just recently put my phone in grayscale so sometimes I forget and then I’m watching a video going “black & white was a weird choice for this”

didn’t see anything in peoples’ front yards for Halloween on my walk, unless you count the mattress out by the curb and say the theme is “bedbugs.” then it becomes a very scary decoration

her phone died before she got the hulk hogan gif I sent 😪

fell off a horse for the first time yesterday (he tripped and fell, so I fell off)

me since my dog died:

I just said “working yard or yardly working?” in response to my wife’s question about doing yard work and I think we might be divorced now.

Just saw a video of a drunk woman getting arrested at an airport and she said “how are you going to hold my accountable for something I did 20 minutes ago” and the beauty of that statement fully floored me.

happy new year, I posted this yesterday and one of my friends said “is this supposed to be a thirst trap 😭” and “😭😭😭 and are those bangs” so I guess their resolution is to keep me humble

nvm he looked 3 times within the first 7 minutes lol

she hans on my gruber til i die hard

She parum on my pumpum til I pum.

— me, a year ago

You had me at hello. Of course, you immediately lost me the moment you said something else. But at hello, you really had me.

we hooked up once, never saw or spoke to each other again. today he added me on snapchat and has looked at the story I posted in a cute outfit 3 times in the last 2 hours lmao

Expedition X: New Horizons you can invite cryptids to live on/possess/haunt your island

Might just fuck around and eat you up, I love you so.

I’m gonna lose my fucking mind bro

it's amazing how they keep flanking him with the most miserable, evil-looking people you can imagine when he looks like a marble sculpture that escaped from the museum in the vatican

babe wake up. government christmas skeleton just dropped

they’re so mad he showed people how easy it was that they gotta drum up the police state theater

a guy just told me I “used to be sexier” so keep an eye out for my mugshot after I murder him, I’ll try to look sexy in it

Me: this horse was a gift Veterinary Dentist: I’m sorry, I can’t help you

hear me out conversion therapy so I can settle down with a woman

instead of hearts bsky should have a horse counting out our likes

Belle got 4 teeth pulled today, she’s really leaning in to the whole “living in Alabama” thing

The Betrayal of Christ, by Giuseppe Cesari, 1596-97, 📸 by @rachelwizphoto

police: come out with your hands up unitedhealthcare shooter: 🤌🤌

even if he's a bit cringe i'm still on his side here to be clear

16 eggs, 16tbsp sugar, gallon of milk (sub a pint or so for cream), bottle of this, half bottle of makers and a cup of cognac and bob’s your ol’ uncle egg nog

just sent a video w an inbred animal to someone of the same name w the message “I know a guy named that should I send him this video” BY ACCIDENT. I had second thoughts cause idk him that well n sent that message to my friend but forgot to unselect the guy and he saw it 😭

[at a racetrack] DATE: Which horse are you betting on? ME: I don't have a horse in this race DATE: That's fair ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

I saw the United Healthcare CEO shooter drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's, and his hair was perfect!

*brain waking up* oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality *brain 20 minutes later* I’ve invented a fish breakfast cereal called Carp’n Crunch

Kenneth looks up quizzically from a backpack he just unzipped in Tracy Jordan’s dressing room, a few bundles of Monopoly money fall out

i love telling a bozo to get real

bird flu? i bet it did

Always a Rubbermaid, never a rubber.

a cloak believed to belong to the shooter transformed into a dozen beautiful white doves and flew away, Authorities said,

Frankly, the biggest challenge in catching the CEO shooter is that the cost of stitches dramatically outweighs the reward for snitching.

there's an account on twitter that people are always getting mad at and I finally saw their bio and brother, they are 22 years old. why are you willfully engaging with the opinions of a 22-year-old you don't like lmao. are you a shift manager? do you think you're at thanksgiving?

building up a layer of seasoning on a pan is the closest real life ever gets to leveling up a good video game sword

Can I say something without everyone getting mad?

nice try but you KNOW these bad boys have a one-way ticket to Ear City

what kind of asshole rides a horse through an entire desert and doesn't give it a name