Are hashtags deceased?

Morgan’s nails on High Potential are my Met Gala.

I give this year’s Oscars 6/10 for being safe, cutting the mic too soon, and not having any slaps. Try again next year.

Now it’s John Rzeznik’s turn to make a video showing where he was in the ‘90s, and it just cuts to him singing Iris.

today’s workout brought to you by: meeting an amazingly funny and kind human from this world in real life (!) and making her partake in my aqua dance aerobics. thank you @im-all-id.me for a great day 🫶🏼

What the great philosophers failed to consider is my feelings

I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle

[me, meeting someone] this must be your unlucky day

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

“Your slipper, sir.” “Where is the other one, Alfred?” “I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”

I’ve never been good at remembering idioms, but you can’t win a mall.

MAMDANIIIII

Goooood morning Vietnam.

[wedding] PRIEST: repeat after me GROOM: after me PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious BRIDE: no his name is gary

Are there any two brothers more different than Tim Burton and Tyrese Hali-Burton?

Mr. Antiwar President has us inches away from a Civil War at home and a nuclear war abroad in defense of an ally that is starting random hot regional wars to detract from its ongoing genocide. I’m sure all of this will just naturally cool off.

The hardest part of being an NBA rookie is getting your team to call you by your old nickname, “Stretch.”

I like the sound of the Tonya awards better.

At age seven, my daughter can unlock my phone with her face. I think it’s cool that we look alike, but I hate that it only works when she frowns.

Happy Spring! Not to brag, but I can sneeze just from looking at a picture of flowers.

The girl from Regarding Henry and the kid from Ted Lasso are practically twins. I don’t have anyone to tell about this.

Now if TJ Maxx and Marshalls would roll back DEI I may finally be able to save for a vacation.

Strom Thurmond and Elon Musk both catching Ls. Rough night for racists.

Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?

Leave Jaden alone. He’s got a lot on his mind.

I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.

Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.

I’m in for $50 seed money

I miss people staying six feet away from me

My Shark Tank pitch is a cereal decanter with a slim compartment where you slide in the back panel of the cereal box so your kid can still enjoy breakfast.

You need to develop atomic habits to be able to read Atomic Habits, and that is just unacceptable to me.

Cocktail party guy: What do you do? Me: I critique. I’m opinionated. CPG: You…write op-eds? You’re a critic? Me: Not exactly. I make snarky comments on viral posts and get thousands of likes.

is there a… mrs violent, unkempt drifter? oh, ther- there is? she’s a sock you drew eyes on with raccoon blood?

tsa agent: sorry, you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less. me: ok, just toss it out then. Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

Post a gif of your comfort show

big day coming up for people who like dinner

Who decided we’re making hearts with our hands without using thumbs now? It’s ageist.

vampire at the grocery store trying to decide between whole blood, low fat blood, or plant based blood substitute

This election, please remember to vote no on proposition Donald Trump.

It's very funny when NPR is interviewing an expert in something and it all feels fairly normal and evenhanded and then at the end they're like "and that was Christopher Halliburton from the Center for Exploding Venezuela"

If magic isn’t real how do you explain me paying $5,000 for magic beans

Bluesky now has over 10 million users, and I was #82,534!

There is something so awkward and droopy about Basset hounds. People who choose them are probably really good at folding a fitted sheet.

My skincare regimen is go nowhere, and do nothing.

It is commonly thought that the haves kill the have nots for sport, but it’s not true; they only kill each other. I saw it on BritBox.

Lost your sense of smell? Maybe you have long covid or maybe someone nearby just used Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer.

Whenever I see recipes on Instagram for 3-ingredient cookies I think, “Well an apple is a one-ingredient cookie.”

“What did I say, Tom?” “Don’t swing on the branches?” “Don’t swing on the branches.” “I know, but-“ “And what did you do?” “Just hear me out...” “What did you do, Tom?” “I-I swung on the branches.” “You swung on the branches.” “You made it look so easy.” “Just give me your hand.”