Today I answered the interview question “How do you show up for your coworkers” by saying “I’m like your favorite aunt” so uh, nailed it

Manifesting this

Googling “why does it feel so amazing to poop the biggest poop in the world and completely clear out your intestines” and then realizing that you’re drunk again and just sent this in a text message to your boyfriend

I haven’t wanted to skeet because I got laid off and I’m sad and feeling bad about myself but I took an edible just now so I might start saying dumb shit as nature intended

Picard is always like "tea, earl grey, hot" and I guess that's why he's captain, I would be like "seven top pot maple bars, two blackberry cobblers, a banana cake, two root beer floats, and two durban poison joints" every few minutes

You arrive to the hotel room. I am nude and completely lubed up. You start to ask me what I have all over me when you spot the tub of beef tallow on the night stand. “I want to make America healthy again all night with you” I say as the beef tallow shimmers on my back rolls. You cum instantly.

Grapefruit #oilpainting #art

The last time I baked a man cookies, he stole my good Tupperware.

My parents don’t have a door on their master bathroom which is the kinkiest thing I’ve ever seen

Picard sure loves to wear a slutty little robe

If I were a rich lord oh the fucking goblets of wine I would drink,while I did lordly shit and thought grand thoughts of balls and ladies and shit like that

No one, ever: Me, high af and watching Bridgerton: twill be a cold day in hell when I make my return to the marriage mart and out of the sweet sexy embrace of spinsterhood

After the week I had, I'm getting so fucking stoned tonight.

Honestly if your penis is bigger than a sleeve of Thin Mints i don’t want it unless your penis is literally thin mints then yes, I do want it

why? why shouldn’t i be allowed to have a sleeve of thin mints in my dresser drawer?

good news everybody

democrats sending those donation spam texts/calls tonight

The amount of drugs they are pumping into him tonight to make it through this speech would kill anyone other than Keith Richards

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

‘I notice none of you fuckers are listening now’

imagine getting in any body of water while wearing jeans, let alone a hot tub, then imagine doing that with kid rock stop barfing

Absolutely fucking no one: Me: I do hope the Lady Francesca Bridgerton achieves a pinnacle during intercourse during this season, as thus far it has eluded her

do all humanoids have soft butts

I’m doing some watercolor tonight

Holy shit you guys this is what my face looked like 16 years ago in watercolor. I have this painting in my bathroom.

You guys when I got my new phone they kept trying to sell me on a privacy screen but fuck that, I’m proud of my shit posting

do you wanna come over and cut paper into various shapes and glue them onto things

I accidentally caught five seconds of that Kid Rock halftime show and when he screeched BAWITDABA into the camera I felt my bacterial vaginosis flare up fml

Writing my representatives to urge them to address the problem of too many boys going to Jupiter to get more stupider

getting a bigger penis tattooed onto my penis

Doing art badly is good and sacred

watching you’ve got mail and it’s hilarious to think that there was ever a time in human history when anyone was actually thankful to receive emails

These dogs in charge of things need to understand that The Muppet Show and the Post Office are public services, not tawdry businesses.

Has anyone seen my cursed amulet? I think it might have fallen in the toilet while I was snorting coke off the tank

Just please don't let Grimace show up in the Epstein files

Damn that lady Bridgerton comely as fuck

Ugh i don’t know if I want Benedict Bridgerton to stop being all free and bisexual and shit

News, I do not care how many times you try to tell me about it, i don’t want to see Melanie’s documentary ok? Stop it.

ELON MUSK: your island is so freaking like, based. it's seriously like effing amazeballs. i'm going to basically be making like all of mars totally just like the same as how epic this is STEPHEN HAWKING: jeff rey why, did you in vite, this lame, ass nerd

friend of mine is an undocumented immigrant and has been hiding in Melania theaters bc he knows people assume no one is in there

Alexa, describe to me all the various sexual entanglements in Fleetwood Mac

at this point i will defect to whatever country invades and deposes donald trump this is just getting too embarrassing and disgusting

A Christmas tree I watercolored inspired by a Kristina Werner YouTube video

ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE MY ENEMIES, WHY WON'T MY ENEMIES LET ME LOVE THEM.

my family won't speak to me because i can't stop fucking farting

This Yacht Rock documentary is going to hit just right with this edible

Get ready everyone Galentines Day is coming and I am very high and will be making Galentines for my gals @vinny23.bsky.social @uhhhhhoksure.bsky.social @emasinmoney.bsky.social @denim22.bsky.social

I bet it sucks shit to be ostensibly the second most powerful guy in the world and still having no one like you