Imagine there's no dragons/I wonder if you can

As it's Peanuts' 75th birthday, here's the final strip from 2000. It contains Charles Schultz's farewell message, dictated to Snoopy and published the day after he died.

I want my last words to be so confusing and legally problematic that they must be bleeped out on the true-crime documentary about me.

You can lead a horse to whatever

*carries you in my arms* *knocks your head into a bunch of random junk*

Pilot: (on intercom) There are no air traffic controllers today so everybody look out the window and holler if you see another plane

i’ve never been shot so there’s a chance that i’m bulletproof

I grew up poor in the 80's - my whole family had to share one headband

Filing a noise complaint. Keep it up and I'll file a funk complaint as well

All the ghosts come to Bluesky on Halloween and make sheet posts

i'm sorry. give me a moment. i thought i was prepared for this information. i thought i wanted you to tell me what the wheels on the bus do. god damn it. if i could just take it all back

Face down, ass down, oh wait, you're hurt. Don't move, I'll call an ambulance

Cheese curls are actually round, you can only see part of the arc because of the way the sunlight reflects off of our atmosphere

Happy Columbia 12 CDs for a Penny Day!

*logging in* ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH

*explaining baseball to someone who's never seen it* THEM: He swung and missed. That's a strike, right? ME: yes THEM: That time he didn't swing. What's that? ME: That's also a strike THEM: Okay, he hit the ball but it went backwards. What's that? ME: Also a strike THEM: Oh. So strike three? ME: No

Probably the most underrated aspect of Christmas greed and consumerism is when we decided to hang our socks by the chimney and demand Santa fill those with gifts too

If you watch The Shawshank Redemption in reverse it's the story of a guy who gets a life sentence for breaking into a sewer

Robocop is a movie about a guy who gets killed on the job and they still made him go back to work

My backstory is "my back hurts"

I hate it when I go fishing and snag what I think is the biggest trout in the lake and it turns out to be a tire or an old boot

what in the hell just happened in Milwaukee

"Mum mum mum. ba ba. da da da ga." -famous first words

This is kinda great, and everyone should share it.

somebody call adult rock and tell him to come get his dumbass kid.

Listening to the one good Doors song

right now it’s just a hole, it’s up to you to make it glorious

PUNK = whatever makes you happy that irritates people who are used to having total control

Weird how they say that vaccines are bad and the president is good but the president got two vaccines yesterday, I wonder how long it will take before he is forced to wear high heels or starts collecting model trains or whatever they think vaccines do besides save lives

(forgetting the word for antibiotics) do i need cancel culture

next person who asks him about Winds of Winter gets a bit of the old ultraviolence

Well, sure, anything sounds bad when you accurately describe it and provide examples of the consequences.

Eating every last crumb of the communion wafer, we don't waste good Jesus meat in this house

Scheming beast. What foul plan hatches from the swamp of your mind

Hairy Ass Truman

9 out 10 dentists does Countdown

Congratulations to Nicole Kidman for winning the Kids' Choice Award

Everyone knows that the classic scientific method is saying something that is wildly stupid and then trying to find proof for it.

if eaten this poison apple will cause you to sleep forever [me already finished] please could i have another

🐸

ME: Why do "getting beat up" and "getting beat down" mean the same thing? LOL. NURSE: Just hold still

An easy decision is sometimes called a "slam dunk", a famously simple act that can be performed by roughly .000000001% of the world's population

My porn name is Meatier Shower

Charles Xavier: My school helps mutants control their powers. This is Cyclops, he was my first student and he is totally incapable of controlling his powers. This is Jean Grey, she started with Scott. She also cannot control her powers. And meet Rogue, yep you guessed it, can't control her powers

They call them saves because every puck the goalie stops goes to heaven

"no rapping tonight" why? "you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing" ok [after one beer] uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

(final thought as i'm swiftly slain by a band of ninja assassins) kind of a crazy amount of ninjas to hire for this