I can eat a wheelbarrow full of Spaghetti-Os

One Jesus, two Jesi

“you’re a dick” I say to your dick

Adjusted for inflation, the Three Stooges were responsible for an estimated $47 billion in property damage during their careers

“HOW IS BABBY FORMED” still makes me giggle every now and then.

"Ne'er do well" seems unnecessarily harsh. Surely at least once he's done well

one useful purpose i have thought of for old shopping malls is give one to me and i will go live there

Need to restart my computer but don't want to miss anything. Can we all do it at the same time?

Hello baaaaby, you know what I like/ I like it when you call me Big Bopper

I'm so full of whimsy I could just fucking shit

We've never properly thanked the Foo Fighters, without them this world would be completely overrun by foo.

I regularly see people wondering how it's possible that there are so many musicians and writers and film makers and artists from a tiny nation like Iceland. And the answer is really simple: State funding for art education and artists. I literally get a salary from the government to write books.

*workshopping a new Kiss My Grits-style insult" "Drink my drool, fool"

while you were studying the blade, I was also studying the blade. we have the same blade exam and I want to do well.

She's a nerd girl/crazy 'bout elvish

Oregon Trail was a great game even though the graphics were a little buggy

For Valentine's Day I'm leaving a trail of rose petals from my couch to the refrigerator

It’s very hard to keep getting cooler and sexier year after year, and that’s why I won’t do it

This karaoke bar doesn't have any Schoolhouse Rock songs

But things weren’t going well at all. In fact, the rescue chip Gary sent into the salsa after the first chip also failed to return intact.

I think Pedro Pascal is the logical heir to Kevin Bacon in the Six Degrees game

if I were a pediatrician I'd answer the office phone "NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED"

*movie villain bursts into a room, screaming, waving an axe and chasing everyone* my mom: is that the bad guy?

Phoenix Suns coach Jordan Ott

listen up, nines. a three is posting

*pulling the parachute ripcord while in the plane to make sure it's a cute colour before I jump*

pretty cool M.C. Escher could draw all that stuff and still find time to rap

omg everybody go draw a horse this is what the internet was made for gradient.horse

LOL okay

Missed Bad Bunny’s halftime show? Want to rewatch? (4x and counting for me). The NFL posted the whole performance on YouTube: on pace for 500k views in the first 30 minutes.

“I’m mad I can’t understand Bad Bunny’s lyrics because they’re not in English” my brother millions of metalheads around the world have been happily listening to incomprehensible Finnish shrieks and Japanese death grunts since we were teens, you’re just boring and racist

lol

What a moment.

[watching the Olympics, mouth full of chicken tenders] FASTER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all of my subscribers. This has been a dream as long as I can remember and I couldn’t have done it without you. It feels surreal to finally say it, but this is the final episode of Nutting In Every Country In The World. Welcome to Vatican City

*seductively takes off glasses* damn baby you’re so blurry

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

What do you mean I failed, I ate every ink blot you showed me

GM: Charisma check. Mamdani: [rolls natural 20] GM: that’s a d6 how did you Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

“She says she doesn’t want to fuckin’ talk to you.”

Vice President JD Vance gets roundly booed at the opening ceremony of the Milano-Cortina 2026 Olympics. "Those are a lot of boos for him, whistling jeering," says the presenter. US athletes receive a warm welcome from fans, though.

Nothing you post between midnight and 4am is canon

I work with a real jerk, can't stand him, don't even think he knows my name. Today he's suddenly the nicest guy here. Knows my name, knows everyone's name. He's playing the piano. Just saw him surprise a young couple with wrestlemania tickets.

Yes folks, with a simple click of the repost button, this very sentence can appear on your own timeline as if you'd placed it there yourself, no different than buying a priceless painting or a Ming vase and displaying it in your home

ready to join the Olympic bitching about the snow team

not being able to eat something called a zamboni just feels wrong

Stumbling into the tattoo parlor weeks later, barely conscious, finally ready to admit the bullseye on my face was a mistake

My poker tells are going wide-eyed and mouthing "WOW" when I get good cards and blowing a raspberry when I get bad ones

Let's wake up a hibernating animal to get a weather forecast

*documentary narrator voice* Ah, the 1990s. Truly a decade of xtremez