if I were elected mayor of a city I too would insist that every ceremony took place in an abandoned tunnel or secret passage of some kind

if you don't have the moral clarity necessary to rawdog a basket of fries by yourself we aren't compatible

Then Frog and Toad went out onto the front porch to wait for the mail. They sat there, feeling happy together.

the world needs jazz fusion

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

two conversations happening all over oklahoma this week: 1. hottest christmas week in living memory, 30 degrees over seasonal average 2. hey hey, gas under two bucks a gallon

It would have been so funny if this had happened with One Direction

yeah i run the downtonabbey_dril account. basically i take a scene from downtown abbey and put one of ten dril posts i’ve saved over it. i try to make it the most applicable one, but let’s be honest: corn cob is always gonna do numbers. yeah no the door actually locks from the outside

yes I’m happy to clarify. when I do it it’s called discourse. when you do it it’s running off at the mouth all wild style and whatnot. these are just technical terms

Dentists get depressed because they deal with the only part of the skeleton you can see, which is pretty spooky, so they’re getting spooked all day

deadass?

i can't believe you're doing this to me. i can't believe you're living in a floating egg right now

"Did you see what Mark Cuban posted? Oh did you see the clapb—" You shake yourself awake in the cold North Atlantic water. You are not online. It is July of 1858. You are a baleen whale, and you have changed your mind. The future most not come to pass. The telegraph cable must break.

the shit I care least in the whole world about is whether the story about the Earl of Sandwich is true. yes it fucking was. my man was playing cards and eating meat with his hands and then he said hold up check this out. you won't believe this shit. bring me some fucking bread & hold onto your hats

Watching a movie about a lonely heart who comes out of their shell to form a found family with an unlikely group of strangers. That’s right, Alien (1979) is a Christmas movie

I wrote the captions on this video the night Osama Bin Laden was killed and it’s probably the most shared thing I ever created.

thank you, Mr. President

[somberly] You cannot serve both god and money [upbeat music hits] Until now. Introducing god as a service

the elite consensus seems to be congealing around "disrupting" health insurance and giving you discounts on vitamins and a savings card for medicine to use when the worst happens. best cSe scenario you'll get a thousand bucks a year to buy your health on the open market. gig economy health care

It's the night when The Bean Elf puts beans in all the good little kids stockings

Remember the 1920s when nobody was left-handed

up there with this classic:

yes i believe daniel craig’s character in knives out is named knives out. move past it

my mom neglected to tell me about a hilarious statuette my granddad had when he died and now my uncle has it. I Need It

Jesus: I am the light of the world Jesus’s brother Jeff: Here we go

a grinch is the offspring of a who and a sneetch. and like a mule, is genetically sterile

Viral coffee hole

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

Goldilocks waking up:

"Nobody seems to have the cilantro gene in Mexico" yeah because they genetically selected away from it. Because it's a weakness

if i had to be cursed with life, glory be to god for allowing me to share time with ritz crackers

it takes me very little exposure to danny mcbride shows to start talking like a danny mcbride character

nice argument. unfortunately for you i have already portrayed you as the passed out and drooling sleeptime bear and me as the alert, confident and powerful throat cooler koala

let’s admit - as the 27th letter of the alphabet. i mean why not? just look at that little squirt. c’mon

when you're conceived, your "self" begins borrowing matter from the universe like checking out books from a library. in a tub your feet exchange particles with the water. where do you end and begin? that's why it's ontologically impossible to get mad at me for stealing pens from the bank. they're me

I love my two blackout drunk Minnesota sons

SNAP benefits should be universal, with zero means testing, and generous. Even from a purely capitalist perspective this would benefit the economy massively. The only reason to be against this is because you're pro-suffering.

It's time! Behold the Christmas hedgehog! From Verdun, Bibl. mun., ms. 0107, f. 008. Our thanks as always to @etreharne.bsky.social who found her.

Absolutely nobody asked for this BUT English Anglican cathedrals that have burned down, fallen over, and sank into the swamp: a thread.

crazy work to do this when dawanna witt is up for reelection in 2026

and also with you

when people say to "listen to your body" i dont think they understand my body is telling me to eat a plate of mini quiches for lunch 24/7

christmas has gotten so far from its religious roots, wish we could celebrate our holidays like medieval christians (cross-dressing, being told by the bishop to stop cross-dressing, resolutely refusing to stop cross-dressing, threatening the bishop in defense of cross-dressing)

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Worker. Dominick the Donkey? Worker. Little Drummer Boy? Worker. Frosty the Snowman? Unclear but he’s rude to cops. (1/85)