Retro Christmas cake, gingerbread biscuits and mince pies... Successful baking day.

CHRISTMAS BAKING DAY HERE AT SIMOON TOWERS. 🥳

MERRY CHRISTMAS. SHITTER WAS FULL.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who enjoys watching videos of Korean office workers loading up their lunch trays in the works canteen.

In some sort of RIDICULOUS NONSENSE the TV programme announcer lady said that 1998 was 27 years ago and now I must cry. #TOTP

Oooh look what's just arrived at SiMoon towers 🥰

On my 18th fucken lap of the fucken supermarket looking for my fucken mother. Seriously considering handing myself in to the customer service desk as a lost child and getting them to put a tannoy out.

Normalise entering a shop from the pissing rain, getting down on all fours and shaking vigorously like an overly hairy dog before going about your purchasings.

It's absolutely belting it down here on the Costa del Moo. Roads are starting to flood, loads of parked cars alarms are going off and I've seen people in shorts and flip-flops. Proper end of days shizzle.

OH HAI. Yesterday was my last day of work until Jan 7th. K THX BYE

Bread sauce: for when you want to feed your family like they're hedgehogs.

Had my tits squeezed and now I'm having a pint. Just like a Saturday night in my twenties...

Today: Last day of term Christmas concert. Mammogram. Pub.

Pork and cabbage leftovers for lunch, like a ruddy Bavarian or summat.

True story

Hear me out...a peanut M&M but the size of an avocado.

Sorry if you've gone to Lidl bakery looking for bread. I've just gone hangover shopping and bought it all. Lol.

Got whammed lads

Works Christmas do tonight lads. Might get tipsy. Show a bit of ankle.

The sound track of my day... Pick that up please. You're making me sad. Has somebody done a poo? KIND hands. #EYFS

Gotta be at work in twenty (20) minutes. Got a banging hormone headache, I'm laying a fucken egg and basically a morning of unruly toddlers? I don't wanna.

Having to go to the shops again tomorrow because I've been coveting a part of the secret Santa gift I've got my colleague so I'll be having to buy a replacement 😬

I know it's a tough time of year for some folks and people are struggling for various reasons and I don't want to be a cunt or owt, but I've just eaten two perfectly boiled dippy eggs.

Feeling lonely? Feeling unloved? No one ever message you? Just order something through Just Eat. Your phone won't stop cunting pinging.

Being an adult means you can have as many heckin gherkins in your tuna mayo as you heckin want. There's no paperwork to fill in or anything.

Storm Mardy Chebs is starting to bring his beef here on the south coast, lads. He can suck my balls, quite frankly. I've got stuff to do and that doesn't include having to lash my flaps down. Good day to you.

I am at the shopping centre™ it's like the seventh circle of hell but with festive music and twinkly lights. I'm in Next waiting at the collection point. I'm surrounded by women who look like they collect Emma Bridgewater crockery. Might do a terrorism.

Got an EGG in my Bueno advent calendar. What sort of Jesus based fusion crossover is this?

Had a rant on FB...

HAVE DEPLOYED SOFA PONCHO. I REPEAT, SOFA PONCHO HAS BEEN DEPLOYED.

I've entered my cardigan and comfy boot era. Like brat summer but with nanas.

Watching Canal boat diaries. Poor old Robbie, once again he's turned what most people would consider a mild inconvenience into a full blown drama. He's such a wet lettuce. 😂 Bless him.

Spotify wraps are like listening to someone tell you about the dream they had last night.

IT ME

Now I’ve got a new boiler … I’ve got to pay for it… I’ve worked out that I need to sell: 23 cat sofas or 80 foot stools or 199 lap mats You know what to do.. craftysharp.etsy.com

Why is Bono such a monumental cock? #totp

Got butter on my boob. Morning.

Me and himself every time in the plot that those fucken eagles could have taken the ring to Mount Doom. #Lotr

More self indulgent twaddle from Jacko. #totp

Love All about Eve. Julianne Reagan's voice is lovely. Teenage Moo was all over this. #totp

Fartled myself awake this morning, lads.

Would anyone like some ginger sponge and custard? Warm up your bones via your tummy. G'WAN. Not you.

People who say "it's a bit nipply out" #names

Have Coca Cola AI'd the holidays are coming ad? Get to fuck with this shit you clattering wallopers.

🎶Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket🎶...cool your hand has melted off, your jeans are on fire, oh you're dead now.

She's staring at the mole isn't she. #totp

Cunk in a body suit. #totp