When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, that was where Sand People walked singlefile to hide their numbers.

If I were an action hero, this is what I’d say to the bad guy before the kill shot.

Have you tried unleashing your vast armada of steampunk battleblimps about it?

Kids today will never know the difference between microfilm and microFICHE. Come to think of it, neither do I.

Let’s just say I don’t come from a matching pajama family.

Ovaltine? I hardly knowvaltine!

The sun is sunning and the grackles are grackalackin.

*explaining nuclear fusion* when two nuclei love each other very much...

Rolling up on some flat earthers and pushing them over the edge

My exorcism kit includes a tall bottle of Fanta Grape and the Tower of Power horn section

Here's a thought: pay for your own fucking ballroom.

How come your hair is grey on your head, but when you cut it and it falls on the floor, it's brown? Oh, NOW all of a sudden you have pigment?

Means nothing coming from me, but I'm starting to think they should go with Steyer.

sell 12 foot skeletons year round you cowards!

Store brand hickory flavor BBQ sauce, you my only friend...

Doctor: You got the Lyme Disease and the Coconut Disease. You got them both together.

I can trace the start of my anxiety to the moment I realized the family “puke bowl” & popcorn bowl were the same thing

Woke up this morning to discover that some political rant I made before I went to bed got 20 likes. I'm tempted to delete it, but.... 20 likes

I don't want to be saying "sweater weather" in late May.

Just remember, no one can prove you weren’t an employee of the month at RadioShack

Hottest day of the year so far, and I'm over here making stew like a chump

nap so good you wake up outside the simulation

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

How do birds know how to stfu as soon as you pull out your Merlin app

Sometimes I think something is genius so I post it then you guys tell me otherwise.

Carpenters work in the jig economy aaaand send.

Who's the best Monkee and why is it Mike

Huge if true

I love the part when the telegraph operator suggests the word "infamous", but it backfires because the Three Amigos don't know what it means.

If the Muppets can do Muppet Babies then Seasame Street should do Seasame Seeds.

of course i'm serious. i wouldn't have worn my keyboard tie if i wasn't

You had me at "and chill" (I wasn't paying attention to the first part)

This is what I’m doing when I’m on Bluesky

Unhealthy if literal: Blood orange

give a man a waffle he eats for a day teach a man to waffle he’s indecisive for a lifetime

Word to your mothers.

Not sure how to end this joke, so I'm just going to repeat and fade, repeat and fade repeat and fade

I mean, the odds of all the moms being born on the same day is pretty astronomical.

struggled to spell “turquoise” so bad my autocorrect ordered me a helmet

All the M&M's were gone. Now what? Wait! Gary lifted his keyboard and found a trove of candy, Cheetos, and, oh yeah, when was that due?

Spotify algorithm on fire this morning. I'm afraid to switch it off, like the time Joey and Chandler accidentally got the porn channel without paying for it.

The day before Mother's Day should be Labor Day.

Never thought I’d be living in a world so shitty that I’d find myself saying WHO CARES ABOUT UFO PICS RIGHT NOW

Eyyyy, check out Johnny Bluesky over here -

REPORT: DRAFTS FOLDER DRAFTY

Jesus, Jazz Hands, put the all caps away

Hot singles in your area have breached containment