DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich ME: oh dang that sounds so good DOORDASH: now imagine that it could be yours for just $37

thought about a classic tweet as I was suffering through half two

[notices a guy making a hut out of chapstick] “hey nice balm shelter”

yesterday a dear friend reminded me of this lol

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

feeling like an insane person trying to explain the lyrics of No Doubt’s Spiderwebs to a 23 year old

maybe the funniest Trump picture yet

being in your 40s is great bc you can say things like “I was the bassist in the Gin Blossoms” with conviction and it seems mostly believable to a lotta folks

okay a guy named what died of what

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments? Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

the gourmet dog food commercials are so funny. “I wouldn’t feed my dog processed food, would you?” Sir my dog eats literally shit if I’m not paying attention

anyone who posts on social media is a loser

Boston just yelling “Yankees Suck” at confused ICE agents

as a 14 year old I thought it was so cool that the DRIVER was openly smoking a joint WHILE DRIVING A BUS FULL OF CHILDREN TO SCHOOL

[posts a thirst trap to linkedin] working on my thot leadership

do you guys know you lose the benefits of exercise when you stop? what a scam. Ponzi-scheme ass hobby

No Kings includes short kings. sorry bros maybe you’ll experience a rollercoaster in the next life

“Sport Mode,” I whisper to no one as I adjust my adult retainer so then entire bratwurst fits in my mouth

[returning from Costco] "Honey you didn't get stuff we don't need, did you?" "Of course not babe" *stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

ME: I for one support you keeping him in prison MY FRIEND WHO OWNS A BIRD: what

people are pointing out how much young Hillary Clinton looks like Sabrina Carpenter which is wild but what’s really wild is knowing that Sabrina Carpenter will eventually look like Hillary Clinton

people are scared of all the wrong things. snakes are terrifying, being alone with your own thoughts is terrifying

I’d quit drinking alcohol but the problem is I like the way it makes me feel

oh shit oh fuck

Costume idea thread 1) sexy H1-B vids holder afraid to leave the country bc they worry they won’t be allowed back in

just saw a Subaru Outback hatchback driven by a guy with a ponytail that was covered in Trump and MAGA stickers. this is what seeing the Loch Ness monster must feel like

He certainly raises a lot of red flags

surely anyone who makes a joke or is even mildly insensitive about the ICE shootings will have severe backlash from conservative circles, and will definitely be fired from their jobs

I see a lot of intellectual types who I normally agree with dunking on these incongruent responses but this is a super relevant datapoint about how messaging matters. Conservatives are way better than dems on messaging and especially better than many progressives, which is why they win

this exists it is called thinking

Sorry for party rocking your honor

Jimmy Kimmel canceled bc he fucked Ben Affleck

Welcome to the Briar Street Theatre, have a Fruit Roll-up. Aren't you gonna eat it? Oh for Christ's sake!

I do think it’s peculiar that an msnbc guy got fired for just stating facts but the Fox News guy can say “let’s murder homeless people” without consequences. I wonder why that is

[folds menu gently and hands to server] please may I have the applebee

nvm the replies to that were gonna be so annoying

hate speech creates hate I know this is a difficult concept but we’ll get through it together

annoyed I had to learn what a groyper is

All I saw was cheesecake boat and ocean for at least 5 minutes

A retraction means nothing. We live in the stupidest times ever and once it’s out there, it is truth to a meaningful batch of people forever. Trump himself could say it’s not true and there’d be QAnon people saying he HAD to do that bc of a deep state negotiation 4D chess tactic

[logging in] “I’m sure everyone on Bluesky is being normal”

If I don’t sleep with underage girls myself they’ll know I’m a snitch

[RFK voice] there is a 100% correlation between consuming oxygen and sudden death. Every recorded case of death in world history involved a person consuming oxygen just moments before they passed

President Trump's press conference is delayed because he is having mitochondrial issues and one of his hands just fell off.

me: I like my Ring doorbell camera. it’s convenient and helps me feel safer when I’m away from home my bluesky replies: you corporate shill!! you republican bitch! absolute elitist trash. way to support the surveillance state!! does it make you feel big to spy on underwaged delivery workers?

Everyone so excited for the Trump announcement thinking he’s sick and it’s gonna be something like “we’ve just shipped Obama to Zaire”

hey guys bluesky has very seriously become unusable for me bc the group-think simp replies are insane and even worse than twitter. I’m going to try to fix it by blocking very liberally but this might be it for me here

I can’t reply to this and listen I hate big tech but both Uber and Netflix (and more importantly the models they ushered in) have changed most of our lives for the better

a lovely 103 degree afternoon

the folks dunking on mark cuban for using saying “affordable healthcare” instead of “free healthcare” is why we lose elections btw practically achievable progress is always dismissed in favor of perfection that’s unrealistic in the short term From here to Medicare For All won’t happen in one step