My air sax solo on the Motels “Only the Lonely” will make you fall in love.

space heater? good luck with that

Coworkers: I would do anything for lunch Me: yes! Arby’s! Coworkers: but I won’t do that

Continents are just big islands #sososcience

Ice storm warning in Atlanta, not sure if I should salt my driveway or hide my immigrants

ICE: not a well-regulated militia since 2003

Who invented the slow-closing toilet seat? Not all heroes wear capes, but you should.

I just used a waffle iron to make a panini, so yes, I am all about innovation.

Sometimes I wonder what I’d do without Cheerios

3:07 am : *sits bolt upright in bed* TOO MUCH SOUP IS A SLURPLUS *immediately falls back into deep sleep*

I’m kinda shy at first but get to know me and you’ll be surprised to find that I’m also quite unpleasant, and sometimes just a straight-up asshole.

Bringing the gassy vibes

Real people that have annoyed me #1: Pronounces pizza like peeza Says “the powers to be” Declawed their cats

"you should eat more vegetables" yeah well maybe vegetables should put more effort into being edible, did they ever think about that

My new debate team hasn’t met yet because we keep going back-and-forth on when-and-where. We might be too good at this…

I don’t know why Tolkien called a meeting of wizards “the white council” when “staff meeting” was right there.

I bought a blazer today. If you need to unfollow, I understand. 😔

Stop scrolling and drink some water. Eat a banana. Make banana bread. Eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Honestly, I have too many bananas. I need help with all these bananas.

I have to stop watching pro wrestling with my dog. Now when I tell her to heel she hits me over the back with a steel chair and pisses on me.

it’s tough trying to be fergalicious in these trying times

Hell is gonna run out of special places.

Harsh truth for people that only use their small laptop screen and no monitor: You say that’s all you need to do your job, but the rest of us can tell. You are slower and less accurate.

Never trust someone that asks to borrow your lip balm.

*evaluating the apple pie for Thanksgiving* this isn’t remotely fuckable

I’m bringing some very traditional things to thanksgiving this year. I really hope everyone enjoys their smallpox blankets.

ask not for whom the butt holes it holes for thee

I could never be a “yes man”. Definitely more of a “yo, man”.

Mandelbroccoli

What in the festive fuck

Guest Services: your stay comes with a free incontinental breakfast Me: don’t you mean continental? Guest Services: the Imodium is next to the orange juice

Replacing your underwear every 6-12 months is just propaganda from big panty.

Who we used to have to buy weed from before legalization

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

There’s always a secreter society.

Is there going to be an IPO and a Wall Street listing for the US government, or is this a private sale to the billionaires?

better to reign in taco bell than serve at cheesecake factory

You can't just sweep the elephant in the room under the rug.

If getting loaded means stuffing myself with cheese, bacon, butter, and sour cream, then yes please.

big ups to soup

The reward of getting your shit together is finding another layer of shit to deal with. There is no end to the shit.

What’s the age requirement to drive a Buick? Like 62?

replacing Batman fight onomatopoeiae with old midwestern brewery names

There are axolotls everywhere. #dragoncon2025

*Puts on cloak on invisibility* "This is gonna be so much fun" *Stays at home and watches tv*

On Monday, I remembered the new work password I set on Friday. Not today, AARP!

I call your f-bombs and raise you a c-word.

When it all starts to sound as muddy as Pearl Jam lyrics, it’s time to end the meeting.

Eminem says he’s gonna be rapping until he’s 100 years old and I, for one, cannot wait for him to drop his Social Security Administration diss track.

I’m a godless whore but I’m non practicing