“Sip alone or with friends” printed on the soda can

he asked for the girlfriend experience so I started a fight with his mom

Alternate cut of Alien where they ditch Kane on LV 426 and head home but have to stop at the Io mining colony near Jupiter, where they meet Sean Connery’s security marshall character from Outland (1981) & then Ripley helps him solve some murders

Imagine dressing like that old timey Sicilian gangster in New York from the second godfather movie and going to eat Wendy’s breakfast

Sailors be neurodivergent

I ate a piano last week. With lactose free ice cream.

And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling disney characters!

Imagine owning a beat up old pickup truck and road tripping around the gulf coast, telling yarns along the way, lying about every detail of your life. Awesome. Just vibes

Quint from Jaws should’ve lived. And then got eaten by a tiger

Idk if we’d even know if a mutual got raptured.

goofy’s urine, minnie’s successful boycott

Soup of the day: Quiche Lorraine

Heterosexuals love applebees

Shrimp rapture would be way better than human rapture

Hand sanitizer ice cream

Wanna feel old? Bib Fortuna was on 90 Day Fiancé

Can’t believe I forgot it’s ride a winged beast to work this week

Toad played the piano, and he did not miss a note.

Someone says hi to me at work and I don’t know their name

Help me Baladas Demnevanni, you’re my only hope

it’s monday again

Donuts only taste delicious when they’re very distressed

Tricking heterosexuals into eating at red lobster

4 foot long iphones

Notre Dame cathedral was named after a school in Indiana. Weird choice imo

Old men love to eat bananas

Imagine being an angry producer in early 90s LA and you have one of those early 90s dude pony tails and you’re screaming at someone over the phone outside a mediocre Italian restaurant

Penises and gorilla glue have been mortal enemies for over a thousand years

Jorking it like Shredder at a hardware store

Licking honey off of it

Donut hospital

Professor Charles Xavier could use his mental powers to make Beast think he was Charles sucking his own dick. And by could i mean he did

Try to convince someone offline that Billy Ocean wrote The Turn of the Screw

Ewald Mataré, Cow, 1924 https://botfrens.com/collections/14377/contents/1136217

Tbf, urine is very important

Poor guy was just asking for directions

Elite ninja assassin who kills by slitting their targets’ throats with dorito shards

Good is a point of view Anakin

I like trains more than most people

Did Linux fuck ur wife? 25 signs that this may be true

Retconning slugs as lazy snails

I’m retconning myself as successful

If life gives you lemons, make lemon pencils

Bishop the android fisting a Predator to death.

I bet a Predator wouldn’t be such a smug bitch if he got set on fire by a colonial marines flame thrower

Come on you know you wanna see a Predator get turned to green mist by a colonial marines smartgun

Predators should’ve been set in the future and featured a squad of colonial marines killing multiple predators while being hunted on a game planet

McDonald’s should buy chic fil a and then replace the whole menu with woke McRib