After a week of debate, the Senate will finally vote on President Whitmore's crime bill tomorrow morning. All indications are that the President does not have the votes to get this thru.

Travel for the upcoming #IndependenceDay weekend is expected to be crazier than it's EVER been. We've got parties kicking in Dallas, Miami, Kansas City, Houston, Philadelphia, and New York, not to mention Los Angeles and the nation's capital.

NASA will be announcing their newest candidates for astronaut selection early next week. Applicants will be notified of their selection by overnight certified mail. Will one of the lucky ones selected be the first human on Mars? Or beyond even that?

What’s the First Lady doing in Hollywood next week?? (No, she’s not the lead in Titanic, James Cameron’s latest epic, which starts filming next month.) But you might be surprised…@toddmartens.bsky.social has the full agenda and more in this Sunday’s edition of the L.A. Times!

Compact Cable is offering its Freedom Bundle for Cable & Dial Up thru 7/4. Sign a 2 yr service plan and get 3 months of AOL FREE. Compact has the best service techs in the universe. If the Martians had TV, the Compact team could have them watching our fireworks by next week.

CLOONEY! DENZEL! WHITMORE! The Orange County Dispatch has announced its Ten Sexiest Men of the Year! The full list in the HOT July 2 edition next week!

Was this in the deleted scenes, or…?

Rejected again. #Artemis

This never happened.

President Whitmore wishes Mr. Nimziki well in his future endeavors.

There’s only one person who can get Bluesky working again:

Not bad. Not too bad at all. #ArtemisII

So… did we miss anything?

Whitmore from the Rose Garden: “While #PresidentsDay commemorates those who have held this office, it is best honored by remembering the acts those men have carried out to push forward democracy in search of a more perfect union & in an effort to make our nation & our world better for all mankind.”

As a gesture of peace and goodwill, President Whitmore has sent his congratulations to President Skroob on the successful completion of the latest Spaceball project. The White House looks forward to enjoying the final product and hopes it arrives with “ludicrous speed.”

Haven’t seen a group of Senators bail on their constituents like this since the ‘96 Crime Bill.

President Whitmore advises that Ms. Leavitt should watch along with him and take notes on how a real president and press secretary not only work with the media, but also become the most popular administration ever by embracing science and saving humanity.

President Whitmore’s campaign manager is the best in the business.

We have no confirmation whether President Whitmore has attempted to make communication, though a source tells us that he IS in possession of tortillas.

This is 90% of the way to the annual announcement of Mayor Berry’s visit to Colombia. Just a few shenanigans up on the Cape from really hitting home with this one.

In a statement from the White House press room, President Whitmore debunks former Defense Secretary Al Nimziki’s alleged plans to… *checks notes* …build a nuclear reactor… *checks notes again* …on the moon.

The President can neither confirm nor deny that Marshall transfer WR Randy Moss escaped containment from the alien army two weeks ago.

Only America has ever had any success in operations outside of this atmosphere. And after today, we remain undefeated.

P.S. Apologies to Adam Crowley at 93.7 The Fan in Pittsburgh. Didn’t mean for you to drain the bank account in a panic during the break Wednesday morning. #GoBuccos

It's been a super fun seven years, and it gets better every single time out. Hope we're all together again in 2026. See y'all later! Happy #IndependenceDay! #ID4

Thanks to EVERYONE following and playing along. New followers & the OG’s. This doesn't happen without you, reskeets, comments, word of mouth. The comments and reactions from y’all are what makes this whole thing fun. And worth it. Otherwise, it’s just scripted tweets.

And as the good Reverend would say, "Why we're on this particular mission, we'll never know. But I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again."

As always, pour a few out for the incomparable Robert Loggia and the always underrated James Rebhorn. Masters of their craft. Made everything they touched better. Absolute legends. Those guys weren’t bad. They weren’t too bad at all.

Biggest ups to Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin for the awesome source material. These shenanigans, malarkey, and tomfoolery obviously doesn’t happen without them. The writing, the characters, the whole thing - it’s PERFECT for this medium.

As always, hat tip to @WendyPrater.bsky.social for giving me this concept. She had no idea what she was getting into 17 yrs ago! Hey, go book a cruise vacation with her and ask her about the WHITMORE SPECIAL for discounts on your next deposit!

The guy handling the tweet to tweet content is @mdwdfw.bsky.social and as a North Carolina kid, I take SERIOUS issue with Hiller’s use of the word “barbecue” - the word I’m looking for is “cookout.” It's a cookout, dammit. #GoHeels. Go Canes. #RaiseUp

[play dramatic score] [audience cheers] [fireworks] [ballyhoo] [open sodas] [streamers and kazoos] [toss beers] [crack beers] [drink beers] [pop champagne] [all that stuff] *ROLL CREDITS*

Today, we heed the words of President Thomas Whitmore, and we celebrate.

This is a testament to American ingenuity & the U.S. military, who at only 15% capacity, took out the greatest threat civilization has ever seen in approximately 36 hrs. This is Yorktown, D-Day, Iwo Jima, and Macho Grande all wrapped into one.

Who knows what sort of health risks the future brings? Perhaps the aliens brought a virus strain that will activate in 24 yrs? Or maybe one of the aliens will hang around and mutate into our future Director of Health & Human Services. But what are the odds of any of that?

Millions of people were murdered by this invading ARMADA and countless more were injured and incapacitated. The events of the past two days constitute the greatest mass death event since the Black Plague, which lasted 7-8 years - not 48 hours.

Second is absolutely that this account was able to provide thrilling updates and analysis for a SEVENTH straight yr, complete with a Twitter/Bluesky SIMULCAST! Considering the autopilot went out on the scheduler at 10am today, we had to manually land the plane. Good thing it didn’t happen overnight.

Humanity has been saved! The events of the past 48 hours will be taught, discussed, researched, and celebrated for thousands of years. It is the single greatest achievement in the history of mankind and I'm not sure what's third, because...

We are getting numerous reports across North America of a massive meteor shower all over the sky. The mothership in orbit was obliterated and these are the pieces of the ship colorfully burning up in the Earth's atmosphere. Talk about #IndependenceDay fireworks!

Call em heroes, call em saviors, call em patriots. Whatever you call em, call em badasses. Because these are two Badasses. Capital B, son.

UNBELIEVABLE: The rescue party has found Captain Hiller and David Levinson in the desert, unharmed, having ejected from their spacecraft safely. Each are proudly strutting along the sand smoking cigars.

We understand that Dubrow and Hiller were married last night at Area 51 in a private ceremony. Congratulations to the newlyweds, especially since, ya know, they didn’t get microwaved this morning. Also: keep her name out your mouth.

Also in the party headed to meet Hiller and Levinson is a woman named Jasmine Dubrow. Dubrow, a dancer from Los Angeles, has been credited with saving the lives of at least a half dozen victims in L.A. & was the driver of the truck that found First Lady Whitmore in the LA rubble.

President Whitmore, General Grey, and Communications Director Spano are among the party en route to meet who we presume to be Hiller and Levinson... if they survived re-entry.

President Whitmore and others are presuming that the unidentified crash is the spacecraft flown by Hiller and Levinson. General Grey is gathering a party to drive thru the desert to the site for investigation.

A report from @podkatt.bsky.social says that radar has picked up an unidentified downed aircraft roughly 15 miles away from Hiller and Levinson's designated landing site.

Reunion. Elation. Victory.

We have confirmation of other alien spacecrafts being destroyed over Cairo, Sydney, and other major metro areas across Europe and Asia. What would the world have done without the technological brilliance of the good ol' Red, White, and Blue?? #Merica