Mood ..bed. Blankets..over my head.

Listen, I’m old and lazy. You can go to Mastadon if you want, but I’ll stay here to get ignored.

bluesky please don’t implode, I refuse to try any more new things

there is an absolute zero chance of me learning how to use mastodon

My signature sex move is best performed when I’m alone

I'm not outraged today so I'm going to drink some more coffee and think about why.

I didn’t check you out at the gym -Please respond

Gonna use AI to make a deepfake of my parents telling me they’re proud of me

Failing life so hard right now that it keeps passing my test back face down

It's not that I don't like people... Well, actually, that's it exactly. I don't like people

Question: So wat’cha, wat’cha, wat’cha want?

This jumbo candy bar says “share size” on the wrapper. GFY, get your own, Mom.

I keep dealing with this problem where it turns out I’m kind of an idiot

How was I supposed to know there would be consequences for my actions

If you get so mad at a player for making a mistake in a baseball game that you threaten them or their family you should probably find some other way to spend your time. Sports are not for you.

I saved your red heart emoji reply. Please respond.

Just because I like attention doesn’t mean I know what to do with it when it’s given to me

Disclaimer: any resemblance between my skeets and coherent thoughts is purely coincidental

I forgot to remind myself to remember something.

Replace “rock” with “block” in song lyrics. But on my tombstone when I go just put death by block and roll.

In their 125 years of existence, the Chicago White Sox have lost 100+ games 7 times. 4 of those instances have happened since 2018.

Make a porn wholesome: Deep Thought

Make a porn wholesome: Fishing poles for wet holes

Drinking water, to pee something.

Hey, that’s my emotional support noose

My life would be so amazing if I could get myself to live it

Rapture Review: ★☆☆☆☆ Service was terrible, no one showed up to collect me. Sat outside all morning with sandals on for nothing.

Pumpkin spice acetaminophen

If you get raptured in the middle of having diarrhea, how's that work? Are you spewing either physical or spectral diarrhea over the whole neighbourhood on your way up? I was raised by atheists, they never taught me this stuff.

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

I need an app that can tell me what I was thinking about 2 mins ago and now can’t remember

Truly the most shameful thing about being an American is Michelob Ultra’s status as our best selling beer.

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

I’m no thank you that would give me gas years old

Nobody’s making love out of nothing at all anymore and that’s sad

Best Movie Soundtrack? The Crow (1994)

sure therapy is great, but have you ever screamed “fuuuuuuuck” really really really loud and then treated yourself to a little snack after.

Happy thank fuck it’s Friday to all those who celebrate.

this off brand sex tastes nothing like real sex

The danger of men putting words in the mouth of an invented god.

I don’t know about you guys, but I could really go for an extinction event-sized meteor right now

When I’m 75, I’m going to be the biggest whore

sighing so hard I collapse into myself like a dying star

I wish people had a 90sec trailer so I can see what I’m getting myself into.

I’ve ordered an extra pumpkin scone. Please respond

I think the fact that I’m not all judgy is what makes me better than most people.

Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their pets.

I like you so much that I miss you even when I’m sober