dentists don't want you to know this but if you fill your entire mouth up with toothpaste, you only have to brush once a month.

I've shortened the phrase “Our grandmother is looking down at us from heaven” to just “Nana the above.”

I'm so happy I have a four-hour block without meetings. Life is a prison.

hearing a crunch as I sit "I found my glasses"

If I’m going to be visited by spirits, make them doubles please.

I see all your relationship advice and I'm telling you. This one's different.

saying "stop it" when someone sneezes instead of bless you

*Googles directions how to get out of my own head

I stole her ear

"I wonder if he still thinks about me" he has four different ways to contact you

I regret nothing...wait everything.

wonder what fun the next worst week of my life has in store

Someone ate the last brownie at work so I’m leaving

i do not think therefore i do not am

Do more things that will still matter in a year.

Attending a billionaire’s party, Kurt Vonnegut pointed out to his buddy Joseph Heller that their host made more in a day than Heller’s hit book Catch-22 would ever earn. “True,” said Heller, “but I have one thing he never will: A massive golden hippo statue that comes to life and kills my enemies.”

Can't think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

was caught by another human on the trail singing are you gonna be my squirrel at the top of my lungs

"no one's keeping score" i am

My favorite way to acknowledge someone's haircut is to ask if they got their ears lowered. Such whimsy.

I love my therapist. Week after week, she completely tears me down, absolutely eviscerates me, then tosses me the tiniest bit of validation and abruptly ends the session. 10/10, no notes.

hey check this out man (i go in the backyard and point at the same spot in the sky for six hours until the moon has risen perfectly behind my finger)

the backstreet boys have not been back for quite some time. a betrayal beyond belief

I just want to be cool enough to one day be reskeeted by the guy that always replies but never interacts in any other way with my posts

Also btw the definition of "ravel" is "unravel" so... night ruined

I've gotten a lot done today, but don't ask what, because I don't remember

Nerdiest relationship I was ever in, I would say "RAR" like a cute little roar and he would reply with "ZIP ZIP ZIP"

Can't I just reply to emails by screaming at them?

the restaurant accidentally sent an entire extra sammie it's truly incredible what this did for my mental health

I said fuck it and did an edible

financial stability and secure housing in a walkable city would fix me

I think I peaked at age 7

I would be a terrible parent. Kid would say there's a monster in the closet and I'd go grab a knife

They should invent an existence that isn't so embarrassing

got a friend who calls her period shark week

I'm sober now but grateful for all the psychedelics I did in college because everything that's happening may still just be a really bad flashback

Safety message: Make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee.

I swear sometimes my therapist asks me questions just to be nosy

Girl dinner transcends generations. I taught my 73yo mother the term and she immediately told me about her friend who regularly eats nothing but baby potatoes for dinner.

Touching grass isn’t enough I need to be catapulted into the sun.

Sorry, guys. The cold weather's my fault. I put my winter coat away the other day, jinxed us all.

I’m sorry I like every single one of your posts like a weirdo stalker but in my defense you’re hilarious and adorable

I interacted with several people tonight and don't regret anything I said??? Has anyone ever experienced this before????

[reading my vows] are you mad at me?

All the forest animals went to see the new possum play. It closed after one night as there wasn’t much action.

Getting more than 6 likes on Bluesky is like winning the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Referring to my decision making process as The Great Mystery

If you have a dream about your boss, do NOT tell your boss. I know this now.