[starmer at home, curtains drawn, riverdancing expressionlessly as the phone rings off the hook]

Happy New Year!

Right, double or quits in Sydney! It’s ON! #Ashes

i post this story every christmas, and will keep doing so until it stops making me cry merry christmas xx

This is the 15th year of #DuvetKnowItsChristmas, which is preposterous. Rules: if you find yourself dealing with unusual / claustrophobic / gaudy sleeping arrangements this Christmas Eve, share a picture with the world. Use the hashtag (with capitalisation) and cc me if you can be bothered.

Using X to try and put forward a left or even centre point of view in politics is like trying to influence the country via the letters page of the Daily Mail.

Facebook memories reminded me that this happened 5 years ago today. The last piece of advice remains sensible

Well excuse me for trying something new for Christmas dinner

After the latest Epstein release I wonder if any work of art has ever been so traduced, distorted and misunderstood as Nabokov’s Lolita? “Born In the USA” might come close, but not in such a horrific way…

Australia are just a better team. But also England have royally screwed this up and it’s wildly disappointing but not that surprising. A combination of emotions I’ve been getting very used to in recent years. #Ashes

After Snicko has admitted there was an operator error for the Carey edge, presumably that means England should get one extra life in their innings? #ashes

Found myself watching a few minutes of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (against my will) and it made me profoundly miss TV Burp. Harry would have done hilarious things with it

Trump sues the BBC is the stupidest story ever Of course, cover it but please, please point out - early - how stupid it is. And don’t put it at the top of the news. Because it’s really, really stupid.

Trump sues Everybody!

Nobody in The Moral Maze gets eaten by the Moral Minotaur, which is a fundamental flaw in the programme.

Proud to announce my new feature documentary 'TINKY WINKY: MY STORY' will be premiering on Sunday 11th January at The Phoenix Cinema at midday. The screening will be followed by a Q&A with the star. Book now. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/tinky-wink...

not the kind of behavior I expect from the winner of the fifa peace prize

🎄 It’s our End of Year But Your Emails Special this week – so get your questions in for the panel. 🎅 Anything from hardcore politics to the strange and sublime… it’s all down to your imagination. 🎁 Free to everyone, not just Patreons. Find out how to ask your here: www.patreon.com/posts/145703...

—I’ve been asked to baptise the King of Spain’s daughter —Infanta? —No, holy water as usual. Weird thing to ask honestly

Horrible news all over the place at the moment so how about a totally inconsequential conversation? I’m cooking Xmas dinner this year and have had various food requests from family members including onion rings. I’ve never heard of this being a Xmas thing. What are your unusual Xmas food traditions?

There are MPs still interacting with the far right on X. A platform designed and run to undermine the UK and to shatter its values with hatred and violence. They're talking to people who want to deport them and who despise every word they say - and let's face it, don't believe they have any rights.

Found the perfect gift for someone you don’t like

Just awful news from Bondi Beach. Antisemitism is an evil that continues to thrive. My thoughts are with all of my Jewish friends and the whole Jewish community at this horrible time.

My phone just reminded me that exactly 3 years ago I was doing a charity gig in a restaurant for a footballer who I didn’t really know but turned out to be quite famous actually

🇪🇺 NEW EPISODE 🇪🇺 The full horror of Trump’s anti-European “Security Strategy”… Can politics be made TOO simple?… and why Netflix wants to kill cinema. 🎙️ With @mattgreencomedy.com @jasonhazeley.bsky.social @hannahfearn.bsky.social & @jonnelledge.bsky.social 🔉 Listen up linktr.ee/ohgodwhatnow...

You’re all managers? Meeting an office party at The 99 Club… www.99clubcomedy.com

Thank you to everyone who came to my Zoom show last week - as a Christmas treat I'm making the recording available to watch to all of my Ko-Fi supporters for a limited time. So if you're a regular supporter or just fancy seeing what you missed, you can catch up here: ko-fi.com/post/Zoom-sh...

White House Begins Christmas Season With Ceremonial Lighting Of Cross

Hosted @ohgodwhatnow.bsky.social this afternoon and then hosted a Christmas gig tonight. Both of which were a lot of fun. Now on a train and having to resist the urge to chat

Christmas CANCELLED in London 💔🎄

I can’t help thinking that when, in future, people ask what UK political leaders said as it became undeniable that US saw European liberal democracy as its no1 strategic foe, Starmer and others will regret that the answer is “not much, shuffled awkwardly, looked at their feet”.

Just ban everyone on BlueSky for simplicity

This is a great example of the @gralefrit.bsky.social observation that the funniest joke is the one told between family members in the front row of a funeral.

Is this their attempted revenge on everyone who applied for Irish passports after Brexit?

Not had to set this up for a while… it was strangely nostalgic! #zoomshow

This was such a fun way to end the tour. A bit of a lockdown throwback but I’d almost forgotten how enjoyable Zoom shows can be. Thanks to everyone who zoomed in!

This is happening tonight at 7pm! Still tickets available so if you fancy seeing my tour show live on Zoom grab yours here: ko-fi.com/s/3c9776c027

The fightback is on! 🤪 #Ashes

This is happening tonight at 7pm! Still tickets available so if you fancy seeing my tour show live on Zoom grab yours here: ko-fi.com/s/3c9776c027

I love the effect that Ben Stokes had on a moribund team a few years ago. They have produced incredible moments and great performances. The India series was an all timer. But this Ashes has just been a real downer so far (apart from the Root century) #Ashes

Being an England cricket fan during the Ashes is almost as bad as being someone interested in US politics at the moment. Every morning you check your phone and go “FFS”

A quick reminder that I'm doing my last (probably ever) performance of this year's tour show on Sunday 7th December at 7pm on ZOOM! Tickets have been selling fast, and if I sell a few more I'll have to buy a bigger Zoom room! So please do come along! ko-fi.com/s/3c9776c027

But they do very well from the undead

Enjoying a successful last wicket partnership from England for once. Archer can be a brilliant hitter - I've seen him smash a few in the IPL. #Ashes

Roooooooooooooooooooot #Ashes

This has proved quite popular so I’ve added some more tickets for the show on Sunday!

Nice

Excellent! Another online event by Matt Green. Laugher ahoy! ❤️

Didn't manage to catch Matt's show this year as it didn't come anywhere close enough for an evening out. That was a legitimate concern I think? Looking forward to seeing it live on Zoom this Sunday.

One more chance to see my show - online! ko-fi.com/s/3c9776c027 Pls share!