When you have cats nothing scares you anymore. That thumping on your door late at night? Cats! That disembodied yowling coming from behind the drapes? Cats! That shadow slinking up and down the stairs? Cats! Haha! Cats!

You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.

More like ex-wives

Real Housewives of Men Who Collect Records

act of self care - slamming your face into your cats soft belly

quitting my day job to become a full time shitposter with a great sponsorship deal *tips my head back and pours Doritos crumbs directly into my mouth; turns to camera and smiles*

Steve is in the garden, hiding from his bar tab.

first inks of june

society was much better when Dumb Guys stayed in their lanes

Who we used to have to buy weed from before legalization

Who we still have to buy weed from since legalization hasn’t passed here yet

do i *have* to join the russian mob or can i just wear the velvet track suits

I typically find jokes about any illnesses utterly devoid of empathy and in poor taste, but one of my cats (R.I.P) had Diabetes so we (I) use/d humor to cope. He lived to 15 and we managed it successfully for 5 years. Vet said that was pretty impressive. ❤️

Every day I wake up and choose somewhat irritated.

In Hell, you are perpetually stuck between the tailgaiter and the asshole going 10 under the speed limit.

Woke up to a creepy Waz up? DM [Eww], a FB Poke [Gross], and an “I hate to ask you this, but” (proceeds to ask me) [Hell no] The time change has people losing their damn minds.

I genuinely could not care less about what people buy with food stamps. I wouldn't even give a shit if they used them to buy cigarettes and vodka

When your pet head- butts you, that’s their version of Boop!

gone mad

I don't want AI. I want to stop filling out my entire medical history every time I go to the same doctor

Scully: it's hard to imagine anyone having sex with a perfect stranger these days.

New psychopath test, if they don’t involuntarily utter Boop! when looking at a photo of a cute dog, well I think we have our answer.

I'm not asking for much, just mutual worship in all that we do

little known fact: the spice girls bonded over their shared love of hot sauce and frank herbert’s dune

Fawaffle (falafel waffle)

This is how I’m gonna look every time someone dislikes one of my posts

It's still Halloween in my heart. Tiny goblins built a Halloween superstore in my left ventricle.

Hush

hey bub, why don’t you make like a tree and grow deep, stable roots that’ll nourish and sustain you for years to come

Morning.

The first (1955) Danish edition of Ray Bradbury’s FAHRENHEIT 451. Later editions did not convert the title, so this is the only SI-compatible edition! 🎢

Yes, yes, but how does that relate to the one thing I'm obsessed with

a remake of ocean’s 11 but this time they just try and steal some groceries

This is how I’m gonna look every time someone dislikes one of my posts.

This is how I’m gonna look every time someone dislikes one of my posts.

I see this little argument about Wonder Woman being brunette… Reminder! Wonder Woman is within all of us, and sometimes, she has blonde hair like Sabrina Carpenter! 💫

😭😂 honestly you’re lucky if you get saved in my phone at all but this is very accurate

Without even thinking, complimented a couple of strangers tonight, “Hey, love those thigh-high black suede platform boots”, and, “Killer led light-up 8” disco ball, dude - Where’d you pick that up?” and ended up in conversations about shoes, quantum entanglements, and Isaac Asimov. Win-Win situation

Cats are liquid Especially on Halloween 🎃🐈‍⬛🎃

Hannya Reverse watercolor 9”x12”

two swords ✨⚔️✨

Headless #Halloween #Art by Justin O'Neal

SHELVE YOUR AXE, TODAY YOU WILL BATTLE SELF DOUBT. AND YOU WILL WIN.

"You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear, You’ve got to be taught from year to year... You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late, Before you are six or seven or eight, To hate all the people your relatives hate— You’ve got to be carefully taught!" --Rogers & Hammerstein, "South Pacific"

🐈‍⬛🎃💀 #HappyHalloween #Art by Brandon James Scott