"Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is my favorite song about all you can eat shrimp at Sizzler

Biblically speaking… The pronouns were: hebrews/shebrews/thembrews.

Only psychos eat their fries with a fork

Look if you ever see me in restaurant eating a salad...I've been kidnapped and this is my signal for help

An assasin who's only weapon is blowing the cover off the straw really hard.

me: *gets something in my eye* brain: put your finger in there too

Me, sleepless at 3 am: Do I even have what New Kids on the Block called the Right Stuff?

If I had a time machine I’d grab a gun and go back and shoot anything trying to evolve from sea to land

If you tell me you liked country music before Beyoncé imma look at you like a dirty hipster. Go back to Portland!

every four to six weeks. (for work) I have a punch card and this one's free lmao I'm doing IPL at home, but it's Slow.

ice and wine, I'll be fine😎

As a dad I believe it’s my duty to embarrass my kids every chance I get, whether it’s with bad dad dancing at family weddings, telling funny stories about them to their friends, or pointing to them as public proof that someone has had the sex with me at least 3 times.

Yes I am ashamed of the smell

Biden is apparently hardcore committed to consistently choosing the solution that pisses off both sides

I never count favors...just make sure you got me like I got you

if Netflix has one more price hike I'm dusting off the DVD player

Look nobody wants to hear about your diet.... just shut up eat your rice cakes, and be sad

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad?? Me: I'm crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can't

Feeling pretty sexy (discarding my healthy snack for a can of ravioli at 4 p.m.)

Look, if I say that's not a good place to lay an egg, just trust I'm looking out for you

I'm no expert, but I think eating cold chicken over the kitchen sink at four in the morning is a pretty healthy coping mechanism

No please mister motorcycle guy turn up that wonderful country music so we can all enjoy it here waiting at the red light

Survival Tip: If you see a bear, DO NOT PANIC! See if any of its cubs are nearby. Pick up as many cubs as you can carry. Bears will not attack anyone holding their cubs.

Sometimes I wish it was socially acceptable to talk to other people. Not often. But sometimes.

WHERE IS THE PINK ICING, JEFF?! Don’t even tell me you don’t eat it or I stg…

Pulled a hamstring while I was prospecting for gold. Don’t worry. It’s just a miner injury.

The early bird gets the worm and on weekends it also gets the morning wood.

How much for that goth dolphin? Marine Biologist: That’s an orca whale.

You don’t need that fiber brownie Lorraine. You’re already gassy.

I blew up the Moon for you please respond

Not only is it legal to kill someone who says “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” it’s illegal not to

I don’t want to walk in beauty like the night I want to become a bog witch

It’s a beautiful evening to be mad at everything.

Outside touching ass cause it’s been a tough week

I wish those people who yell 'eat a dick' at me would be so kind as to share a good recipe too

Had 2 bad days so now I get 3 good ones. Don’t you even try and tell me anything differently

All this crazy wasn’t easy it took years to perfect

I can be your reply girl. Just sign the disclaimer with the terms and conditions.

calling in sick to work after landing a kickflip while also having covid symptoms

Don’t let your babies grow up to be assholes.

I have a lot of romantic ideas, but not enough duct tape to make them come true.

Accountants are the last class of people we can openly make fun of

Life hack: if you tell the officer you were speeding because of the crescendo in a Pat Metheny song, you’ll be sent on your way with only a warning