1800’s doctor writing you a prescription

Death to everywhere having an app retvrn to loyalty cards that get a hole punch every time you make a purchase

From the creators of God Friended Me comes a new sitcom Jesus Joined My Fantasy Football League. Wednesdays on CBS

Dogs are so funny you could scr them for an hour and as soon as you stop they’re like “one more scratch pls”

Nice abyss, you gaze into it much?

I heard Shrek lives in Miami now

Mr. President you must use your powers to bring back Morbius for a third time

The worst part of thanksgiving is how long it takes to microwave a whole turkey

Back away, banana breath. What the hell did you just eat? A banana?

A tale as old as time

I went to put a frozen pizza in the oven and the instructions said to cook for 9-16 minutes. That’s too big of a difference!

I considered writing a long carefully constructed argument laying out the harms and limitations of AI, but instead I wrote about being a hater. Only humans can be haters.

Would you like to add one year hoist-free warranty to your petard purchase today? Yes >No

The FBI is going to put everyone with a “kill your local pedophile” sticker on their lifted truck on a watchlist for threatening the president

“Uh hey u gotta get new tags for your license plate those r outta date“ “The president is a pedophile laws aren’t real so actually I don’t“

Ok it makes sense why powerful people go nuts over “AI can write your emails for you” when this is how they do it normally lol. Also the content of the email is striking too

sorry

Yeah totally boss, I’m on it...yeah big presentation…uh huh…working hard on it right now

This applies to Dick Cheney as well

During winter we should get hibernation day. Which are like sick days, but for when you are really warm in bed and don’t want to go into work.

The best part about daylight savings is relitigating meal times with the cat

I’m gonna start a new bit where I tell people “common spelling“ for my name. Then when I see it spelled I’m gonna make a bunch of off the wall corrections to it.

The bathroom at work is being haunted by the stench of someone’s rank shit

I hope you know that every time I like on of the cat pictures you post I expect you to go and tell the cat how beautiful they are

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works and let me know if you have any questions! 🤗

One time I thought I saw a rat in my backyard and threw a brick killing it. Upon inspection it was a baby possum. With tears in my eyes I went to get a shovel to scoop it into the trash. I returned to find the possum gone. It had been playing possum! I am the rat dunce.

IT GUY WHO POSTS ON GRUNTSTYLE FB: Valhalla awaits us brothers ACTUAL ARMY GRUNT: what’s up TikTok it’s your boy Jesse27 today I’m doing the cinnamon challenge in my asshole ACTUAL SPECOPS GUY: (lying burned and dead in his car from a heroin deal gone wrong)

No babe it was research for my post. I had to make sure they had a comment section! If I said they had one and they didn’t I’d get ratioed! What do you mean “was it worth it?”, do 5 likes and a comment mean nothing to you? Wait…where are you going?

Not right now honey. I’m in the middle of a flame war in the PornHub comments section

I knew a guy in the army who had a slight stutter. We didn’t give him a hard time, except once. He was saying occasionally but it came out as caucasianally. We died laughing imaging a new word caucasianally adverb meaning infrequently done in a way or fashion similar to white people

You should be watching the U.S. Open Cup including the qualifying rounds

I actually eliminated 86% of microplastics from my ejaculate, but I guess 85% is cool.

She’s been reiterating my need to “embrace robe life” she wants to go as long as possible without turning on the heat because “fuck those greedy shits at Spire energy“

WE ARE COMING, FATHER ABRAHAM, THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MORE, FROM MISSISSIPPI'S WINDING STREAM AND FROM NEW ENGLAND'S SHORE. WE DARE NOT LOOK BEHIND US BUT STEADFASTLY BEFORE. WE ARE COMING, FATHER ABRAHAM, THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MORE!

When I say back the blue this is who I mean

Grocery store is embracing the “a few small beers” lifestyle selling loose Modelitos in the checkout line.

when i say that i yelped in shock at this kid’s sign

Neighbor: I’ve been really pleased with the education my kids have been getting at the Montessori school. Me: You let your kids go to a school where they seal their nemesis behind a stone wall!?

I’m thinking of converting to Canadianism so I can have an extra thanksgiving

Call her Montresor the way she got me bricked up

Wanting to go do a little fascism with the boys but then you’re so fat it causes a national scandal is hilarious

There’s a lane for any struggling major daily to become the national newspaper of the left and nobody wants to take that mantle. Absolutely pathetic ownership class.

They got a whole Wikipedia page of guys being hoisted by their own petards

Singing the Garth Brooks song “Callin’ Baton Rouge“ but all the lyrics are changed so it’s about calling my cat while on a work trip

I’m already ready to have a few small beers 5 o’clock on Friday can’t get here soon enough

Tonight! New pictures of local cryptid “The Ugly Dumbass” circulate on social media. We ask experts what the mysterious creature might be. *blurry photo of me on a park bench eating a sandwich*