so did we ever takeover Greenland or was that a fever dream

is that good

So I thought I absolutely crushed this and then realized I missed the enormous city I was born and raised in

BOSS: so this mess up is unbelievable ME: well I’m an idiot, and you hired me, so who’s really at fault here

saw a license plate “1 divby 0” and was a little confused until I realized the car was an infiniti

Don Jr has hired James Austin Johnson to go to his wedding instead

Mayor McCheese can never die, he can only become moldy

somehow “person woman man camera tv” is a more reasonable string of words than “the pope is weak on crime”

tell me you have only met like 5 people without telling me you’ve only met like 5 people

there’s something strangely intimate about walking in someone else’s footprints in the sand. Like you should be arrested if you do it without consent

It’s Casey Anthony

getting an Audi tattoo so people who see my arm from certain angles assume I was in the Olympics

Tiger Woods is the Harrison Ford of cars

my war peace plan is getting all the relevant leaders in a room and having them watch 20min of videos of deaf babies and toddlers getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s voices for the first time

Quite old but my favorite onion headline ever

I’m not even a classic barstool hater but man Wake Up Barstool is such a twisted tv show concept. Who wants to see bros debate underboob vs sideboob at 8am. Sir this is my time to drink coffee and read about the world’s horrors

ME: I decided to cook for our 1st date DATE: nice ME: I’m sort of a foodie DATE: ok ME: *sets down plate* these are shaped like dinosaurs

this French bakery is spooky and it’s giving me the crepes

wife: i should have never let you take that morse code class me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

can’t stop wont stop if i do the bus explodes

Pretty sure the Kool-Aid man stayed in this hotel room once

if you think anyone who holds a different opinion or perspective than you is wrong and there’s no wiggle room at all in your worldview, that’s narcissism. sorry to be the one who tells you that “I’m right about everything” is an ego problem.

takes like this are so tired and such a distraction and I hate it.

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

I can’t believe we’re in the brief period where you can legally get rich insider trading on prediction markets and I have no access to sensitive information

The flight attendant just closed the flimsy curtain between business class and economy, they must be doing something mysterious up there

I also took a pill in Ibiza but Avicii still thought I was a huge loser

not all who wonder are bread

my new fitness routine is telling women on the street they’d be prettier if they smiled more and then running away as they try to murder me

not to sound too harsh but anyone with decorated Christmas tree still up now should be shot

Why does everything get dirty during a light rain? Feels like that should be like a gentle cleaning

Me: that's Walter under the bridge Friend: it's "water" lol Me: *pointing to a body as it floats down the river* no

serious question is you don’t have more followers than the number of posts why aren’t you more heavily medicated

[doing the luge] You know that was good. But I bet it’d be better with another guy lying on top of me

posting this mostly to antagonize my followers but if you’re planning a trip to a new city using an AI that can read and summarize 500 websites in 20 seconds is about 1,000,000x more effective than Google or TripAdvisor or anything else

already the discussion starts, voting 3rd party bc you dont like the candidate and helping jd vance become president while everything is so fucked is…something else. almost certainly ghosting this place before 2027

especially people on bluesky have this hyper-aversion and skepticism of AI. AI is going to be scary good very soon. Hating it or ignoring it won’t change that. Will it replace most jobs? Idk. But television changed the world and the internet changed the world and this will be the same. Have a plan

Watters: I was walking in my street, a car drives by and I give him a wave. He rolls down the window and says, “F U fascist.” He doesn’t know I’m a fascist! Jessica: Yes, he does. You’re on TV.

eating lunch at chipotle and the local high school just had a massive walkout to protest ICE and as part of that like 200 kids are now in line for lunch and I’ve never seen such panic in the employees’ eyes

do you know how fucked everything has to be for DAVID HOGG to be like “it’s okay for people to have guns”

we are mere days away from ICE using a taser on a toddler with a Peppa Pig backpack

it’s funny when No Doubt’s Spiderwebs comes on the radio and you hear the word “loophole” more in those 3 minutes than you do for the rest of the year combined

“ICE officers are the most unhinged people alive” okay well what about the people still watching Grey’s Anatomy

It’s a shame he’s just the most despicable person ever bc he honestly is quite funny. Like not on purpose but the end result is objectively hilarious

ME: what do you mean take two of “deez” and call you in the morning? Two of what? DOCTOR WHO IS ABOUT TO BE FIRED: *takes deep breath*

Epstein Files still not released, huh

just a thought maybe we shouldn’t be giving our lowest-IQ racists badges and firearms after less training than it takes to become a barista

How dare you doubt George Conway is a real Democrat? He just texted asking for money

person delivering my food: almost there, just need to snap a quick photo before I go me answering the door in a suit and tie: oh. got it, a photo of the food being dropped off

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths