For once I'd like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I've changed too, you know.

When I see two birds flying together I always picture them arguing furiously.

My deepest, most sincere apologies for my earlier correspondence. I mistakenly used a preposition at the end of a sentence and will be running upon my blade at approximately 5:00pm. Best.

If a store ever tell you that you can't bring food in just tell em these are your service carbs.

Sorry I didn't call back...I forgot the call dropped... and that we were talking...and who are you again?

*filling every waffle hole with syrup* you like that don’t you naughty girl

“coward’s ratio” i whisper at 1 like and no reskeets

barista: what can i get you me: i’ll have a few minutes inside the bean grinder, pls

Get out of my face, giant glowing orb that sustains all life on my planet, I'm trying to drive

What is with men here sending DMs though, quit acting brand new. Men are shitlisted in 2025, it’s sex robot time

@artlust.bsky.social Aww you're here ❤️

Rebranding sweatpants as goblin pants, thoughts?

[getting my ass beat in the most embarrassing way possible] oh, real mature. Very nice

I can’t be your Daddy, I’m wearing panties.

911: what is your emergency ME: i need a hug 911: hold please

The cashier at the gas station tried to cover it up but I saw it. You hear me? I SAW IT.

Something about a tomato cracker and ripped jeans pockets. Lose my number.

How dare you tell me *Happy Hondadays* when you know my family celebrates *Toyotathon*?

I just heard the kids from down the hall getting home from school and one of them said "last one to the door is a rotten egg" and for some reason I can't quite pin down, I'm so glad kids still say that

all the the end small of things titanic 🤝 rose’s by the stairs

One nice part about this platform is they are still working out the kinks so if a post does bad you can tell yourself it’s probably the servers. The servers are too warm and they aren’t showing your good post. Because of the heat.

Chris Cross did, in fact, make me jump, jump.

My GF: We need to get you new clothes Me [standing there in overalls with one strap hanging down]: Why?

*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid

Snapdragons are my favorite flower to grow. They do however produce seed pods that look like the screaming skulls of the damned.

There are two types of people: Those who acknowledge that Batman Returns belongs on the list of greatest Christmas movies and those who aren't my friends anymore

No one ever rolls on the floor laughing anymore I'd bet you could probably pick up a whole fleet of roflcopters pretty cheap these days

ya know after stopping and dropping I think this would be a lovely place to open up shop let's shut em down ryders

A gentle reminder of the collective stroke we, the internet, had when this abomination reared it's oogly head over a decade ago. NEVER FORGET.

Rizzard.

What? It's a typical Monday afternoon. Wailing sirens, hostile witnesses, horse pucky, workshopping jokes with the coven.

let's suck this morning's dick for jesus, gang

[approaching the casket] omg you look so thin what’s your secret

I’m ovulating and I need a nest to lay my eggs in

we should scramble more things, not just eggs bovine testicles for instance, let’s add some whimsy to the menu folks

Unlike any of you whores I will conceive my child through the power of prayer

me: correct me if I’m wrong- the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

You’re laughing? There’s a gas leak in the house and you’re laughahahahhahahahahahahahajahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahah

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

(bernie sanders voice) no one should wake up and find they have seventy five new emails

If one of my key employees was recruited from a convent, that's nun of my business.

@itsgreengay.bsky.social OMG you're here!!!

If you're cold, they're cold. BRING THEM INSIDE.

hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding

ME FROM 9 PM TO MIDNIGHT: I am exhausted ME AT 1 AM: Need to research how to do trapeze

I hate everything about me so you don't have to.

HOLY MAIMING CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARE BATMAN

Ugh FINE I'll show up to work "sober" to lead the department of defense. YES without "sexually assaulting" everyone, christ anything else?