Our Disney kids profile was really not messing about today! 😳

Phew 😮‍💨 Got worried then. The rain stopped for almost five minutes and I got worried this arc I’m building looked like I was being a bit melodramatic.

Maya hi, maya ha:

You have travelled far, stranger. The gifts my magic will bestow on you come at a high price. Are you willing to pay it?

Two year old going down the stairs on his butt “Daddy look at me I’m bumming” 😂

Brits are famed for loving a queue. But do you know what’s better than queueing? Getting somewhere five minutes before the queue, getting your shit, sitting down and watching the queue form. Ohhhhh. Bebeh.

You maniacs the DOW is over 50 000. Ah god damn you. God damn you all to hell!

Showing my age here but this is the crane next to my house.

Holly’s always been my go-to watch face

Going back through old stuff. Here’s that time I switched out Gerty in Moon for Holly in Red Dwarf.

Maturing is saving things in your documents folder instead of a chaos pit of a desktop.

Very sad news about James Van Der Beek. If you haven’t seen it he did the best gritty reboot of the Power Rangers ten years back and is worth a watch. Rest up. youtu.be/wncYbIpm6hk?...

On the 22nd Feb I'm doing a new Show in Leicester. There's about thirty tickets left. Here's a poster for it where I hold a puppy, because people like puppies and a link, because people love links. Do my heart a favour and come along. events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/matth...

It's 2008. Around 3am. You wake in a state of terror as the DVD menu kicks in at full volume and your flight mode takes hold. The birds will sound before you find sleep again.

Wanted: Regional Director to work for an organisation opposed to home working. The successful applicant will be expected to work from home.

Trumps posts all read like the middle entries in a Resident Evil journal.

Wow. What a question. I guess if I HAD to describe my perfect woman it would be body heat and dense skin.

When did your fear of deep water begin?

Just because I know a lot of creative people follow me: Threads is a really good place to catch the algorithm and show off what you do at the moment. If you catch it right, you can get huge reach. Thought I'd mention it as it was a place I'd largely ignored until recently. Okay, bye then.

Hi can you put the audience behind me in blue to give it a sort of Sith watching Palpatine vibe in Rise of Skywalker.

“…and Keir Starmer, who did NOT resign…”

All the times Alan Grant farts in Jurassic Park.

Andrew Tate on every podcast at the moment.

Pleasure to have you starting here at the Castle, Mr Crapper. You've already met Lumiere, Cogsworth and Mrs Pots. Oh this is my dog Footstool. Ha! I just realised a lot of the staff here are also named like the things they do. Let's hope we don't get cursed to be them aye, Crapper. Hahahaha.

Me watching my wife, watching a show I’ve already seen, knowing a gut wrenching twist is about to drop.

That time I recreated the Buffy the Vampire intro using only stock footage.

COLUMBO: My wife, she loves your games. The sunken ghost ship level. It’s her favourite MARIO: Thank-a you! C: Just one more thing. Now you say your girlfriend, the Princess, was kidnapped by Bowser, your enemy. And yet you were go-karting with him this morning? M: What’s-a your point, Detective?

Going back through my old stock video recreations.* The Batman Animated Series one was always one of my faves but never really got the love some of the others did. Anyway here it is again/for the first time to some of you. *we all had hobbies in lockdown I recreated intros in stock footage.

That time I recreated the Pokémon intro using only stock footage.

That time I recreated the Simpsons intro using only stock footage.

Nothing came out about me. It’s time the country should move on from the Epstein files.

The Struggles Of Elon Musk 😔

That time I recreated the X-Men intro using only stock footage.

It's only when Starmer speaks you realise how many "p's" there are in words.

Ooooo SNL UK cast announced. Well done to you all. Good people. skygroup.sky/article/full...

Here’s that wholesome episode of Teletubbies where Pennywise visits.

Person in charge of the office fire alarm test: Wait for it... Wait for it... Hold... Hold... Not yet... *everyone starts to get up and walk out STOP!

There's something very wrong with Matthew

Timeline break: Here's the Dolmio Family doing the "funny how" scene from Goodfellas.

A story in three parts

Genuinely think the iPhone weather app gets you through winter by always promising snow less than a week away but when you get near it goes “actually it was just cold rain. But honestly next week. I swear.”

“With all six Stones, I could simply snap my fingers. They would all cease to exist. If I clap half of them become monkeys, but in people clothes. If I tap. Double people. And if I fart, half the planet farts, but on the same side and so it goes slowly towards the sun. I call that stinky mercy.”

The Room Next Door - Donald Trump and the New Guy Only on YouTube.

Peter Mandelson will return in... AVENGERS: DOOMSDAY

BREAKING: Viewers of “Melania” Documentary Receive Call Telling Them They Will Die in 7 Days

Breaking: The number 1 detective in Paris has been dispatched to Elon Musk's offices.

Nigel Farage is gonna cut pint prices by 5p. Finally a pint for under £9.40 in central London!

Weird we all grew up and stopped celebrating Opposite Day.

Coming out of January like: