the tragedy of Goofy is he is hung like Secretariat but doesn't know what to do with it

Josh Hart gets a layup question to roast Jalen Brunson who is not happy😂

Jucika Prepares for the Ball (Sound design by hypnadot on NG)

I wonder if two ASMR YouTubers have ever gotten into a fistfight

Please stop sending highly-skilled assassins to murder me. It's mean and it hurts my feelings

A beanbag chair filled with 500 sets of those windup chattering teeth

Actually a rubber baby buggy bumper would be an incredible innovation for the world of child safety

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

(guy interviewing me for the job): Says here on your resume, “savant”… (me): (nodding) (guy): That’s all it says

Dammit, I wrecked myself again. I can't help thinking there must be some crucial step I'm missing along the way

these mfers love talking about God while radiating evil like an unshielded reactor core

Michael C. Rockefeller got shipwrecked in 1963, washed up on an island, and was promptly eaten by cannibals.

a murderer goes to murder me but with each stab i strategically move my body so that he hits several acupuncture points, making me feel amazing

Does anybody have cardboard boxes to spare? I'm helping my dad move and he luvs 2 breakdance.

I showed up at the barbecue wearing an apron that said "Fork, Marinate, Grill" and the other dads bowed down and made me their king

Octopus ink was once used as actual writing ink, which means there is a non-zero percent chance that an octopus pulled a Ratatouille on Shakespeare and composed the sonnets

Masturbation is benefits without friends

A scientist peers through a microscope, determined once and for all to discover the number of "likes" required for a "banger"

when i shuffle off this mortal coil you can expect my zombified remains to burst through the coffin lid, dig its way up through six feet of cold packed earth, and thriller-walk down the street to pick up my holds at the library

Invoking the muses before composing a shitpost about bein' green and pimpin' being equally difficult

I hope my wife buys me a $60,000 car without me knowing about it for Christmas

Colts QB search not ending with Philip Rivers, sources tell ESPN

[Guy whose dick fell off because there's a girl in star wars] I would probably do well in a civil war

My roller derby name is Andy War Hall

elon musk has died of trying to say a full sentence

I am submitting my offer to buy Warner Bros. for (checks wallet) $12.

raising my hand in church and asking god if i can go to the bathroom

COP: Are you high? MOTORIST: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? [one leaf falls from cop]

If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't have made "more" my safe word

A detective series set in Brooklyn called The Poifect Moider

Don't make plans with me, I always cancel. Make plots with me instead. Or schemes. I'll always show up for a scheme.

There should be a word for when two completely unrelated things resemble each other, like tennis rackets and snowshoes.

My flat earth society meeting is tearing itself apart, does the earth orbit the sun like a frisbee, or, as I believe, does it roll around on its edge like a dropped nickel

The fuck is a jingle horse

My wife left open the gate to the yard and I ran out into the street. I could have really hurt myself.

DJ is short for Dirty Joke, that's why they don't let kids in the clubs

Got tased at bingo again

Every cop show: damn, this serial killer is crafty, very smart and sneaky Every true crime podcast: despite dozens of complaints from neighbors, it took over a year for police to investigate the source of the foul odor

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

Good evening, party of 3? Right this way, allow me to seat you. *I pick each of you up like baby koalas and gently place you into your chairs*

Chain mail and chain letter should mean the same thing

Remember folks, during winter every ten degree temperature drop lowers your tire’s PSI by 1 so it’s very important to go to the gas station and notice that the air thing doesn’t work and then do that five more times at five different gas stations

Horton Hears a Wut

Yeah hi, I'll have a big mac meal aaaand please have the Grinch jack me off.

When I hear the play has audience participation

I've already brought so much ruckus. Yet I remain committed to bringing even more ruckus.

while I'm lying here maybe someone could feed me spaghetti one noodle at a time so I can use my hands to post, it's just an idea

All chess is 3-D chess, how else could my horses jump over the castle thingies

No Christmas carolers tonight. I can't believe I filled all those water balloons for nothing.