"It's incredibly chaotic in there - long queues, fraying tempers, children in tears. Fucking brilliant."

I bet Dua Lipa has never even heard of Martin Hayes.

"I'll be answering questions on 'my mate'."

CALDER WATCHERS ASSEMBLE

A fiver seems a bit pricey

NURSE!

Renton Laidlaw, now that's a name etc etc

Nothing in this game for two in a bed

That's one of the Flumps #TheCelebrityApprentice

"The Edge is fine." #TheCelebrityApprentice

I was once sat behind Billy Pearce on a flight. He was wearing dark glasses and purposefully waited to board the flight last. We all knew who he was, but nobody cared. He then reclined his seat as soon as the seatbelt signs went off. Twat

I blame Jez Quigley

I once sat next to Billy Pearce at the theatre, he was wearing UGG boots

So close

I see he's done his joke again

Celebrity Apprentice is on tonight, they should just repeat the episode from 2023 that featured Sam Greenwood's reaction to Leeds's latest managerial appointment #lufc

No, contestant on PopMaster TV, Hold On was *not* a 1990 hit for Wilson Pickett.

"Chelsea 2 United 1, Zola in the last minute of extra time! Put a monkey on it, monster monster monster."

Amazing how quickly language evolves. 'Twixmas' and 'crimbo limbo', for instance, are relatively recent additions to our lexicon and yet all right-thinking people are already hard-wired to respond to them with a short, sharp 'fuck off'.

"And through the Daleks, I shall have that power!"

Keep seeing people saying the questions on Celebrity Mastermind are too easy, what a load of disrespectful nonsen... oh

Marlon Brando here

Some film called The Godfather just starting on BBC Two, any good?

When he realises I've breached the restraining order again #lufc

As I was saying

Fucking hell, this advert is back again

Don't know if you've noticed, Rob, but our November and December fixtures weren't exactly a doddle either. You wanker #lufc

Feel like he might have been on there already but am definitely adding Xhaka to The Shit List™️ for mouthing off at Rodon while he was down injured after that second challenge #lufc

Raging Wool

YOUR COAT IS RIGHT THERE YOU ABSOLUTE LUNATIC #lufc

Sharon Gless is FUMING

Toploader are shit

*sorting out some records* Right, get rid of Thriller and Bad but

Heading home after a week in Anglesey, what an awful place

My dad has just informed me that any keeper conceding direct from a corner 'should be shot'. I think he might be serious.

Unai looks like he's trying to buy a second-class return to Dottingham

The reporter who wrote this will be stunned when they find out what's happened to national newspaper sales over the last 20 years or so

It's good but it's not right