I SAID *cocks gun* don we now our gay apparel

after much research i've figured out how to get out of a work group chat on android. the trick is to hurl your phone into the river.

been reading about the act of "going viral". thinking of giving it a try.

Two days later, having at last arranged all three hundred and two UNO cards in his hand, Gary finally plays a green 7 to an abandoned table.

Me: I want a panic room inside a panic room in case I panic in the panic room. Architect: You aren’t zoned for that. Me: *panics*

i'm leaving my current store in a week and a customer gave me a card with a $500 check!

so when going to trial it's a good idea to hire a trial lawyer?

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

How to save your marriage with cold Taco Bell and roughly $600,000.

“Get in the car, no time to explain!” I yell to the stranger on the sidewalk who, justifiably, does not get into my vehicle.

Hey buddy, want to buy some wind chimes? *I open my trench coat and 100 wind chimes fall out*

They want $60 for an hour at the axe throwing place? For that money I can buy a case of beer and my own axe, and throw it at whatever I want until I'm arrested again

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

I’ve been contemplating the logistics of glovebox spaghetti for a decade now — and I’m finally ready to admit I’m in over my head.

i thought it was just some guy named duncan donuts

okay but i've gotten optimistic about him being taken down so many times!

fetterman is a sensation amongst the party he ran against.

a fascinating two hour conversation with a robot about gaining and losing an online community i don't know what anything is anymore.

this is weird. republicans told me everyone was happy.

my laptop wouldn't charge. i went to office depot and target. they're chargers were expensive. i came home and order one from walmart to pickup this evening. my power strip was switched off.

after several months of talking myself out of asking someone for help, i finally did and they said yes.

"Let's take a gander at that license." “I’m so sorry, my partner’s new.” “Fuck you, Mike. It’s a good joke.”

Just found out Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. This is why I have trust issues

For personal reasons, I have taken leave of my senses

i have six days off.

*brings an assortment of board games to a knife fight

I'm 50, and I was demonstrating a comic book to my 10yr old daughter when we came to a full page ad... she said "skip ad" and I turned the page and we both laughed

you can tell this is a game 7 because it's the sixth inning and none of the players have left the stadium yet. even the shortstops are sticking around even though you don't really need them. this is playoff baseball

ive crunched the numbers, and its not looking good. theyre pretty much ruined by all the crunching, i owe you new numbers

i've reached out to two different people i know in my company trying to get help with a work problem and they aren't responding and it's making me feel very insecure.

Hey everyone! just got back from France! Had a great vacation and definitely did not go to the Louvre

I am going to die on this hill because it is very steep and I am incredibly out of shape.

ai may be terrible but i just had my first conversation in days.

Angry Male Thrown Out Of Casual Male Store

well this all seems highly concerning.

The amount of cover letters I’ve written claiming to be detail oriented vs. the amount of times I’ve forgotten I was in the middle of using the stove

the dept. of transportation digital sign on the highway said "make room for snow plows". it's 84 degrees.

i just watched video of a fireworks display that was supposed to go 30 minutes but they screwed up and blew everything up at once. it was a mess.

the most bonkers double play i've ever seen.

I'm too tired to shop. I'm too tired to cook. I'm even too tired to drive to a drive-thru. I think eventually they'll just be a service where you sit on your porch and pay people to drive by in a golf cart shooting Big Macs down your throat with a t-shirt cannon.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years? GODZILLA: Honestly, probably still stomping Tokyo. I just can't get enough of it.

there seems to be a thing where actors become hallmark actors kind of like they've taken up a vegas residency.

has anyone ever had a sense of how long they're going to live? like specifically to an age?

Our macaws are good talkers, but more importantly they're great listeners.

last minute panic has ruined yet another event.

I'm going to line my pockets and purse with tinfoil and steal all the meatballs at IKEA

any new meteor threats?

*discovery of potatoes* 1st person: What should we do with these? 2nd person: *clenches fist* EVERYTHING.