your porn star name is your mother's maiden name and the last four digits of your SSN

where are all of yall getting these bingo cards

When my post gets zero likes

Leeks are just untrustworthy onions

She's an eleven because these go to eleven.

I hope Trump is still alive when a future president renames it the Biden Ballroom.

*gets added to a nonstarter starter pack*

Siri, how much vodka sauce would one need to consume in order to get a buzz? I'm joking, I would never buy an iPhone

Either we need a new abbreviation for AI, or people who go by the name Al need to switch to something else. We can't have both.

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

*Logging onto Bluesky* I'm always a little flummoxed when moots have beef.

Impeachment rap sheet adds third page, single spaced.

Pepper Jack is pretty good but Peppa Chedda'd be betta

my aura wins at Jenga in its spare time

Preaching to the choir here, but A.I. images are extremely off-putting. Like, they make me physically nauseous.

(warning: explicit) youtu.be/Co2Zt615P5M?...

dishes are the laundry of the kitchen

Me, checking myself out in the mirror, muscles rippling* *jiggling

Same as it ever was

Oh, an emu mascot you say? Take my money

It's not like they published all their plans and called it Project 2025 or something!

Oops! All kings

So sweet, I'm unsavory.

Sure, I may be exhausted and a little buzzed, but you guys are OK in my book.

This No Kings rally could have been a national election

Yay! My followometer just rolled over. I think this is 125 more than I had on Twitter when I left

Big thank you to everybody who attended a no kings rally today. I would've went myself, but I had a cup of coffee in my hands

If minesweeper has taught me anything it's not to get excited about 50/50 odds

Hanging onto these two cans of gross, mushy peas in case someone comes around for a food bank donation I guess.

Judge: you’re here because you booped the cop on the nose Me: your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge covering his nose: absolutely not

Me: *forgets how to ride a bike* Damn.

Eating oranges...just to peel something

Hoping the word 'comeuppance' makes a comeback, for no particular reason.

I, for one, welcome our new inflatable frog overlords.

There's a special place in hell for streaming services who auto play trailers on the home screen.

Why is stuff always flying under the radar? We need some Lowdar.

More like, "life is too shart," am I right?

Some loud ass squirrels out here wtf

*eats chip on my shoulder

t-shirts can tell you so much about a person. for example, this one shirt lets you know that i am a dodger fan, that i like chocolate ice cream, and that i don't know how to get chocolate ice cream stains out of t-shirts

It's okay everyone, we've got the nickname "Shady Vance" locked and loaded.

It's happening again

One time I made my daughters chicken Alfredo that they said was "as good as Applebee's" and I was never more insulted.

Probably not a great sign that I'm feeling like if my team loses today, my entire state of being might collapse.

My largest delusion is thinking I can grow my eyesight back by not wearing my readers and trying hard.