Has anybody checked with Australia to see how their rapture went?

Come on guys everyone knows Tylenol causes male pattern baldness. It's too bad my mom had all those headaches while she was pregnant.

Guys. Is it possible they mean rupture?

I deleted your account. Hope this helps.

Woke up sarcastic again.

The way my company leadership talks about AI sounds like they think it's listening to everything they say and will kill their whole family if they screw it up.

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

You remind me a lot of decaf coffee. You’re here but no one’s impressed.

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

Four for Fighting

man sometimes you just gotta consider the source and not sweat it

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

A lot of people are moving to email but I remain stationary.

My twin brother called me from prison. “You know how we finish each others sentences “…

Well, I’ll be damned. -me arriving in Hell

Polishing up the draft of my autobiography in light of the rapture predictions for this week.

"yeah, they get it..."

This rapture could have been an email.

Hey if y'all get raptured, make sure I have your bsky n bank credentials so I can make like y'all are still here.

we wouldn't all die of AI slop if sarah connor had just raised john right

This place is becoming more Twittery all the time.

28% of Americans believe it’s not butter

they should invent a reality that isn't terrible

Who called it “Going down a rabbit hole” when “Descending a harecase” would’ve been more poetic.

Don’t be a soup nazi… be a soup commie That’s not your soup, that’s OUR soup Pass me the ladle, comrade!

If people can get fired for social media posts, maybe we should look at Trump's old tweets.

Somebody recently told me I'm not Christian enough and if I don't change I will miss the rapture. Well joke's on you buddy because I've already missed every rapture so far.

I miss my life before I knew the opinion of every single person I've ever met in my entire life on literally every subject.

If you want to see a Christian act as opposite from Christ as possible, criticize their favorite politician.

Eternal damnation is reserved for people who ruin jokes online.

I’m so tired of the internet but it’s my emotional support hellhole.

I can't do much but I volunteer to provide coffee for the upcoming civil war.

It's always freedom of speech until I say something about your guy.

The world is on fire but at least I'm meeting my KPIs this week.

Americans be like: wHaT’s LeFtOvEr BaCoN

We don't give ourselves enough credit for getting through some days.

I’m not a dumb, but I play one on tv

Colonoscopies are good because they deal with the Hole Scope of the issue.

No no, of course I'm not trying to say I'm better than you. I would never do that because I am literal garbage.

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

me: I’m going to make this a butter world friend: you mean a better world me: *already crafting an unstoppable butter army* me: no

Them: "You don't get the Sunday scaries?" Me: "That's my secret. I'm always scared."

I've seen what you people look like with clothes on. Please do NOT send nudes.

Please support the Kickstarter for my R.E.M.-themed tent store. I hope to open Everybody Yurts by January.

Like Shakespeare always said, “All the world is a stage, and despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.”

Schools: don't use AI Jobs: use chatgpt or we'll kill your dog *cocks gun*

Follicles was the Greek God of hair growth.

not now son, daddy’s life is falling apart but he wants to tell jokes on the internet