Storm wank pants is bringing her beef so we're off out to stuff ourselves with Italian nosh with my ruddy parents, you know, like the back story of every natural disaster based film.

When you sleep on your arm and it goes completely dead, and then your annoying cuckoo clock alarm goes off and you can't cancel it because your arm is now a boneless, flailing lump of useless meat. No, NO. Good morning to you.

Eating stale cake because stale cake is better than no cake. #Cake

Hands up who else thought the gingham cloth was hiding Mary Berry's mummified remains. #gbbo

Ear worms are GRATE aren't they? This week it's Wham's Bad boys. But only Tu-tu-tu-tu-ru, woo-woo! bit and I really think today might be the day I finally kill.

Shepherds pie at night...angel delight.

It's cool how on all those films where they go searching for ancient relics, the spinny puzzle wheel things that have not been touched for hundreds of years work straight away, yet the padlock on my shed clams up tighter than your mum after only one sodding British winter.

LOOK WITH YOUR EYES!

Strong start. Already muted it. #totp

Fantastic night last night seeing Turin Brakes and Deacon Blue. Bloody smashing stuff.

Having to wear my nana cardigan over my pyjamas now as there's a definite autumnal chill in the air. This has been the weather with Moo.

RAPTURE COMING AT YA.

On my way to the rapture...

What I'm wearing to the rapture...

There really is no way to wash soap out of your bum crack without looking incredibly camp.

Having an awful time...

@kowbayashi.bsky.social happy birthday Moo xx

Autumn is actually Latin for "Everything is spiders"

Unprecedented is it? Oh, you should have said 🙄

It must be killing that cuprinol faced narcissist that there's no public there 😂😂😂

Good to see @captainfanny.co.uk on only connect 🤭

It's blowing a hoolie down here on the south coast. Just been out to mow the front lawn, like some sort of adrenaline junkie.

Just seen someone on YouTube describe themselves as an "amateur rabies expert" #ComeFriendlyBombs

Do people still put the mockers on stuff? Can't remember the last time I mockered anything.

I'm wearing a jumper and socks, like a lumberjack or summat.

It's that time of year on social media when you realise just how many fucken nimrods you know in real life can't spell lightning.

You never really know a person until you've seen them in their slippers.

I'm more surprised that there's any property worth over 800 grand in Clacton.

Yer da buys his pants on Temu.

Just eaten Nutella straight out of the jar, if anyone's wondering how I'm dealing with my back pain.

I was meant to be taking #MamaMoo out today while #PapaMoo plays golf but my knackered back has SCUPPERED that, loves. I've just knocked us up a chicken and broccoli bake and she's on her way round for lunch instead. *Awards self 1 million daughter points*

You can pinpoint the EXACT moment this country went to shit... When they stopped selling Sara Lee double chocolate gateau.

Finished Dept Q today. Bloody top notch telly. Looking forward to series 2.

Attention true crime/serial killer stans... Just seen a trailer for "Monster" The Ed Gein story. Netflix Oct 3rd. Who doesn't love a lonely rural oddbod who enjoys making homewares out of human remains? Good ol' Ed. The original mama's boy.

Friday. Let's all try and get through the day with all our own teeth and fingers and then we'll meet up here later for a cry and a pint.

Look at this beauty living under the house 🥰🐍

JE SUIS RAGIN.

Our neighbour's bin has blown over. It's chaos out there. I'm back at work today. Clearly I am in terrible danger and would be better off staying home.

Watching Mahler's fifth at the proms. Its Adagietto is simply one of the most beautiful pieces of music, it will always move me.

Not saying I keep things for too long but...

Saw yer da in the garden centre...

We're finally getting some rain here on the Costa Del Moo. I swear to god I can actually hear our poor, drought ridden garden sighing.

Everything is getting squarely on my norks today.

Might clean out my phone's belly button in a bit.

Double trouble at SiMoon towers...

We've come for a yomp on t'marsh...

Our (half cut) septuagenarian neighbour brought us round some runner beans and bread yesterday. He did the cha cha cha in our kitchen, high fived us both then left. #Lad

Oh mate #totp

I've had a Stella. I'm ready for a scrap.