do you know how fucked everything has to be for DAVID HOGG to be like “it’s okay for people to have guns”

we are mere days away from ICE using a taser on a toddler with a Peppa Pig backpack

it’s funny when No Doubt’s Spiderwebs comes on the radio and you hear the word “loophole” more in those 3 minutes than you do for the rest of the year combined

“ICE officers are the most unhinged people alive” okay well what about the people still watching Grey’s Anatomy

It’s a shame he’s just the most despicable person ever bc he honestly is quite funny. Like not on purpose but the end result is objectively hilarious

ME: what do you mean take two of “deez” and call you in the morning? Two of what? DOCTOR WHO IS ABOUT TO BE FIRED: *takes deep breath*

Epstein Files still not released, huh

just a thought maybe we shouldn’t be giving our lowest-IQ racists badges and firearms after less training than it takes to become a barista

How dare you doubt George Conway is a real Democrat? He just texted asking for money

person delivering my food: almost there, just need to snap a quick photo before I go me answering the door in a suit and tie: oh. got it, a photo of the food being dropped off

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

Hey @grok put him in a bikini

The problem with living on the west coast is you wake up and before 8am you see like third-layer posts like “no way that was constitutional” and you have no idea what happened but man it’s too early to slowly discover something bad

A funny “new” new year’s eve thing for me is that im so insane I’m watching network shows and enjoying the performances and all that but I can’t stop googling to see how old the performers are

everyone is making these profound year-end discoveries and I’m sitting here wondering why frozen yogurt doesn’t thaw and become regular yogurt

Crushed this year

not to be dramatic but if I don’t complain about things online I might die

Merry Christmas gang, for the most part you guys are the bees knees

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (derogatory)

I don’t like Muslims, they have some funny customs. Anyway, help me drag this pine tree into the living room.

Eagerly awaiting the @dschnoeb.bsky.social year end book favorites post

ME: Merry Christmas. We’re saying that again now you know. No more woke leftists saying we can’t. PARAMEDIC: sir I asked for your blood type this is urgent

My kids overheard me call our Christmas tree a thirsty bitch when I was giving it water

Philip Rivers might be the first grandfather quarterback but he’s also the only starter in the league named after a solution to a drought

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, and moods were elated, as the Grink was there

a weird thing to think about: since TV and radio signals have been digital basically their whole life, Gen Alpha people don’t know what static is

I have some questions about Oklahoma

Sharks, my business is a reverse Mr Skin Mark Cuban: go on It’s a website that tells you where all the non-nude scenes are in porn videos so you can focus on cinematography and character development

maybe the 3 Wise Men weren’t coming to visit baby Jesus. Maybe they traveled all that way to see a lady they knew was down to hook up and keep her mouth shut about it

[folds menu gently and hands to server] please may I have the applebee

today’s affirmation: I am within the acceptable range of deviation. I am a perfectly roasted quail. if I was a car the mechanics would find nothing weird or rodent related in my air filter. I am upright. There are no stones or excess debris in my shoes. I still have all my bones.

depressingly little fox content on Fox News

sex

bugs bunny was literally the first guy in drag i ever saw but ok

this is the dead zone for Spotify wrapped. this is your moment. binge all your most embarrassing shit. no one will know.

ah yes very normal

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich ME: oh dang that sounds so good DOORDASH: now imagine that it could be yours for just $37

thought about a classic tweet as I was suffering through half two

[notices a guy making a hut out of chapstick] “hey nice balm shelter”

yesterday a dear friend reminded me of this lol

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

feeling like an insane person trying to explain the lyrics of No Doubt’s Spiderwebs to a 23 year old

maybe the funniest Trump picture yet

being in your 40s is great bc you can say things like “I was the bassist in the Gin Blossoms” with conviction and it seems mostly believable to a lotta folks

okay a guy named what died of what

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments? Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

the gourmet dog food commercials are so funny. “I wouldn’t feed my dog processed food, would you?” Sir my dog eats literally shit if I’m not paying attention

anyone who posts on social media is a loser

Boston just yelling “Yankees Suck” at confused ICE agents