Country that plans to host the world cup in 2 months: We are replacing all airport staff with our most violent high school dropouts

Just remembered as well that the 'Conkers Banned by Health & Safety Brigade' was started by a school headmaster along the lines of 'we'll say to the local press, conkers are not permitted unless the children wear eye goggles, I'll be amazed if they actually believe this.'

Its that time of year on your calendar folks. Oh, and set your clocks forward next week.

Stand on your tippy toes next time you daft crybaby

There are people out there who've convinced themsleves Wheatus wrote and recorded A Little Respect originally. That is an act of Erasure.

And the Kent and Sussex Courier go with BOXING LEGEND WANTS UNICORN

TV critics, and as we all know as a species they’re *hilarious* reviewing comedy though.

It’s been so long since Arsenal last won the League Cup, they let footballers do adverts for cigars.

Just got word that the saxophone from SNL USA has successfully arrived at Heathrow.

William Shakespeare playing Battleship, pondering the next move "2B or not 2B? that is the question."

....And headteacher sacked for using big faced child as a satellite dish. This is the news!

Great retrospective of the early/mid 90s primetime horror reconstruction show complete with authoritarian newsreader turned Royal coin salesman Michael Buerk. Reconstruction after reconstruction... and sage safety advice in serious mid 90s fonts. You can sing to theme tune. It's Your Blood.

Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris is Dead.

I'm thinking of a groundbreaking Political podcast. It will feature semi-retired politicians from the tory centre and the Labour right. They will say every week that they aren't quite sure what's going on but someone ought to ruddy sort it out.

‘And today’s topic under discussion is: more or less the one we did yesterday’

Standards really slipping at the Telegraph. Really basic typo in a column headline today.

3rd in the pub quiz last night, but technical runner-up prize (as the barstaff won) also a little bit of cash for being closest in jackpot question. Not bad.

The median age in Britain is about 40. The median Briton has not experienced sustained economic growth in their adult life time.

This is once in a lifetime stuff from Ronnie. youtu.be/vM3QucWQygg

The Observer offering voluntary redundancy to *all* staff now, is it? It’s almost as if the Scott Trust sold the paper to a start-up which was never going to reliably fund its future. I said at the time that Tortoise’s own business model is dubious, let alone taking on an existing newspaper.

Fair question. It is hard for me to remember which UK papers are insane

Do you know what really boils my piss? The Morphy Richards Piss Boiler 3000, the best in the business. #Not Sponsored

Goodnight everyone.

Looking for a family of three who don’t like each other for Sunday’s family comedy show at the Arts Depot in Finchley

The interesting thing about the SNL UK discourse is that everyone clearly wants young writers and performers to be given more of a chance to get out there, but just not with this format.

How I've been justifying my excessive Mini Egg consumption lately

The problem with fascism is that eventually you run out of minorities to blame.

Hang on a second … Reach, home of the unusable websites, generic national advertorial on local news sites, omelette-brained clickbait and paywalling LDRS content, is accusing the **BBC** of making local news provision worse?! ‘kinell 🤦🏻🙄 via @pressgazette.co.uk pressgazette.co.uk/publishers/r...

Jesus when he comes back to Earth:

congratulations to the best picture winner

donald trump says he “will remember” the countries that don’t bail him out of the mess in iran and i don’t think that’s true

Quite possibly the biggest #Oscars  upset in history.

I went to look at the post out of curiosity, and every comment that isn’t “what is a woman” is “how can mothers be happy when you’re letting in illegals”, and I really do think we’re reaching a point where a large part of this country are becoming morally irredeemable people. Like, the fuck is this?

Goodnight everyone.

Zack Polanski's favourite Parks & Recreation character is Mark Brendanawicz.

Zack Polanski once claimed he could beat a Jet2 holiday.

The best thing about murdering Wally is it would take them ages to find the body.

On your feet, Daily Telegraph. On your feet.

At a press conference, Igor Tudor reveals his new plan for Spurs' survival.

I just saw someone refer to 'the lead singer in Beck'

It is hilarious how easy a grift it is to be a terf. Take pictures of yourself using your backers money to go to concerts and those same backers will say 'fantastic. You are doing such important work. Here's my child's university savings'

The Aggro-Centrist tactic at the moment seems to be to make the Titnosis thing equal to the Mandelson thing and unfortunately there's quite a big problem with that. Which is the Titnosis thing doesn't involve the world's most famous paedophile. Sucks to suck, but that's how it is!

The thing I notice about people who've moved abroad, made a new life and are genuinely happy is they don't keep going on GB News to complain about how shit the UK is and what needs to change. They embrace their new lives and find belonging there. Some how tax shirkers never find that contentment.

All six Premier League teams going out of the Champions League and Bodo/Glimt going through would be very, very funny.

Julie Bindel went really insane in my mentions for confusing her with Julie Birchill. Or possibly vice-versa? They're basically the same person anyway

Just a little longer then than her time as PM by the sounds of it.

Channel 4 are denying the future of Countdown is in doubt, but questions surely have to be raised as Joey Tempest is in Dictionary Corner next week.