYED! EAT SHIT, ALIENS!!

AN AMERICAN PILOT HAS FLOWN HIS PLANE INTO THE MOUTH OF THE ALIEN SHIP WITH A LIVE MISSILE AND TRIGGERED A MASSIVE EXPLOSION!!

Welp... it's been an honor reporting, y'all. Hope you stocked up on toilet paper. I gots mines. You best get yours.

The aliens are preparing to fire their primary weapon on Area 51.

The aliens are preparing to fire their primary weapon on Area 51.

The final U.S. missile has malfunctioned. The alien ship appears to still be fully operational. Hold onto your butts.

It is believed that the American fleet has run out of ammunition. This may be the end. (OK, it probably IS the end. Of everything.)

It is believed that the American fleet has run out of ammunition. This may be the end. (OK, it probably IS the end. Of everything.)

American jets are inflicting damage on the enemy ship, but the smaller alien fighters are forcing U.S. forces to burn up valuable resources. Missiles are starting to run low.

A swarm of alien fighters has descended through the mountains, peppering Area 51 with heavy fire. Ground crews have scattered and headed underground for cover.

The pilots over Area 51 have been met with alien fighter resistance. A massive dogfight has broken out over the desert, and the U.S. pilots have enabled evasive maneuvers.

We're told that a second missile from President Whitmore's fighter indeed did inflict some damage on the alien ship! Thank god.