Abbi Crutchfield
@curlycomedy.bsky.social
📤 6545
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Hulu, Comedy Central, truTV, NBC, and CBS • I joke a lot.
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Things I am learning to live without: Getting up fast Sitting down quietly Keeping my arms raised for longer than a minute Looking to the right
about 2 years ago
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Are hashtags deceased?
6 days ago
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Morgan’s nails on High Potential are my Met Gala.
20 days ago
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I give this year’s Oscars 6/10 for being safe, cutting the mic too soon, and not having any slaps. Try again next year.
2 months ago
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Now it’s John Rzeznik’s turn to make a video showing where he was in the ‘90s, and it just cuts to him singing Iris.
2 months ago
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jordan [ham]
2 months ago
today’s workout brought to you by: meeting an amazingly funny and kind human from this world in real life (!) and making her partake in my aqua dance aerobics. thank you
@im-all-id.me
for a great day 🫶🏼
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Viktor Winetrout
2 months ago
What the great philosophers failed to consider is my feelings
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Jason, ex Inferis
2 months ago
I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle
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born miserable
2 months ago
[me, meeting someone] this must be your unlucky day
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Ygrene
10 months ago
i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane
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Uncle Duke
11 months ago
“Your slipper, sir.” “Where is the other one, Alfred?” “I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
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I’ve never been good at remembering idioms, but you can’t win a mall.
11 months ago
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MAMDANIIIII
11 months ago
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Goooood morning Vietnam.
11 months ago
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FROVO
11 months ago
[wedding] PRIEST: repeat after me GROOM: after me PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious BRIDE: no his name is gary
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Are there any two brothers more different than Tim Burton and Tyrese Hali-Burton?
11 months ago
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Tim Onion
11 months ago
Mr. Antiwar President has us inches away from a Civil War at home and a nuclear war abroad in defense of an ally that is starting random hot regional wars to detract from its ongoing genocide. I’m sure all of this will just naturally cool off.
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The hardest part of being an NBA rookie is getting your team to call you by your old nickname, “Stretch.”
11 months ago
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I like the sound of the Tonya awards better.
12 months ago
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At age seven, my daughter can unlock my phone with her face. I think it’s cool that we look alike, but I hate that it only works when she frowns.
about 1 year ago
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Happy Spring! Not to brag, but I can sneeze just from looking at a picture of flowers.
about 1 year ago
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The girl from Regarding Henry and the kid from Ted Lasso are practically twins. I don’t have anyone to tell about this.
about 1 year ago
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Now if TJ Maxx and Marshalls would roll back DEI I may finally be able to save for a vacation.
about 1 year ago
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Drew Dixon
about 1 year ago
Strom Thurmond and Elon Musk both catching Ls. Rough night for racists.
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Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?
about 1 year ago
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Leave Jaden alone. He’s got a lot on his mind.
over 1 year ago
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I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.
over 1 year ago
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Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.
over 1 year ago
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Greg Ward
over 1 year ago
I’m in for $50 seed money
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Dumb Beezie
over 1 year ago
I miss people staying six feet away from me
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My Shark Tank pitch is a cereal decanter with a slim compartment where you slide in the back panel of the cereal box so your kid can still enjoy breakfast.
over 1 year ago
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You need to develop atomic habits to be able to read Atomic Habits, and that is just unacceptable to me.
over 1 year ago
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Cocktail party guy: What do you do? Me: I critique. I’m opinionated. CPG: You…write op-eds? You’re a critic? Me: Not exactly. I make snarky comments on viral posts and get thousands of likes.
over 1 year ago
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merritt
over 1 year ago
is there a… mrs violent, unkempt drifter? oh, ther- there is? she’s a sock you drew eyes on with raccoon blood?
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Jo
over 1 year ago
tsa agent: sorry, you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less. me: ok, just toss it out then. Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what
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Post a gif of your comfort show
add a skeleton here at some point
over 1 year ago
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Ygrene
over 1 year ago
big day coming up for people who like dinner
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Who decided we’re making hearts with our hands without using thumbs now? It’s ageist.
over 1 year ago
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Pru
over 1 year ago
vampire at the grocery store trying to decide between whole blood, low fat blood, or plant based blood substitute
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This election, please remember to vote no on proposition Donald Trump.
over 1 year ago
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Abbi Crutchfield
KAFUI 🇬🇭
about 2 years ago
It's very funny when NPR is interviewing an expert in something and it all feels fairly normal and evenhanded and then at the end they're like "and that was Christopher Halliburton from the Center for Exploding Venezuela"
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Viktor Winetrout
over 1 year ago
If magic isn’t real how do you explain me paying $5,000 for magic beans
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Bluesky now has over 10 million users, and I was #82,534!
over 1 year ago
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There is something so awkward and droopy about Basset hounds. People who choose them are probably really good at folding a fitted sheet.
over 1 year ago
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My skincare regimen is go nowhere, and do nothing.
almost 2 years ago
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It is commonly thought that the haves kill the have nots for sport, but it’s not true; they only kill each other. I saw it on BritBox.
almost 2 years ago
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Lost your sense of smell? Maybe you have long covid or maybe someone nearby just used Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer.
almost 2 years ago
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Whenever I see recipes on Instagram for 3-ingredient cookies I think, “Well an apple is a one-ingredient cookie.”
about 2 years ago
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Uncle Duke
about 2 years ago
“What did I say, Tom?” “Don’t swing on the branches?” “Don’t swing on the branches.” “I know, but-“ “And what did you do?” “Just hear me out...” “What did you do, Tom?” “I-I swung on the branches.” “You swung on the branches.” “You made it look so easy.” “Just give me your hand.”
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