what a horrible night to have a curse. what an absolute horses dusk to be hexed. what a ruinous evening for a malediction

another all-time tweet I am constantly thinking about

u know what? fuk u *devolves ur parliaments*

"prime minister" implies the existence of "second midister" and "third maxister". or something idk

there's no rule in the book that says a dog can't do large-scale electoral fraud

okay bed time for me. gn all! remember to love each other and yourselves 💜

i'm a good person, i shouldn't have to check my emails 😔

(leaving port on a boat in 1910) i need to wave a handkerchief into the wind about this

pronouncing "internet café" like they rhyme

i'm an elite political operator. i have the ears of some very powerful people.. and if they want them back, they'll do what i ask (by text, owing to the no-ears thing)

i hate it when people call me a "sight for sore eyes". i'm a sight for good eyes, great eyes even. i'm a sight for the best damn eyes that've ever seen take your sore eyes to bed for 6-10 hours, bitch. maybe put some drops in them. then your eyes may be worthy

rudy giuliani unalived after autoerotic sewer slide cornography shoot?! sources say "huh?"

"Cliff Racer" would be a great name for a non-binary dunmer shonen anime protagonist

the dua lipa of man

gordon ramsay: you're absolute horses you are me: i'm so sorry chef. i'll do better next time chef gordon ramsay: the stain of this dishonour will not be washed away in this life or the next. you donkey

miniaturisation is a scam by Big Small to sell more less

Stanley Tucci only plays PvE cooking games like Overcooked and PlateUp. hit me up on discord king, let's run a chaotic restaurant

I can't stop thinking about this video since I saw it last night

i'm a single-issue voter. the single issue is that the united states must be destroyed and justice swiftly dealt to all its agents of atrocity, as an example to all who would be or facilitate tyrants

Oh? You believe in poster's bushido? Then cut off your top knot RIGHT NOW for this one

the terrible news is that i still have to use bluesky. that i'm a terrible poster is not news

guys stop it, "it's absolute horses" is my manchurian candidate activation phrase and i'm trying to sleep over here 😢

okay gn everyone, if you could make it so nothing horrible happens overnight that'd be great

hey i don't mean to nag but there was supposed to be enrichment in my enclosure? and instead there's only the unbearable cacophony in my own head

oh is it covid 2026 time? cool. cool cool cool.

ELMER FUDD: ahhhhhwwwaa..... da spice mewange.... found oenwe on da desert pwanet of awwakis

democracy scientists are hard at work inventing a type of voting which changes your material conditions. preliminary results suggest that it will grow out of the barrel of something

i am joining the war on drugs on the side of can i please have, some drugs

you're telling me this kini is bi?

women: what are they, what do they want? to find out, we asked a guy so intellectually & emotionally stunted that the only job he could get was as an evolutionary psychologist

just took 93yr mum to vote, she's registered blind. in a very loud voice she said, "if the soul of this nation is to be redeemed, we must ritually sacrifice keir starmer and wes streeting." a cheer went up from waiting voters

every time i see a sports gambling ad it makes me think unpostable thoughts

one must imagine Sisyphus. waow, look at himb go :)

"i wish *i* was high on pot-enuse!" you joke, unaware that you already are. just as i planned...

Hannibal is a show about 30 horrible freaks picking on one specific freak as part of a twink-tormenting ritual. and there's this weird side-plot about a cannibal or something idk

a while back a pal had a thigh nerve wild out. i took her to urgent care. it's standard to ask if you've had recent surgery. she said we'd gone to bangkok for her SRS 2mo ago. they wouldn't treat her. i took her to an ER. they wouldn't treat her either it's 100% ok to lie to cis docs if you need to

I’m good thanks

that's it! you're getting 4 strikes for that post. you're getting 7 demerits for that memo. you're getting 5 faux pas for that missive. you're getting 3 fines for that trade. you're getting 8 ?s for that text...

bouncing on it heterodox iconoclast free-thinking maverick style (missionary)

sorry i can't go to that thing tonight. yeah im gonna be busy taking poison damage and cycling through the same three grunting sound effects. yeah.

your post was classified as a serious boo boo, adding four goofs to your account, which elevates your permanent record to a gold bungle. we're putting you in the no no zone for a week

MY SISTER: dad you have to stop inviting the stone age ancestral ghost to thanksgiving MY DAD: don't call him that. they had simple copper tools back then ME: come on. you can't say the shit he says about sumerians anymore ABAISH-TAKAL: They worship dogs in Uruk. Their eunuchs are too scrawny

"they're total sweethearts, actually. butter wouldn't melt in their mouths!" the individuals in question:

harassment is when you make fun of a guy for a thing he did, and the funnier the joke the worse harassment it is

hey uhhhhh is this the queue to be mercy-killed?

stop, criminal scum! you've hurt the feelings of a very special boy. it's the gallows for you, fucko

The slow and painful process where the euphoria of the initial discovery of your gender identity and realizing that you're not just some guy yields to the mundanity of actually performing the quotidian acts of femininity and realizing you're just some lady