Had a bagel this morning

Hello Keith this is your agent I’m advising you to keep posting

I simply refuse to believe she’s 32. That is the cosmetic work of a much older woman pretending to be 32.

My work systems are still functioning

🎶 old mcdonald replaced his farm with an energy intensive data center, a i a i o 🎶

live action moana is reaching levels of pointlessness and disrespect for animation as a medium that i should be, but am not, shocked that disney is capable of

Daily reminder that the Pedo in Chief has done everything in his power to kill the Epstein files abomination but has never denied raping little kids.

Editors have a really hard job, and the good ones can make something unreadable readable, and the great ones can make something unreadable into something good. But they're basically invisible, until someone tries to write without one.

lots of women thirst after monstrous creatures, whether it's the Ghoul from Fallout, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, or RFK Jr.

Rip Oscar Wilde you would have loved Substack

Yeah yeah twitters down so I’m here again what about it

future grandchild: like shit, from an ass? me in 30 years: Swear to God. Then he demolished the White House

Please Blue Jay, save us from the great Satan

Teared up thinking about Hubie Halloween this morning

Today’s the day!!!!

What do we all have planned for my birthday tomorrow

Spent the weekend “in DC”

laughing so hard at this I’m about to rupture my diaphragm why even bother redacting his name

Mamdani: I’m focused on affordability Cuomo: Christopher Columbus is a personal hero Sliwa: parade lives matter

This Instagram post censoring "hell" is another point for the "everyone is twelve now" theory.

Every photo of Newsom he looks like Nicholson trying to hide the fact he's the joker lmao

fuck yes i can't wait for the insanely stupid schism this is gonna cause

it's cum

If I had explain American history in one sentence, I could do worse than "John Brown was hung for treason, but Robert E. Lee was not."

Netflix dropping the disruptor act to actually try and make some money is an honest-to-god indication that the economy is in shambles

could be anyone!

this tweet turns 10 today 🎂🥳

He’s friendly!

*Talking to a Wired reporter who is writing down what I say* I am the proud owner of a Cybertruck, it has an AI in it that I talk to for therapy, I am now divorced and yes it's because of the truck

It’s not illegal to send someone a text bluntly saying you would like to have sex with them

It terrifies me to know that several human beings are going to look at their Friday Night, one of a finite amount of Friday nights you will ever experience, and decide to go see Tron: Ares

Me the second alcohol touches my lips: Name 5 times PTA said something about Tom Cruise that made me cry before you speak on their relationship

I agree that when Mitch McConnell falls you should just leave him there. But. For a different reason.

“i was married, but i’m not married anymore. women don’t like the vehicle.”

my god there has never been a more accurate use of this

they put me on the starter pack for annoying people

Clippy is back and he’s pissed

Every time I start posting regularly on another microblogging platform I forget how to do it

Sunbeam babayyyy

Ee-Aye-Ee-Aye-Oh

Six years after his arrest and death, Jeffrey Epstein still commands headlines and drives heated political discourse. That has somewhat complicated the day-to-day lives of other guys named Jeffrey Epstein:

Great movie

Same lmk

Okay I’m still trying to find all of Marisatomay/Jailedamanda nation #OverHere if anyone wants to help with that and rt

ugh. boss just asked if I could put in a few extra hours in the lab tonight. we’re on a crazy deadline and “someone’s gotta make sure the monster stays on the slab” 🙄 the monster’s not going anywhere! he’s literally chained to the slab!!! this sucks.