im ahead of my time. oops it caught up. now im behind

If you see this, post a concert photo you took:

Ok step one is to make them look less delicious

Sigh... this indispensable rectangle is going to be the death of me.

My microplastics are achy today must be the rain

Hey, Cutie, did you hail a Death Cab?

I’m salty at times but iodized so I’m good for you you need me

Ok, wish me luck

REPORT: All Remaining Drafts Bad

I am 'why the F does my new dishwasher need to connect to the wifi?' years old.

Do you iron a shirt for a wedding? By the time the jackets come off, everyone's all buzzed and wrinkly anyway...

French geese are like "honque honque"

(stepping out of the shadows with a switchblade) is this your switchblade? i found it in the shadows

interrupting my wife's keynote speech to show her i finished coloring the page she gave me

I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

Hobby Lobby out there trying to influence our elected officials on behalf of Big Hobby.

:: house on fire :: "Save my Drafts folder!"

beating myself up over being too hard on myself

spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

Not watching the news all weekend, but the last time I tried that, we ended up at war.

You ever been startled by the sound of a dried up leaf skittering along the pavement behind you because you thought it was some kind of critter in pursuit? Yeah, me either

It contained a typo, so I yoinked it.

Not indoorsy, but not quite outdoorsy either; some kind of third thing (screened-porchy)

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

My cat’s like “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my elastic hair tie”

Is Trump actually Andy Kaufman in a fat suit? Maybe we're being punked.

we all have that one homie who disappeared in the bermuda triangle

“Worst she can say is no” Bro, she said I look like someone tried to draw President Taft from memory

I'm the enchanting wizard of rhythm. I came here to do two things: chew some gum and tell you about the rhythms of the universe, and I'm all out of gum.

Oh you're still cringing? (cronges)

The local police force just purchased 2,000 bees They will be used in a sting operation

Yeah but have you tried listening to music with headphones about it?

This is a Crystal house

You can have my finger pistols when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers but until then pew pew pew pew pew

Bump

Self-help book for Millennials: "You CAN Even"

A special place in hell for all you monsters who voted for blue M&Ms

I first had corned beef at age 10 or 11 and I liked it so much I instantly felt mad at my parents for waiting so long to introduce it.

Unsolicited music share: youtu.be/AANdTWXYD_o?...

You hold the scepter We hold the key You are the devil We are the D

every time you miss a crosswalk in a captcha, a waymo runs over a child

I would like to sell out now please

~Never judge a book by its cover~ Cover artist: Ok, but did you like the cover? I worked hard on it.

wtf, i think my stomach is dialing aol

Aw, crud.

Not sure why I was a hoping for a chill Chicago ayatollah who likes the White Sox

Not all haunted dolls are Victorian, but all Victorian dolls are haunted

Donning and removing different hoodies taking up most of my time.

*gets the daylight out of the attic*