this is the last photo on my parents' video birdfeeder before it was mysteriously destroyed we may never know what happened

Moses schlepped his way to the top

Steyer flubbed this one. As soon as she said “I run WIRED” he should have responded “so you’re management?” and immediately ended the interview to show solidarity with the working class

Wait, what planets in Star Wars even have falcons

As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website

A carnival dunk tank filled to the brim with whoopee cushions

Imagine someone watching the cursed video from The Ring on their phone and exactly one week later a tiny little 3-inch ghost girl comes crawling out of it

Remember, when you eat a legume, you're making a leg out of u and me

I’m a difficult but brilliant detective with a complicated life and a murder to solve, they give me a rookie to help, I am impossibly rude to him.

*movie villain bursts into a room, screaming, waving an axe and chasing everyone* my mom: is that the bad guy?

calling myself Big Dog in the third person. “Big Dog’s got a hankerin” and the cashier visibly recoils, accidentally scanning my lunchable twice

T. S. Eliot's full name is Tater Skins Eliot

They call my name on The Price is Right. I jump out of my seat and run screaming down the aisle, past the other contestants, up on stage, hug Drew Carey, then back up the other aisle, out the exit door, never to be seen again

Party at my place. The DJ there will be playing pharmaceutical ad jingles and TV show themes all night long!

They let me pick my own Social Security number, it's 420-69-8008

i drank the kool-aid and it tasted like la croix

I tie up my horse, straighten my cowboy hat, and roughly push open the saloon doors. They swing back and knock me on my butt back into the middle of the street. Nobody inside even notices I tried to come in.

*picking up a piano and strumming the strings like a guitar*

You say cobwebs, I say free flypaper

If you like Peter Capaldi, and getting caught in the rain

[first day as an uber driver] i’m here you fuckass bitch

Elon Musk accidentally revealing his mom's account is one of his alt's means that he has both impersonated his own infant child and mother online

I wanna get a job as a YouTube reactor who pretends they've never heard a Rolling Stones song or seen Jurassic Park, that seems fun

when you laugh your butt off and it’s so big it smashes thru the floor and lands on your downstairs neighbor’s face

I'm really hoping the confirmation of extraterrestrial life will be a War of the Worlds-type situation, with folks listening to big band music while sitting around their enormous radios

Witch: I see you chose the potion that makes you ugly, I thought for sure you’d choose the one that steals your voice. Me, eyes filling with tears:

Shout out to the inventor of chess, who gave into their sense of whimsy and decided the horsies could jump

your post broke rules: * Targeted Harassment * Intolerance (?) * Having fun with your friends * Caught us on a bad day the following post was removed: 𝘪 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘰 𝘥𝘰𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘭 you now have 72 strikes. you are banned for 120 years. your ban will be lifted on May 5th 2146.

JOHN FOGERTY: I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain JAMES TAYLOR: okay, you’re not gonna fucking believe this

There was a third Mario Brother but one day he went down a pipe and never came back out

what if they didn't take the little helmet off the miami dolphin

I don't only think that college should be FREE but I think young people should also receive living stipends while in school. Finally, I do not care what they major in because education needs to actually BE DECOUPLED from a future job. You are welcome. You should have 4 years to study anything.

Admiring that handsome fellow in the bathroom mirror before accidentally coughing and spitting toothpaste all over the glass

Apparently I've reached the age where people ask if I need help when I go to the store and buy anything that looks heavy

[board meeting] (slapping both palms on the table) I HAVE TO POOP I'LL BE RIGHT BACK CEO: was that the donut delivery guy

The fact that Kermit isn't a tadpole in the Muppet Babies is why I have trust issues

During the 1997 season, the NBA had a player named God Shamgod, the NHL had a player named Miroslav Satan, the NFL had a player named Mushin Muhammad, and MLB had a player named Jesus Martinez.

Pick up the nearest book and turn to a random page. The first adjective and last noun on that page is the name of the medieval tavern you own. Please, good traveler, come inside, The Blasted Butterfly sells the finest ale in the realm.

Yes, actually, I was born in a barn, I was raised by wolves, and I do live under a rock

When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. When you saw a hundred sets of footprints, that was where a bunch of guys were playing volleyball

do you have any idea how shocked I was in my 30s when I found out reindeer are real

that's future new york jets qb cade klubnik to you

Me: And you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? H: I do Me: to confirm, please say the six digit code that was texted to your phone

Yeah, I'm a freelancer. You ever get your lance stuck, I'm your man

The reason crime was so rampant in the Old West is because nobody knew how to lock the saloon doors

left my house without my phone so i took off my shoe & tried to call my boss but that didn’t work so i got a can & strung a string thru it to call my friend but that didn’t work so i held my thumb to my ear & my pinky to my mouth to call that hot guy at the bar but that didn’t work so i

My best 5 days ever: 1. birth of my 1st child 2. birth of my 2nd child 3. first time I saw boobies 4. birth of my 3rd child (I love her just as much, but kinda got the t-shirt already y’know) 5. t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶d̶̶̶a̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶v̶̶̶e̶̶̶n̶̶̶t̶̶̶e̶̶̶d̶̶̶ ̶P̶̶̶̶̶o̶̶̶̶̶p̶̶̶̶̶-̶̶̶̶̶T̶̶̶̶̶a̶̶̶̶̶r̶̶̶̶̶t̶̶̶̶̶s̶̶̶̶̶®̶ my wedding day

*getting my ass kicked because I'm too busy chewing bubble gum*