a quick guide for how to recline the passenger seat back in your friend's vehicle: step 1. pull the handle step 2. not that handle the other one

in the public bathroom, you do not wash your hands because you are an unhygenic sociopath, I do not wash my hands because all I did in the stall was rip my vape, we are not the same

snowflakes are really out there putting the "tickles" in "particles"

what's the subtext of all this subtext

a drone flight simulator but with the whimsy of Goat Simulator, such that you can slam into NPC pedestrians damage property, and generally cause chaos with your lil robot hummingbird

Adult life is just an endless cycle of finding a thing that works well, having that thing be discontinued, then searching fruitlessly for a replacement

poetry becomes a lot easier when you accept that all the conventions are just classic memes

Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out

my role in the friend group is "exposure to liability"

I'm having a moment where I'm realizing how many moments I've been having

small thing but i did notice and appreciate that Mamdani thanked his "incredible wife" instead of his "beautiful wife" even though she is obviously a straight up baddie

thank you for your attention to this matter

If you have a regional accent, please never try to get rid of it. Accents tell stories.

[Jello Biafara voice] I'm just CHILLIN in CEDAR RAPIIIIDS

famous artwork but with a twist: thread

this looks like a trick daffy duck would put up to get bugs bunny into "the oval office"

*grabs crotch* "I got your beaver moon right here, buddy"

If I worked at AutoZone, everyday I would come home and say "I was in the zone at work today"

if i die on a hill i expect you to roll me down in a tire jackass style

i will look for you, i will find you, and i will clam slam you

have you ever noticed that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGHH FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAA SHHHHFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

if you're reading this wondering why I'm replying so much right now, it's because I'm not allowed to vape in the airport terminal

Sorry I'm late, I have problems

Damn, boy. Is your name Michael? Because after sex, you always be bolton. :(

The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live. - Norman Cousins

Genders in French are wild! A beer is feminine, the vagina is masculine. When in doubt, let Mrs. Baguette and Mr. Croissant decide.

Aloof wife/mayor husband

sorry Dems, the best laid plans of mice and men go oft aloof

I made my own version because i think Orcas are way cooler! #Resist #Resistance #America #Revolution #Leftist #ACAB #FuckICE

BLUESKY ELDER ELECTED NYC MAYOR

votes are now called skeets

I would like to wish the voice at the back of my head whispering about good things not lasting a very fuck you

Don’t talk to me, I’m hope-scrolling

"The day NYC elects a Muslim Mayor will be the day I die." --Dick Cheney probably

roses are red big laughs are hearty

DICK CHENEY: You’re not a real patriot until you’re zooted out of your mind by a thermos full of Jack Daniels and you shoot an 8-point buck that turns into your best friend. Then you weasel your way out of a manslaughter charge by getting your bff to apologize for looking like venison. True grit!

TIRED: But her emails WIRED: Butternaise (INSPIRED: also Butternaise)

I'm like if they gave a middle school boy 25 years of vocabulary and cultural context with which to make the penis jokes

weird that it's erection day but also the same day that the dick went limp

[watching a fast-paced drama series] when are these people finding time to masturbate?

kindness is free. for an ad-free kindness experience, upgrade to kindness+ starting at $15.99 a month

Break Stuff tops the Billboard charts and Dick Cheney is dead. The timeline is trying to heal itself.

Home is where the pants aren’t.

going insane but just glad to be going somewhere

Picard: there ARE FOUR GUYS! FOUR

This account smells like Teen Spirit

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

CBD is decaf weed.