Old stand-up gag of mine being repurposed by someone who can’t think of their own story. Bless.

Women’s football could be improved by know-it-all men shutting the fuck up about it.

When I was a football-obsessed child - and frankly a not shit as a player - I'd turn up to every training session available. All but one turned me away: "No girls, I'm afraid. FA rules". Now, no girl lacks a place to play. Millions of people are watching England's women win tournaments.

Wasn't going to be anyone else, was it?

Hampton though. Tough as anything. Breakout star. Love her. #TheFootball #Euro2025

Incredible scenes! I don’t really know how to deal with watching an England football team who just win penalty shootouts!

That's Dame Chloe Kelly I think you'll find.

Annnnnnnnnd STILL European Champions!!! What an achievement, what a team!! Kelly and Hampton are fucking heroes!!! I'm off to have finish this heart attack now after all the stress.

If Hannah Hampton has no depth perception, my helpful suggestion for the men's team is that they poke one of Jordan Pickford's eyes out.

Why have we not brought on Aggie Beever-Jones?!

Russoooooo!!

Come on the #Lionesses #Euros2025 #EngVsEsp

I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone

What a frustrating 45mins of football for England fans. Sweden were brilliant and deservedly 2 - 0 up. #Euros #SweVEng

How was Lundkvist not booked there? #Euros #SweVsEng

AC Milan’s full name is air conditioning Milan.

Good luck to Wales and England today at the #Euros 🤞 its a win for both teams

Holy fuck, Robert Smith wt Olivia Rodrigo at #Glastonbury awesome

clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, in a strictly organised clowns and jokers shop

Trans is not an ideology unless you think your right to be who you are is an ideology rather than a basic human right. Let people be who they want to be. Let people do what we all do throughout our lives, just trying to work out how and who to be in a world of challenges.

Currently obsessed trying to clear The Tunnel in #BluePrince Is it possible? There's got to be something down there, right?

Are there two words in the English language loaded with more deception than "peel here"

would you like a single-story long house that has zero light and no storage and a garden shaped like a pencil for the low low price of 450k? Consider London

LOL! Local youths in the park are trying to trick gullible passers-by into paying a €2 fee to sit on the bench 😂😂 Hope no-one's stupid enough to fall for it. It's much more cost-effective to purchase their €25 monthly bench ticket like I did.

Please don't make me be the new pope. I don't want to work at Christmas or weekends and I don't know the words to all the prayers. I AM NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS JOB. I URGE YOU TO CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE.

People who can't create wanting to take the work of those who can so they can keep the profits of it for themselves

Can I make a suggestion for his wake without upsetting anyone

none of Jack or Elon's companies would exist without IP law. Neither of them are offering to give up their patents, trademarks, or other IP. They just hate artists.

"Sorry. The water's quite hard round here." *turns on tap* *Jason Statham squeezes out into the sink* "Making tea, are you? You cunt."

I say this as a sick person, but if you need to take literal handfuls of supplements to get you through the day and are not a sick person or a professional athlete, you might consider trying to sleep past 5 am and without “mouth tape” on and see if that helps.

The world Trump and Musk dream of - anyone who puts their personal profits in jeopardy gets a lengthy prison sentence and anyone who makes them the butt of a joke is beaten up www.chortle.co.uk/news/2025/03...

Wrestler drawings from 2017. When my son was small and I wasn’t selling anything

“I’m doing good things,” I tell myself as I delete the military service of a dead woman. “I’m still a good person.”

Folks, I have been watching TASKMASTER paying close attention (close your ears if you hate spoily things). Here’s what I think, tell me if I’m wrong. I think some of these tasks are made difficult ON PURPOSE.

If you want a break from the horrors of the news, may I suggest a free, six episode horror-comedy-murder-mystery-mock-doc about the world's best loved ventriloquist? Featuring interviews with his former dummy? And suspects getting murdered in increasingly theatrical ways? youtu.be/9wD6ndC_8hI?...

1. Today the Tories unveil their new policy: ripping up the commitment to net zero by 2050. Kemi Badenoch, with no evidence, claims "it can’t be achieved without a serious drop in our living standards or by bankrupting us." What the evidence shows is the opposite. We can't prosper without it. 🧵

🚨BREAKING🚨Trump and Musk to give a presentation to the shareholders wearing matching bomber jackets, calling themselves "co-pilots". The presentation will feature a powerful back-and-forth with Henry Kissinger on the big screen.

Epic idea

JD Vance's favourite Star Trek character is Wesley Crusher.

JD Vance's favourite album is the U2 one that came free with his iPhone.

beaker on magazine covers: thread

I made this procedural puzzle game a while back but never finished or shared it, so I decided to amend that 😁 You can play it here: mattstark.itch.io/landflip

BILLY JOEL: [sings you a song because he is the piano man] BULLY JOEL: [opens the lid of a piano and shoves you in it while giving you a wedgie]

Thought I’d cheer myself up by listening to a podcast about the rise of the Nazis. “Hitler believed himself to be chosen by God to make Germany great again”. So glad we all learned to stop giving people like that power.

The thing I don't understand about horse drawn carriages is, how does the horse hold the pencil with its hooves?

Isabel Oakeshott who spent years complaining of immigrants coming to the UK and not speaking English Has moved to Dubai, where she's an immigrant, and doesn't speak Arabic 🤷‍♂️

“We’re going to be the social network that lets you - encourages you - to say slurs”

The flurry of filings that Trump and his co-defendants have made in recent days can be hard to keep up with. That's my colleagues and I wrote up a handy guide to the grand finale of Trump's criminal prosecutions. Give it a read as we await Trump's sentencing: www.lawfaremedia.org/article/the-...