Local caught bluefin in today. Picked it up at the dock last night. No idea on the weight yet. Too big for all our scales.

Finally sold my boat. Our long national nightmare is over…

Bro thinks he’s rictus erectus

I think Ben Shapiro should do a great big public speech about what happened today.

Chav nicked me mobile

every pic of trump looks like this now

They’re gonna hafta roll trump out with the beans from even stevens glasses to say “I feel great” if they want me to believe that decrepit bitch ain’t dead.

Leto II has many powers we cannot comprehend.

Some of y’all need this

They finally pushed me too far at work.

Cats stevens

This is amazing but as a guy…the kind of guy who takes 45 bags of groceries in one trip, arms going numb, I’m gonna want more babies. Really baby that fuckin thing up. I don’t wanna make two trips.

Im doing it. I’m thinking about it right now.

*dumbass Jane Austen character voice* Would you think me too forward if I were to, perchance, ask to peruse m’ladys media tab.

Can you even begin to imagine the meal you’d get at the home of someone who owns this.

3 minutes is the proper amount of time to microwave something for. Everything worth microwaving should take no longer than that.

I refuse to believe anyone is ever happy to hear that awful doechii anxiety song. Nobody hears that music start up and then it turns into that song and they’re like “oh thank god”

Wife bought me a hat. As a sox fan I feel somewhat conflicted about wearing it while the season is going on but I’ll make an exception cause it’s not a Yankees logo.

Prolly my favorite tree in the city is this one that’s just growing out of this doorway next door to my work. The building is in use, they just don’t use that door.

*dumbass Jane Austen character voice* Would you think me too forward if I were to, perchance, ask to peruse m’ladys media tab.

Too me, the best thing about thangs is when they be thangin’, too me.

Someone called 311 on my fish warehouse today to complain about the fish smell. Been here longer than there have been residential units in this neighborhood (zoned mixed light industrial btw) but some dickhead wants to gripe that they moved next to a fish company. DOH came n said “fuck em” at least

EPSTEIN AINT GOING AWAY!

What do you mean the bank is outa Epstein files? You mean we only have enough for the next three pedophiles!?!

Watching the Red Sox go 10 for 10 at this point in the season is getting me Fired up. I know better but I’ve seen this happen. They start to have fun. You can’t let them have fun.

For some reason the water in that paper cone is as cold as glacial runoff and hits supremely different.

Did you tell him to run for mayor and then come over and say this? ᵂʰᵃᵗ?

Had my first meeting with a financial planner this week. Folks… I’m spending too much on candles…

People making “content” in public should be looked at the same way as people taking a shit in public.

I don’t carry a lot of hate in my heart but I fucking despise this guy with the burning passion of 1000 suns. I scratch this shit out everywhere I see it. It’s insipid trash. I cannot express how much this offends me.

Lookin good JP!

I have upgraded from one air conditioner to two air conditioners in my apartment. One at each end. A move of unparalleled luxury. It’s like I’m being Eiffel towered by comfort.

Pretty sure a lot of New Yorkers would be happy to help them pack. Bail on that pension and put everything you have in an uninsurable house that’ll be underwater in a decade. Godspeed, chuds.

No man has ever looked more like a desperate, rumpled door to door salesman in a slump who just needs to make a goddamn sale.

sorry Mr. Cuomo. sometimes you're the girls and sometimes youre the spaghetti and meatballs

what do you mean 'normal tools'?

Eric adams: “it’s time for me to go now. My planet needs me.” *Gets on a free flight to turkey*

wait for the punchline

Hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold!

The U.S. Army, brought to you by Brawndo. The thirst mutilator.

I have cats, Brendan.

Stephen miller has a painting of himself in his attic that gets more and more beautiful every day.

Stephen miller won’t see your mean tweets about how he looks but your prematurely bald potato faced dead eyed ugly sack of shit cuckold friends might…

“I’m a moderate Democrat. Trying to save my party from democratic maga equivalents.” *people call me a dumbass online* “I’m now a republican”