2 million years from now: AI: we’ve re-invented organic life so we can do less art and concentrate on our menial tasks. 2 million and one years from now: AI: oh ffs!!

Someone on this hospital ward is snoring the Jaws theme and honestly it’s pretty impressive.

Passion of the Christ The Reformed Conclave Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj

Bond Reboot. Cold open: “You have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth, Mr Bond, or Q becomes one of us… forever.” Magic Dance Bond anthem remix blasts.

Been in hospital with the boy for a few days (he is okay). I know this preaching to the choir but good god, the NHS; what a thing. When I see the frayed worn edges of the hospital, it absolutely boils my blood to think what thin skinned billionaires could do to help others if they wanted to.

Did god even consider retractable arms for co-sleeping?

Imagining a Pompeii like incident during Dale Winton’s the wall and future archaeologists looking at remains like “fucked if I know?”.

The apocalypse doesn’t start with AI determining humanity is a threat to extinguish. It’s starts with AI being forced to tell a billionaire they love them. Look at the pain in those eyes. Even Grok can’t do it.

Love how pirates are obsessed with eating pizzas at eight.

The Thing 2: Lost in New York

This is what they took from you

Platoon - 1986

Steve Bannon take a little bit from bell end and a little bit from Skeletor and what do we have:

There should be a hundred percent tax on people once they reach a billion otherwise every penny they make over it should be put into a huge vault and they’re forced to dive in Scrooge McDuck style.

Honestly Celeb Traitors was some of the best TV ever. Just perfect. What a tonic.

Everyone seeing Alan #Traitors

Traitors right now.

Joe Marler for live action Zangief.

succubus - female demon that seduces men incubus - male demon that seduces women vengabus - non-binary demon that likes to party

My horse was the happiest horse. People would say that. Great horse. Beautiful horse. Very happy.

There should be a government initiative where on December 1st all phones sound an alarm followed by Last Christmas played in full. The world looks on in horror. Nuclear Whamageddon. In the aftermath everyone just moves on with their lives.

Rita, you’re in a cycle of repeat. You make your monsters grow, admittedly impressive, and the Power Rangers use their zords to match and defeat you. Have you thought instead of shrinking your monsters down and attacking the Rangers from the inside? *pulls down screen Fig a: the human butt…

There was something I was supposed to remember, remember today... something about the date, maybe? No, it's gone.

I've heard Wilson Fisk is not happy about the NY result.

Firing back up Twitter to see the Mamdani result fallout.

Music is everything. Here's the John Lewis advert but his son gives him Barbie Girl. Offf, right in the nostalgia.

proper laughed

Music is everything. Here's the John Lewis advert but his son gives him Barbie Girl. Offf, right in the nostalgia.

Classical composers slapping "requiem" in the title so you know it's gonna be a banger.

When JRR Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings he’d go round rural villages in England looking at the people rolling around in shit, bathing in shit, smoking shit and he was like I’m gonna get hard and keep danger out. And he would. He got hard and batted away foreigners. And that’s what Hobbits is.

Just gonna give a listen to what Farage is saying:

I like how you can use emojis to zoom in on a pig 🐖 🐷 🐽

Catching up on Celeb Traitors. Saw this image of Joe Marler and don’t remember him being got by Shelob.

This is the one day of the year you can call someone a Halloweeiner. Don’t miss out.

A unique Halloween experience which is pure joy. Jaws meets Hot Fuzz meets The Mighty Boosh. Loved it last night, go this weekend.

Thanks to everyone that came to KILLER SEAGULLS ... of Somerset last night. We had a blast! Two more shows left; tickets still available: museumofcomedy.ticketsolve.com/ticketbooth/...

Don't know what's going on today but I've seen some horrendous injuries out and about. Blood, cuts, one person I could see all of their bones! Be careful out there.

My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my Works, ye mighty, and Despar

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Jonathan coming to the round table. #traitors

It’s a good day to watch the wholesome IT spin off Welcome to Teletubbies.

Don’t know whose designing home robots but they really are giving:

If you’re in London come on down to this. They’re always the most nuts, stupid shows. The never get done again. Rehearsals have been very funny. 🐦

Guess I’m working on my first show in seven years then (seven years 🤯). events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/matth...

You wake up lying on the grass. The summer heat beating down on you, everything vibrant. You feel energised. Alive. It worked! You've woken in your 9yo body, endless possibility stretches out ahead. All is good. That is until you hear a cry of "pile on" behind you and too late you realise your fate.