I’m the MacGyver of connecting dots seemingly out of nowhere

Fuck, really needed that moisturizer. More like ashy January

Old Hobbits Die Hard: Bilbo’s Last Adventure.

soup of the day: an extra squirt of big mac sauce

Im only being the bigger person so I can crush you to death.

dry january is over. humidified february has begun

Hulking out twice a day on average now. Stopped wearing shirts two weeks ago. Can't afford it.

Riding off into the sunset on a man’s moustache like it’s a noble steed.

*looks up from blow job* Are you gonna repost me now?

my mother explaining EXACTLY how she wants her food prepared as my father silently pleads with the server not to spit in it

of all the opium dens i’ve been in this one has the most reply guys

Delicious if true: Grape Nuts

Fit check: Nope, still not

look this is simple people the enemy of my enemy isn’t my friend they’re my first enemy once removed

Urinal is short for urine Albert

Trying to determine if my system will tolerate a 3rd nap today

still crazy after all these years

i have too many kids and too many pets to serve food without a hair in it this is a hair house

there once was a lady who hastened, to tell you that you would be chastened, if you’re out in the snow, and its 15 below, & your coat is not properly fastened oh goddamn the fucking English language😡

the theater is screening DOS Boot

[on a date] so are you any good with glands

We gotta go back, Marty. Back to the FUPA.

We all have that one avocado that won't ripen

“Thank you for your attention to this matter.” - physics professors

Life hack: wake up pretending every morning you’ll get laid. Doesn’t change anything, but the delusion is free.

a hard boiled egg is nature’s way of saying here’s protein but first peel my trauma

him: wanna do something kinky? me: yeah, tie me up and feed me taffy so I can’t pick it out of my teeth him: me: you can have some too

We out here peddling butthole jokes for 30 likes.

My haters are calling an emergency meeting

LotR: The Fellowship of the Sausage

Masturbating with Fish Sticks: A Memoir

I would have been a marathon runner if I didn’t prefer sleeping in and sitting on couches.

[aquarium] ME: ooh look at the chorse WIFE: it’s seahorse ME: i know how to spell chorse linda

Less successful Dr. Seuss sequels: - Cop on Pop - Green Eggs and Manwich™ - How the Grinch Stole Kidneys - The Cat in the Witness Protection Program

If you are being influenced by an influencer, stop right now before it's too late

My mom's sister is a lot older than her so I called her an 'auntique' and lets just say I won't be invited to any more family birthdays.

When I had covid I lost my sense of smell. When I hurt my back I lost my sense of humor.

sorry for being so sexy and mysterious

My ex left our marriage on an escape goat.

Why just think about it, when you can overthink about it.

Barry kept himself in shape for work by spending three days a week at the gym and one at the bowling alley.

woke up refreshed and ready to seize the day and sarcastic as fuck

Dis pleasure’s all mine.

selling one way tickets to the sun, hmu

your girl bro. she brought freixenet to a mateus party bro. she's confused the rich and varied winemaking traditions of the portuguese with those of the spaniards bro. she shouldn't conflate iberian frizzantes like that my guy.

“You sound crazy! Keep talking!”

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO MAKE YOU RANDOMLY PACE FOR AN HOUR WHILE YOU ARGUE VIA TEXT

they can’t all be bangers but, some of us get pretty close

We’re going to be okay. I promise. Not you though, you’re a piece of shit.