Culture is chock full of gods and ghosts, language the drift of the spirit away from the meat and bones of its origin.

[dabbing perfume on my neck] This could be the night when the Abyss gazes back into me.

After an intense examination of the premises I found my missing cup of coffee in the shower.

When people take more than 3 seconds to hang up after saying Ok Bye I’m like

If you’re not coming with that, “Let’s drink Cabernet until our lips turn purple” energy, you should definitely ring the New Year in with someone else.

I went into an extremely crowded store. I had a cart and there was nowhere to push it and nowhere to put it and nowhere to stop and look. When I went to the next store, I did not get a cart. Freedom washed over me. Zipping through crowds, light on my feet, an unencumbered sprite.

Hear me out: The Gronkch

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn”

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn”

pls miss me with the rigamarole

Thinking I’m going to get fired for being sassy and snarky in an email, then realizing I actually just sound matter-of-fact, logical, and polite after reading it again is top Virgo behavior.

A few years ago I saw someone say that dating someone with ADHD is like microdosing Wikipedia and I’m still recovering from that wound

I'm not a hermit because I don't understand people, I'm a hermit because I do

My ears feel like they spontaneously spurt blood every time I click on a review video someone turned into ASMR. I hate them SO much. They make me want to bash my head against a wall and rip the remaining fragments of my brain out of my skull.

THIS NIGHTMARE WILL BE IN FULL COLOR

They should make cat toys that the cat can actually disembowel, like lil plushie intestines can spill out of the cat toy

Raising Arizona.

falling down a long flight of stairs in front of a bunch of people would be an embarrassing way to die

Someone mispronounced 'gamut' on a podcast I was listening to the other day and I'm still mad about it

My neutered cat has a new nickname (Horn Dawg) and a new girlfriend (super fluffy blanket) I sit here giggling at my little Lothario and his discovery of this newfound and pointless pleasure.

Next Halloween I'm handing out Zippo lighters.

I have several social media accounts that by themselves could pass the age verification process. And my mobile phone number is from the 1900s.

“omg gloves made out of paper towels” -me, stoned and eating chicken wings

How timezones affect social media perceptions

By the tapping of my thumbs, Something wiki'd this way comes.

Terry: 🖤🤍 📸unknown.

ME: *explaining my symptoms to a doctor* it feels like my body is full of 10,000 snakes, all hissing at each other. sometimes one bites another, and that part of me is lost MY DOCTOR, WHO IS 10,000 SNAKES IN A LAB COAT: yesss yesssss, thiss isss all very normal for humansssss

it’s the inner Cheech in me that sees the inner Chong in you

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

[Trying to sleep] Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: ᶜᵃˡˡ ʲᵍ ᵂᵉⁿᵗʷᵒʳᵗʰ ⁸⁷⁷ ᶜᵃˢʰ ⁿᵒʷ

No one: Teenage boys walking out the barbers:

I liked your ambiguously worded post because I know exactly what you’re talking about (there is an 80% chance I am wrong).

If at first you don’t succeed, lay down and let the forest absorb you.

Airport workers know that behind every brand new car wrapped with a HUGE red bow in the parking lot at Christmas, there’s a cheating spouse just begging for forgiveness.

Update: In a perfect Monday denouement, it turns out I ruined my entire weekend worrying about something that took 10min to fix.

legitimately

How the Grinch Got His Groove Back

How the Grinch Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

SKULL OF THOMAS AQUINAS: TAKE A LEFT NOW PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going— SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti— SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE

I thought I was mad, but it was just because I had on a winter coat with a shoulder strap purse.

Slay the dragon? Nah Baby gorl, Dragon gonna Slay!

Is it a guilty pleasure for someone who’s 5’2” to have a new obsession for watching videos of taller people struggling to jump on & off their new extra-tall platform beds they added both a box spring and mattress to? Because my tiny lil’ cackling ass doesn’t feel guilty at all. Welcome to our world

Share a Witch with good style. 🧙‍♀️👗

share a witch with good style. 🧙‍♀️👗

Not many left on the shelves this year

I’ve worked in public libraries for 20 years, today was the first time we’ve had to tell someone they couldn’t bring their chainsaw in the library.

hey, people in my phone in my hand, can you help me find my phone

Share a witch with good style 🧙🏻‍♀️