One thing marriage has taught me is I make one hell of a husband

Me, a person who loves coffee cake. Also me, a person who hates cinnamon rolls.

*me, a autoimmune girlie* What’s your drug of choice? -Prednisone

What if your favorite Hollywood actor was in the files what would you do?! Sean Astin would neverrrrrr

BREAKING: Trump vows to invade Norway and take ALL of the Nobel Peace Prizes.

me paying $30 in gas to buy imported things that have been hit with tariffs bc joe rogan is learning about politics at age 58

Sometimes I do be buying grillo pickles to eat all the garlic bits

Surprise surprise I moved again and I’m back in the NE. We are getting another storm and everyone ran out for groceries and I ran out for New Haven pizza

People who refuse to let ramp traffic merge - why are you in the right lane?

On social media, you have to be funny all the time or nobody will love you, just like in real life.

Does this place have dm rooms yet?

I forgot this app existed. Hi!

Honestly, these last few years have kicked my ass and I’ve been hanging on by a thread. The only thing getting me through is repeating “it’s not perfect but it’s better than before” repeatedly all day - every day.

All I want out of science is a strawberry that's the size of an apple

Is that a uncrustable in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

My kid asking for Mac and cheese every day. Me making Mac and cheese every day bc I also want Mac and cheese every day.

The only thing I ever want is onigiri

💁‍♀️🩷💅

When someone suggests Halloween is for kids

Sometimes you just need to eat bread and butter pickles straight outta the jar

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here cropping out my giant forehead in all my selfies

I think laying in a puppy puddle would cure me

Autism existed before Tylenol’s creation. I know crazy hard pill to swallow (all puns intended) thanks for coming to me Ted talk

How am I supposed to diet when everything requires me to eat my feelings

We’re all fucked. You’re not special.

Cleaning the cat box like the world’s saddest archaeologist

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

The things I might've achieved if I hadn't been insane.

The good news is that we'll never know the truth about anything ever again

“Nice tits” thanks I got them from my dad

Thoughts and prayers

A haunted house, buts it’s a line of unexpected visitors knocking on your door.

Dean Cain made his entire career based on a character who was, in fact, an illegal alien.

Renting out The Sphere for my friends and family during my colonoscopy.

Scheduling weekly prostate exams just to feel something

Pretty sure my morning coffee is why I am fat again

I love watching non-Americans eat Hershey chocolate for the first time

every morning

Yea I’m an influencer. Influencing people to lick deez nutz

Oh man the bots are using AI generated big tiddy ladies lmao they are gonna get so many stupid men divorced. Love to see it.

I don’t know why I keep getting fatter *dips Papa Johns pepperoni pizza in garlic butter sauce*

if i were allergic to cats id kill myself

On this Chairteenth, we celebrate the good folks of Montgomery, especially our guy AquaMayne. Special shout out to the folks who, within 72 hours, recreated this in their apartment complex. A COMMUNITY!! 💀

If my dreams were real my life would be so fucking cool

Gonna name my baby Imhotep

What’s the best condiment and why is it mayonnaise?

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I was never funny