Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

I’m not exactly sure what my life purpose is, but I’m starting to think it’s laying in bed posting about the dickhead president while my husband gets me coffee

"I have things to say about that but I'm not going to waste my breath right now." – My therapist

If I xoxo you it’s a defensive formation

If I say "Interesting." it's because I was thinking about something other than what you were saying.

I recently switched my Teams video so I see myself the real way instead of mirrored, and nothing has ever so thoroughly destroyed my self-confidence.

Date the person in front of you. Not the person you think you can turn them into.

Two deleted posts by 8am, one more and my phone locks for 12 hours

when the ghosts of your ancestors step outside the room to give you some “privacy” for the twenty four thousandth three hundred and fifty seventh time

Communication is key. Go ahead and ask that man how big an ass he intends to be today.

The upside of having lost most of my muscle mass is that there is less chance of me pulling a muscle.

I told my therapist about the guy I fell for and she told me to check my bank accounts.

I’m not optimistic about my love life but I still trim my nails

Born for mutual devotion. Doomed to yearn.

The year is 2025. We use AI to summarize articles written by AI. Seems we should just ask AI to write shorter articles. But then they couldn't fit all the keywords.

PuddyTats™️ are pudding cups that come with wet n press tattoos

[Me in Excel] Let's color-code this bitch

I'm not as fearless as I used to be. So now I'm brave instead.

Frankincense is the doctor, Myrrh is the stupid sound the monster makes, Kevin.

floating the term "donkass" out as a trial balloon

I'm typing with one hand but it's not what you think. I'm eating a sandwich.

my thirst for thrifting is fueled solely by my desire to bring home a haunted artifact

[me, a writer, accidentally typing "your" instead of "you're"] I should kms

I've shortened the phrase “Our grandmother is looking down at us from heaven” to just “Nana the above.”

I'm so happy I have a four-hour block without meetings. Life is a prison.

hearing a crunch as I sit "I found my glasses"

If I’m going to be visited by spirits, make them doubles please.

I see all your relationship advice and I'm telling you. This one's different.

saying "stop it" when someone sneezes instead of bless you

*Googles directions how to get out of my own head

I stole her ear

"I wonder if he still thinks about me" he has four different ways to contact you

I regret nothing...wait everything.

wonder what fun the next worst week of my life has in store

Someone ate the last brownie at work so I’m leaving

i do not think therefore i do not am

Do more things that will still matter in a year.

Attending a billionaire’s party, Kurt Vonnegut pointed out to his buddy Joseph Heller that their host made more in a day than Heller’s hit book Catch-22 would ever earn. “True,” said Heller, “but I have one thing he never will: A massive golden hippo statue that comes to life and kills my enemies.”

Can't think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

was caught by another human on the trail singing are you gonna be my squirrel at the top of my lungs

"no one's keeping score" i am

My favorite way to acknowledge someone's haircut is to ask if they got their ears lowered. Such whimsy.

I love my therapist. Week after week, she completely tears me down, absolutely eviscerates me, then tosses me the tiniest bit of validation and abruptly ends the session. 10/10, no notes.

Sorry I’m late, but I’ve lost faith in humanity and no longer conform to the strictures of time