I think laying in a puppy puddle would cure me

Autism existed before Tylenol’s creation. I know crazy hard pill to swallow (all puns intended) thanks for coming to me Ted talk

How am I supposed to diet when everything requires me to eat my feelings

Her: “You’re sex is on fire” Her Physician: that’s called chlamydia

We’re all fucked. You’re not special.

Cleaning the cat box like the world’s saddest archaeologist

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

The things I might've achieved if I hadn't been insane.

The good news is that we'll never know the truth about anything ever again

“Nice tits” thanks I got them from my dad

Thoughts and prayers

A haunted house, buts it’s a line of unexpected visitors knocking on your door.

Dean Cain made his entire career based on a character who was, in fact, an illegal alien.

Renting out The Sphere for my friends and family during my colonoscopy.

Scheduling weekly prostate exams just to feel something

Pretty sure my morning coffee is why I am fat again

I love watching non-Americans eat Hershey chocolate for the first time

every morning

Yea I’m an influencer. Influencing people to lick deez nutz

Oh man the bots are using AI generated big tiddy ladies lmao they are gonna get so many stupid men divorced. Love to see it.

I don’t know why I keep getting fatter *dips Papa Johns pepperoni pizza in garlic butter sauce*

if i were allergic to cats id kill myself

On this Chairteenth, we celebrate the good folks of Montgomery, especially our guy AquaMayne. Special shout out to the folks who, within 72 hours, recreated this in their apartment complex. A COMMUNITY!! 💀

If my dreams were real my life would be so fucking cool

Gonna name my baby Imhotep

What’s the best condiment and why is it mayonnaise?

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I was never funny

I really hope certain people get a nasty sunburn this weekend

Friday night you know what that means breaking out a mini can Diet Pepsi with some lemon

Satan says “wassup”

Trust my gut? The very thing that burns my heart?

As soon as this heatwave ends im going to hunt god

and it’s serious 💙

Everything lives rent free in my head. I have not yet found the proper mechanism to charge rent to the things in my head.

Still would bang Tyson Ritter

So you think you know what betrayal feels like? Try having your vibrator die right before climax

Hey look ma I’m spiraling

Space X is short for Spaceship Explosion.

When I finally shake this depression or fall deeper into it I’ll have something funny to say

Shut the fuck up about your follower count and post garbage like the rest of us.

A Democratic Mayor arrested. A Democratic Congresswoman indicted. A Democratic Senator tackled and detained. A Democratic State Representative killed. A Democratic State Representative in critical condition. We can all see where this is going.

It’s not hyperbole to say that the deaths in Minnesota are on the GOP’s hands. They’ve built this political environment and they’ve allowed a demagogue to spread hate. This is entirely on them.

good morning friends 💚✨

Hoping this email finds you in hell

I'm just glad one of these men has the nuclear codes and the other has all our personal data.

Let me know if you want to pay for my pedicures. You can even pick the color.

I toggle between social media platforms looking for validation