This headline had me asking, “What does ‘warch’ mean and why wouldn’t you just say ‘most warch’ anyway?”

Klassiker

Correct ✅ they did not have a PLAN for Black people staying home and resting and waiting. They wanted us in the streets to kick it off but we are not new to this we know who they are. 😎 Full video: www.tiktok.com/t/ZTMMhw7S7/

The best thing about the Riyadh Comedy Festival is that I’m a lot more comfortable saying I don’t really like Bill Burr’s comedy.

DO YOU STAY IN THE CAR WHEN YOU GET YOUR OIL CHANGED I NEED TO KNOW IM IN A SITUATION

I’m getting chewed up and shat out of the American healthcare system and it’s affecting my entire life including my job. I know I’m nothing special, but this could’ve been taken care of in minutes by a country that wasn’t beholden to for-profit medicine.

Next he's going to try to pretend he fixed the shutdown, but the solution will be to call everyone back to work unpaid and blame their lack of a paycheck on Dems. It will be utterly transparent and he's going to wonder why it didn't work.

The BASE in BASE jumping is an acronym which stands for Bridge, Antenna, Span, and Earth. Nothing in there about a parachute. Just sayin'.

Maybe next round we could convince the GOP to nominate a parking barrier or perhaps even a bollard.

I need you all to understand this. Something needs to be done. No, no, no. SOMETHING needs to be done.

it's so easy to forget that Joe Rogan was once a comedian

The Manchurian Idiot

Something every Apple user understands is that Find My is for locating your AirPods a foot away from you in bed.

Why is he even sending his flying monkeys into Portland? He told us during his first admin that BLM burned it completely to the ground and there's nothing left.

Why did Sinclair and Nexstar stop censoring Jimmy Kimmel on the TV stations they own? Because they became too woke.

I found this disturbing new angle of the UN/escalator incident. I can't believe it, but I think DJT has a point. It's a wonder Melania is even alive! (TW: foul play) i.pinimg.com/originals/b5...

I give it a week before he panics and screams "Who turned off my escalator?" on regular stairs.

My brother used to work at Cracker Barrel. Apparently, this shit happened all the time.

"Pretending to like you is EXTRA!"

When these ICE agents are inevitably punished, I don’t want them shown any mercy. Not a single one. I don’t care if they have 10 kids and 50 grandchildren and donate 10% of their paycheck to the Red Cross and have ptsd — do not give a fuck.

Catch me on the right day and I’d volunteer for this

Remember the time he got trapped on an escalator? Had he been alone, he’d probably still be yelling for help.

"Don't forget that Donald Trump did everything Jeffrey Epstein did, only backwards and in lifts."

So what do we have all these fuckin’ laws for anyway? (Rhetorical)

Popcorn Lung sounds like something the French would eat.

Call me on my acetaminophone!

Hearing a walking opioid crisis speak about what we should be putting into our bodies is fucking vile and insulting.

People say that the only good n*zi is a dead n*zi. I think we've found out that dead n*zis are terrible, too.

Jarjara Walters

This might just be the Tylenol talking but I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place if more people were autistic

I love it when people who don't understand how anything works say "to the best of my knowledge" because it means I'm right to have already stopped listening.

Gonna pop a Tylenol and look at some trains to see what all the fuss is about.

I have taken the Tylenol that was in the medicine cabinet and which they think probably is the reason you like trains forgive me but that’s bullshit you got autism from your dad

Hey a thing I really don’t want to get lost here is that while Tylenol doesn’t cause autism, IT’S FINE TO BE AUTISTIC. Let’s not grant them the premise that autism should be eradicated in our way to correct the science, okay? Okay.

All these evangelicals are like “Aww man, I hope I get sucked up tomorrow!”

So there’s a correct order in which you eat a Taco Bell Mexican Pizza combo, right? Or is that just a me thing?

taking fistfuls of tylenol to become even more powerful

Another fantastic post that makes me hungry.

I was just watching a few Tig Notaro videos. Tig's an utter genius. Some of my favorite bits are when Tig just kinda wastes time on stage. Few can do that and still be funny. *Also, I have no idea what Tig's pronouns are, so I used "Tig" as Tig's pronoun because Tig deserves respect.

Wait, YOU’re C#@&/1€ K;&%? I don’t believe you. Lemme see your teeth.

I think bronzer causes fascism in men.

Writing a musical about you-know-who. Not sure if it’s the title of the show or just a big climactic number, but “Wrong Kind of Smitten” will be in the book.

Ira Glass voice: I bet his opinions on a lot of things changed towards the end. Maybe even some measure of common sense gun control started to feel like a good idea. Like when you hear about people who survive the jump off the Golden Gate Bridge who change their mind before they hit the bay?

I was leaving the zoo yesterday when the most adorable little Churdy Kurp rally was happening in the parking lot. 5 dudes, 2 trucks, misspelled window wax messages. I wanted to ask where the rest of them were as I drove by, but I had a toddler in the car and kids are never safe around those types.

Just watching the GP. Re: Piastri. I think it goes to show that the best engineers on the planet can stay up all night rebuilding a car into something completely undriveable and they would never know it until it's driven in anger.

Semi serious question: What would be the ethics of signing up for ICE and collecting a massive paycheck/bonus and being hilariously bad at it?

Now what, bitch

This is about more than one person, btw.

He'd've had Junior done except Junior was probably in the meeting when they planned it.

Let's all just pretend we've never heard of him until they shut up about him: "Who?" Then just walk away.