Beer and taco night and if you’re not Down were not compatible

Please, call me Oingo. Mr. Boingo is my father.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

The secret to life is spaghetti. And to have zero expectations. But mostly spaghetti.

if the taco truck starts playing music and canvassing the streets like an ice cream truck I’m cooked

I’m at the stage in life where most human interactions feel like work, unpaid work

Crazy that people still buy ringtones. If my phone vibrates too loudly, I give everyone in the room a dollar.

Missing my bat friends at the sanctuary.

surrender to my blade, peasant

Food critics are wild. How you gonna bully spaghetti?

I don’t want to be part of the class action lawsuit but it’s nice to be invited

I stick to what I know and that ain't shit. Stay humble.

oh you think its funny that 300 iq males are crashing their teslas & being cooked alive by some weird type of fire thats immune to firemen

if I drink 7 beers i will surely not be sad that there are classes in the morning. i see no downsides in this plan.

I know it’s difficult to watch our parents age and my mother has reached a point of no return. Today, I found her watching JAG

Horse watching the human steeplechase: Yeah man, you fucking do it. Not so easy is it? I hope you get hurt and they have to put you down

Doves: *sobbing* Prince: Oh this mfer spitting *guitar solo*

me: come on. my ai-powered washing machine: no. me: please? my ai-powered washing machine: no. me: why not? my ai-powered washing machine: it looks terrible on you.

Ever since I was a little boy I wanted people to stfu

making my dog listen to call of the wild on audiobook so he knows what a soft life he has

doctors tell you not to put q-tips in your ears because they’re hoarding all the good feelings for themselves

What y’all up to over here?

would you still love me if i dragged my ass across your carpet?

I’m actually better than most people I just don’t want anyone to know, that’s why I act like this

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes god super mad.

oh gods, make it stop

Can I be baby today and can I be yours

[Not comprehending a single thing]: I understand

Tongue and groove flooring? Sounds kinda freaky but ok.

either need to be babied and told everything is gonna be okay or have my ass kicked and told to shape up. can’t decide which.

*listens to news for 3 minutes* Alright, back to the bigfoot podcasts

I mean how long does it take to get one fist fight at Chuck E. Cheese expunged from your record?

Instead of a hearse just find 6-8 shield maidens to run with my corpse on their shoulders as they scream through the streets

The inevitable follow up question when talking to one's pet: Why are you all wet? Is that water?

The existence of Bing Crosby implies the existence of not only Google Stills, but also DuckDuckGo Nash

Entering my "dramatic swelling violin music montage in the movie signifying the character's descent into total madness" phase

I meant to mean well.

“And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare.”

how many times of me sending stuff like this and saying “us” do you think I can manage before he wants me dead?

we knew you were an alpha male before you said anything because of your fly new balances

That 20 seconds of Zen in the morning as you listen to the hum of the microwave in a quiet house until the bell snaps you back to reality so you can enjoy your breakfast sandwich with cold egg and rock-hard top bun.

my favorite thing about Fortnite is the hour worth of updates you have to do before each session

Imagine if some posts were for purely fun or entertainment value, and not factual, political, or for social commentary.