The problem’s there in plain sight in the main photo: A feral mattress trapped in the garden against its will. I’m surprised that the damage isn’t much more severe.

THIS LOOKS IMPORTANT.

This can only end in one way.

Regret to report that they’ve been sniffing glue at the Ipswich Star again.

Would that huge mast be anything like that massive lighting pole sitting near the abandoned star prize from Bullseye?

We’ve been through this, Wallace. It’s a penguin with a rubber glove on his head.

If by “outraged” you mean “breaking the sound barrier to get to the York Press for some free publicity”, then - yes - he’s outraged. www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/2611169...

Come back when there is a sinkhole, then stand in it.

Deep thoughts here from Dave in the Dorset Echo.

“People who bought house next to Cambridge University complain about Cambridge University” Not sure if that works.

Guilty as hell, because - speaking as an Arsenal fan - no man ever goes willingly to watch Arsenal.

Our “hertiest” (heartiest!!) congratulations to Hertfordshire County Council for inventing the [checks notes] bus. They’ve invented the bus.

Nice to see a smile on the face of a person in local newspapers for once (from the archives). www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/uk-news...

Kitty’s Laundrette is a reason why we can be allowed nice things. #NiceThings

Once again, The Daily Telegraph with its finger on the pulse of the nation.

This looks important.

The “Phil Collins Angry About His Bins” pose can also be used for stories which are not about bins. www.thecourier.co.uk/fp/news/dund...

FACT: Film composer Hans Zimmer, who wrote the theme tune to daytime TV gameshow Going For Gold, has fiercely loyal fans who will defend his reputation at any cost.

This is no laughing matter

BUT MY CAR vs Parking Bastard™️. I am confused.

“It’s when they started singing ‘Wind of Change’ for the sixth time in a row that we knew the jig was up”

Today in “Oh mate”, oh mate.

SHOCKWAVES, which were felt as far away as the Co-op supermarket (next door).

It is an upright vacuum cleaner, so that means Henry’s off the hook (unless it’s three Henries in a long coat).

Meanwhile in Denmark, locals don’t want a hotel in their town. Google Translate suggests “Ikke i min baghave” (Not in my back yard)

We don’t do court reports, but well done to Sgt Cat Ryan for finding the cat. In summary: Twat took cat, cat found by Cat and catches twat. Howzat! www.halifaxcourier.co.uk/news/courts/...

If you’ve been spreading your oats around the streets of Galway for the last [checks notes] eight years, the city council would quite like you to stop. www.advertiser.ie/galway/artic...

I live in the Scottish Borders, where the speed limit in residential areas is 20mph. And guess how much of an inconvenience it is? If you said “None whatsoever”, you are correct. Peak BUT MY CAR.

This is literally the bit on every edition of Grand Designs just before the final advert break, where Kevin McCloud describes the situation over sad piano music. Part four, jaunty piano music: “But Hugo’s parents have come up with the hundred thousand they need...”

Shocked. I am shocked. And now I’m going to have a nice cup of non-cursed tea and a sit down.

Meanwhile in the Netherlands, a schism in the knitting club as Jitty (aged 75) is kicked out because of her attitude, and has vowed (in Dutch) to never return. www.dehavenloods.nl/nieuws/algem...?

Hashtag Press Release Disguised As News

“Giggle into this bag please sir” Yes, this is actually a very serious business, but I’m not going to miss that open goal. And no, he’s not a copper.

At last, some good news.

It’s worse than you think. Your entire car has disintegrated.

THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY EATING MANGEL-WURZELS

Super Monster Wolf is back in the news, eight years after I first reported on it.

Images of the future zombie apocalypse.

We don’t do 17th century politics, but this looks fine. 🇮🇪🇮🇪🇮🇪

Not sure if this counts as “Normal for Norfolk”, so I’m just going to assume that it is.

At no point does she say the council’s decision is “bananas” and that’s a proper open goal missed.

An actual ransom strip out in the wild, no less. Just leave it like that, and it’ll serve the landowner right. www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/2610086...

And this is why people should not be allowed to submit their own compoface. www.theargus.co.uk/news/2610016...

“What do we want?” “A NEW COMMUNITY NOTICE BOARD!” “When do we want it?” “AS SOON AS CONVENIENT, NO HURRY”

One of those “road men” we’ve heard so much about.

NONE SHALL PASS (at more than 20mph)

Regret to report that those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council are at it again.

Won’t anyone thing of a) the oldiewonks and b) the kiddiewinks?

Mr De’Ath is going to argue this one to de’ath.

“We’ll show them how to do dangerous”, a bowling club spokesman said, announcing a switch to overarm.