*pronounces tomatoes like comatose*

I like big butts and I cannot lie you other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung

I can't wait for grandma's baked microplastics casserole and famous forever chemical gravy 🤤

Your secret is safe with the black void that is my mind

If I were in Ocean’s 11, I’d be stealing some otters from the zoo

Sorry, I can’t. I’ll be burying my face in a bag of croutons

You can ward off the poop man by leaving crushed peanuts around your doorway

Farts so bad that you look for poop, snd question if your dog is violating The Geneva Convention.

why are they called eyelids when skindows was right there

Sometimes I feel like I’m not big enough to be considered megafauna

I don't believe that you could, in any meaningful way, restrain a 7 foot tall Danny Devito.

I am become microplastics

That translates to "Jewish whore"... This was NOT a GenZ protest like the ones in Nepal, Morocco and Madagascar...

Ya entendí quién era el público objetivo de la protesta Gen Z... Periodistas extranjerxs huevonxs.

Why does Saudi Arabia want to build an Eye of Sauron stadium?

Idk, the Bermuda Triangle sounds pretty relaxing right now

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

this new protein powder got me feeding some type of whey

Me: They call me mellow yellow lol Doctor: It’s called jaundice, and nothing good rhymes with it

Fuck Adobe and their shitty products

I made a rapture comic

What happens to people indoors during the rapture? Do they get stuck under the ceiling?

I can’t wait for either Peggy or Mrs. Scott to wipe that self righteous snobby look out of Mrs. Kirkland’s face #thegildedage

guys, does anyone know where can i get my king gizzard and the lizard wizard fix now?

I don’t want to work today. I want to live as a jellyfish.

Slugs are neat

I understand justice matters but the reopening of cold cases is surely going too far now

i need the bean juice

Vi Mentiras y ahora no me puedo sacar la canción de “Fíjate, fíjate en tu secretaria” 😭

𝔰𝔬𝔲𝔭 𝔤𝔬𝔬𝔡

"He was a boy, she was a girl, can they make it any more obvious." - Lavigne 8:01

Can I opt out of existing today?

wEy, o SeA nO eS Mi cuLPa qUe dOña MaRi yA nO pUedA pAgAr el PrediAL de su pRopiEdad y LA va A pErDer. estÁn ViniEnDo nóMAdas DiGitaLEs cOOL 😎 a TRabAjar eN caFetErías ✨ 𝒶ℯ𝓈𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓉𝒾𝒸✨

reach out and touch faith

Ruin a book’s title by replacing one word with butthole: The three body butthole

Life comes at you fast

The singularity is awesome

🎶 Puttin’ on the Ritz… but it’s just me, making peanut butter on crackers for supper

We really need some laws to make sure that if you’re wearing glasses that record video everyone knows it. Legally mandate that if you’re wearing smart glasses you also have to wear a cap with a propeller on it

Venn diagram

Please review my PowerPoint about how this is fucked up

Live, Love, Lick a poisonous frog

Before you get too invested in this friendship, just know I only like the cookie part of Oreos and will throw away the middle white stuff

watching jaws rn im shaking innmy boots

clenching my jaw as a hobby

why am i awake rn? and why can’t i go back to sleep? 😭😭

"Do me a solid" *me to my innards after a bout of diarrhoea*